I’m so sick of not being able to go through with it! I can’t stand this pain anymore. I’m going insane and if and when I manage to get pain meds I’m not responsible. I just don’t want to feel anything. But that doesn’t last long and most of the month I’m left with nothing and screaming my head off! No one will help me. Government won’t help me, doctors won’t help me, E.R. won’t help me. I have legitimate reasons to have pain meds. I was born this way, I didn’t do it to myself. I just want to die!
I have nothing and no one! Nothing to achieve or work towards. I can’t think can’t focus. I spend my days pace around the house, staring at the walls and ceiling… I’ve got so many auto-immune conditions everything that is good for a normal person is bad and poison to me! No one will help me! No one will stay with me! I’m nothing but shit! A pathetic, whiny, hypocritical, insane, emotional, enraged, broken and damaged 5 year old trapped in a defective adult body! Why won’t this misery just end?! I tried calling out to the devil, to make a deal. I don’t even care if he goes back on it and kills me. I want either death or this pain to go away! I can’t deal with this! I just scream and rage, all night, moan and yell all day, for days, weeks, months, for almost 2 years! No one will help me! What the fuck is wrong with this world? With this stupid country? With these fucking doctors! I’m in pain, damn it! How can they keep turning me away! How can the government limit their production and prescriptions of narcotics! I’m not an addict, I’m in excruciating pain that won’t go away! I’ve been told by dozens of doctors I will never improve or be cured, only narcotics will give me relief and a decent quality of life, but then they refuse to give them to me! What the hell? How can they diagnose someone, tell them what the solution is and then not give it to them? Why are they paid the big fucking bucks to be useless and do nothing! I never wanted this! I never wanted to be on these drugs! But what choice do I have? I can’t stand this pain! I don’t want to feel anything, anymore! Nothing! Just stop all feelings. I’m so damn tired! Jeez! I just want to die! Why can’t I just die! I can’t do it. I hate myself for this! Just pull the noose around your neck and drop, how hard is that?!?!?!
5 comments
You probably know that it is the natural human condition for life… I’m sorry to hear of what you’re going through and I wish there was an easy answer to suppress your survival instinct… the only way is to persevere through it.
I have no right to give good advice on your situation since I’m festering in my own suicidal depression. But I’m very sorry about the pain you’re going through. I understand a tad bit about the frustration of not being “enough” of something to be fully benefited, it’s sucks and there’s a flawed system behind such “qualifications.” For now, I’ll leave you with this poem and the hope that it’ll sooth your mind:
“Do not go gentle into that good night,
Old age should burn and rave at close of day;
Rage, rage against the dying of the light.
Though wise men at their end know dark is right,
Because their words had forked no lightning they
Do not go gentle into that good night.
Good men, the last wave by, crying how bright
Their frail deeds might have danced in a green bay,
Rage, rage against the dying of the light.
Wild men who caught and sang the sun in flight,
And learn, too late, they grieved it on its way,
Do not go gentle into that good night.
Grave men, near death, who see with blinding sight
Blind eyes could blaze like meteors and be gay,
Rage, rage against the dying of the light.
And you, my father, there on the sad height,
Curse, bless, me now with your fierce tears, I pray.
Do not go gentle into that good night.
Rage, rage against the dying of the light.”
Wait! I know this poem! It was in a book. A young adult trilogy series, called the Match. Have you read it?
“I have nothing and no one! Nothing to achieve or work towards.”
I’m sure there is something, even if it is deep within you, that is still causing you to hold on to life and keeping you here. I wish I knew more about your condition, I might be able to offer other advice. You mentioned the auto-immune system issues; it sounds to me like your pain is mostly physical?
“No one will help me! No one will stay with me!” I took my precious time to read your entire post — something that I can only use up once, so you were important enough for me to do that.
If you are a five year-old trapped in an adult’s body and know it and are aware of it, take steps to improve upon that — and you’ve already started that by reaching out, here. And to use your time most effectively, you have to plan it. Don’t know where to start? Just start somewhere. Learn any kind of skill (the guitar, for example) and use that as a template and base for the rest of life. You need a reference point, any; you just have to start somewhere, otherwise, all points are meaningless.
Go to the public library, start with one book (a general book or introduction book), then build off of and round out that one marketable skill set from there. But like I said, you just need ONE complete one first (skill package), in order to understand how they all work and to work off of.
Stay consistent and put together a plan and be self-disciplined enough, each day and week to stick to that plan until your goal is accomplished. Half a chapter or one chapter a day, one hour of practicing that chapter that day, then repeat for five days, rest on the weekends, etc.
Don’t feel overwhelmed, Rome didn’t get built in one day — it’s about consistency and gradually growing and sticking with that until a complete project is finished. Create your plan/schedule first and execute it and stick to it.
I live with my pain as well (TRUST ME), and at times, it does get overwhelming. But I’ve figured some things that I’ve been sharing with you, here. I hope you don’t take my kindness for weakness and my goodness for granted, but I did want to help you here. Best wishes.
Thanks for your kind words and taking the time.
Want to swap e-mails?