I’m sorry you are going through a really hard time right now. I read what you say about your father and then, about how you are a bad guy. Can you see how your dad started that feeling and it is not your true self? We all do things that make us a “bad guy” of life. But in reality those bad things mean we were behaving badly and NOT that we are a bad guy. Please hear me when I say the fact you don’t like how you’ve acted is the start of a better Alek.
I hear your sorrow for being so sad and […]
I told my father how I felt, everything that I felt and he got mad at me, he called me names, he yelled, and then he left. A few moments later he came back to tell me that I was a waste of space, and I told him that I didn’t care what he said because I was going to kill myself that day anyway.
After I yelled that while everyone else in my family was listening, I ran. I ran because I knew my mother, my sister and my brother would try to stop me from doing that. I hid, but was found moments […]
as i stand in the shower with you absent
i wish that all the fucking memories would wash away and go down the drain
i wish that all the pain and emotions would drain out of me
so i couldn’t feel this bittersweet emotion
my body still craves you
like you’re my fucking drug
but my mind knows that you’re so shitty
and bad for me
and i shouldn’t keep up this addiction to your love and affection
but i fucking cant because you’re the only fucking person
the only fucking person that tells me sweet nothings at 2AM when im so fucking vulnerable
you […]
I’m going to die soon. I can feel it.
I don’t really know how I feel.
I haven’t talked to my friends in a month or so, at first it was because I was kind of lazy and didn’t feel like talking, but as days passed I realized how little my “friends” care. I mean, did I really mean nothing to them? All the communication I had was with one of them because she replied to something I tweeted. I know they check my twitter all the time, so they know I have been feeling like shit and they don’t fucking care! I just don’t know if I’m angry, or upset, I don’t know. I […]
I can not keep doing this anymore and I know that I have tried and tried to keep fighting, yet when I do fight it’s never enough. I hate being shit on by teachers and by my own mother. The one who “loves you the most” doesn’t and well.. If people continue to do this to me (the making me feel terrible and the shit on) I am and WILL give up. I am going to cut and try to soothe the pain. The fact is, I do not know how to cope anymore.. I am done thinking that I can keep doing this because […]
People assume that when you are depressed, you are just sad. But in reality, you just feel empty. Like nothing really matters, because at the time, nothing does. You are just stuck in a haze. Your heart is beating and alive but your soul isn’t and sometimes, you don’t know what to do about. Pain comes before depression, and there still is some left during it. THAT is depression.
As a teen…I never did drugs, slept around or smoke on corners. I never got bad grades, lied to my parents or did anything to make my parents feel ashamed of me …yet I was disowned by my alcoholic father.
Entering my 20’s I was still dating my 1st bf I had met after finishing school… I never cheated , I never dressed inappropriately or did anything to make him insecure or over- possesive…yet the relationship became abusive…mentally, emotionally… and near the end physically.
When I fell pregnant at 21, I freaked out. It hit me that I did not want to spend the rest of […]
I’m not what you’d call suicidal. I don’t wish I was dead every day or think that the world would be better off without me. Personally I just need SP because it’s the only place I have found where I can express all my fucked up feelings and emotions free of judgement. If I’m not active on here or I don’t read all your shit and comment on everyone else’s shit I’m sorry, it’s because I come here to let out my own personal demons not to drown myself in everybody else’s.
Yes, thank you if you read my stuff and comment on it, I […]
You laugh in my face when I tell you how messed up I am?.. When I try to explain why I hurt because you ask what’s wrong with me? No, what is wrong with you?!?! Why laugh at someone who is clearly destroyed inside? Oh, that’s right I forgot I’m nothing but a joke to all that surround me.. I’m sorry I disappoint you. Maybe, one day when you see me cold, blue, and lifeless, you’ll feel a little better about yourself and won’t be so god damn self centered for once… Fuck you too!!! Fuck it all!! Sorry I’m such a fuck up! Done… […]
I cut myself everyday its the only way i feel relieved. Its been six years now and still no one even notices
I can not see myself living a long life based on what has occurred for the past 21 years. I feel like an embarrassment because the only thing I did was screw up things myself by allowing others to treat me like shit and go along with certain bullshit to feel accepted. I’ve developed a state of partial isolation because my lack of social interaction has resulted from be being afraid to become close to anyone and whenever I try to people think I am weird or mean because I am so timid to continue a conversation. When you have experienced sexual, physical, and mental […]
I want to die!
– But I kept thinking what my family would feel, I am looking for hints as to how they would accept my death. I dont want to be selfish and just kill myself without thinking of what other people whom I think, would not care or people who I wouldnt even have the slightest idea that would care would feel if I committed suicide. I am waiting for the right time that I think that nobody would ever care for me, then its alright to die. the funny thing is it never happens, everytime I have the urge to commit suicide, someone or […]
I just need to vent and would like some advice. I’m just trying to get back on my feet, I had lost everything, was living in shelters and on the street for a while……then someone took me in. Turns out, they were big time pot heads, not that I’m totally against it, but I got sick of worrying about losing the apartment because they spent half of their money on weed. And I was tired of not having food or a bed. So my aunt offered that I stay with her…..my gut told me no, but I thought it’d be the smart thing to do, […]
I’m not sure of anything. I don’t feel anything anymore. I really just want to disappear. I don’t want to die I just don’t want to live either. My life is just nothing and has no worth. Yet, I still don’t want to die completely. I don’t want it all to just go black but I also just don’t want this life to continue this way.
It’s hard to put into words how I feel so bear with me.
I feel nothing. I never feel anything anymore. When anything happens I feel numb. Numb to the pain, sadness, joy, and fun. I don’t know if I can […]
I don’t wanna do this anymore I can’t handle it anymore everyone trying to change me into a person I don’t wanna be and it upsets me to be hating myself everyday. Everyone thinks yeah she’s happy she’s smiling but they never ask me if I’m alright or see if I’m upset, why are people judged on the outter look I hate it people thinking they know me and thinking it don’t upset when it does. I hate that people judge me through. I just feel like everyone is against me even though I know their not, I can’t do this anymore I just don’t […]
Sometime I wonder how much more pain can my heart handle? When will I ever be the chosen one to die? They say God has a plan for all of us, but God… is this your plan for me to suffer and suffer until the day I cannot bear it anymore?
I just want to die. I don’t want to feel anymore of this pain.
I am so fed up, I dont even know if it is me or if it is the people around me. I just feel like sleeping and just not waking up. I dont know if it is because I stopped going to church that the feeling of my heart drowning is hurting more. I hate my life. I just want to jump off a cliff and see who actually misses me.
During my darkest times in life, I had nothing to resort to but pain and misery, on the brink of ending it all looking down at the depths of it all and seeing peace and happiness once and for all. I thought I could never be saved and nearly killed myself 3 times but somehow I just wouldn’t die. I’ve been to an asylum, etc. talked to various shrinks but at the end of the day, none of it could help, only I could. That was 4 years ago during my junior year of high school when I was displaced from everything I knew of. […]
it has been exposed
our secret leaked
the world now knows
there is beauty
in suffering.
I can attest
I’ve seen it too
the artistry
intense
vibrant colors
at our expense.
The tortured soul
a vicious hue
magenta, lavender
and blue.
The colors bleed
impending doom
a tiny whisper….
…soon…
Bruised and battered
masterpieces all
Trying to blend
and to conceal
all the colors we really feel
For it is only us
the chosen few
whom live it
own it
we cherish
abhor it.
The allure in me
the allure in you
we are so lucky
don’t you think
to posses the wondrous beauty
the raw and poignant beauty
of such suffering.
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