I’m struggling hard, I feel trapped with my own thoughts. It’s not like I can express them to anyone because if I vent to my to my partner it’ll cause problems, if I vent to my family it’ll cause problems, if I vent to friends it’ll cause problems but the longer I hold it all in the more the feeling to self harm grows and I’m not sure what to do anymore, do I want to live or just die
Do you ever feel like you don’t belong, that even though people say they care and love you that it feels like it’s fake that just because they know your struggling they feel they have to say it. That they don’t really mean it. That it sounds like it’s forced. Because it does for me I don’t feel like I belong in my own home I feel like I just need to be here to feed and clothe everyone. I guess if I felt pretty I’d be a cinderlla in my own family. Just without the fancy godmother. Most days I don’t even consider my own feelings because what use does it do to wish on being able to be open about my feelings when no one wants to listen.
I haven’t spoke lately, in fact I havent been on here lately for a while. I thought I finally beat depression, I thought I wouldn’t get the self harm thoughts again. I thought “yes I’ve finally set myself free”. But it isn’t that simple as that is it. I must say I am proud of myself I haven’t self harmed for a while, so there is still hope out there. However the thought still crosses my mind. What would one more do, one more line, one more scar to add what harm would that do. But depression is a black hole acting as like its a vacuum sucking you in, the deeper you go the harder it is to fight.
Sometimes its hard to be stuck in your mind, whether its being in a crowd full of people or even in an empty room your always going to be stuck with your own thoughts. I sometimes wonder whether what this life has to hold for me.
Ive wrote on here before saying that my depression has gone but sometimes i can just sit down for five minutes and all those depressive thoughts coming smashing through, making me wonder what it would feel like to do one more cut, one more line, one last time of feeling free.
I think thats why i like the senstion of self harm, because i have control over the pain thats built inside. Maybe some one out there feels or thinks the same as me but i’ll never know.
Everyone has a weakness that will always be there but what people dont realise is that, that weakness can be turn into something that makes your stronger so why not just put down the knifes and blades and just think of having the upper hand, whether or not its bullies that make you hurt yourself or an abusive relationship or even because you dont feel beautiful, all those negative words people say to you arent true im sure that everyone is beautiful whether or not its on the inside and out, everyone has got strength in them to carry on surviving, so just put down the blade, ignore the stupid comments people say to you and stand up strong and turn that weakness into your biggest strength.
Depression will always come back and bite you when you least expect it but you need to be stronger than that urge to hide away and fear the world because the world is not always that bad, indeed you will get people who will judge you even laugh at you whether it’s for the fact you dress different or even talk different, hell you could even act different but that’s your choice. You have to believe this is not the end no matter how much people will put you down because everyone is different not one person is the same as another. This is what makes the world so different and nothing in the world is a bore because this is how we make it. So whenever that depression comes back or even if you see that black hole creeping up on you and you see it getting bigger and bigger, getting ready to swallow you up in your own pain and anguish you have to be prepared to fight it and show that black hole or depression that your stronger than falling for it’s trap because you are just because you have a weak moment and feel like utter shit doesn’t mean you have to give up because you are stronger than that and even if you don’t believe that other people do. They might not show it but it’s true, and i’m not one of those people that will bullshit you because I’ve been through depression so many times because as soon as it goes you think it’s done and dusted that it’s finally gone but it will still come back however you just have to be strong and i know saying it is a lot easier then doing it but you can do it
We all have a safe place whether or not it’s a treehouse, a closet or even a space in your bedroom there’s always somewhere to go, but not with feelings. Depression is on of those things you’ll never get rid of, you’ll think your fine for either a couple if days, weeks or even months could be years but some day it’ll come back and bite you, and there’s no hiding no matter what you plan to do. Always faking that happy smile so no one asks you questions, so you don’t feel like your bothering people with all this self hate and sadness. People say it’s easier talking things out then keeping stuff locked up inside however how can you talk to people when all your trust has been thrown out the window like the feeling of no one caring is always there, that your just bothering someone. There’s never going to be a place to hide from depression.
It’s been a while since I’ve been on here, but I guess people have habits that die old. I’m tired of staring at a blank wall and pretending everything Is alright. It’s getting too hard to carry on walking around the world with a smile on my face when all I feel is the sadness and memories on the inside but I feel as if, if I show a smile on my face then people around me wont have to worry about me, I know that people don’t want to be bothered by my feelings. I just want an escape I want to end all this pain now, I’m too tired to keep fighting…
I don’t think i can do this any more, i feel as if I’m just annoying everyone and that no one needs me any more which is true my father don’t even want to spend time with me any more. His started speaking in French so I don’t understand him when his talking to other family members but i understand what he says. Maybe leaving this wretched world will give everyone peace especially me. I can’t take the pain from being the mistake in the family, i mean i know i am the mistake it’s everyday i get told i am. I didn’t ask to be born and im sure if im dead then this will help my family be more happy. I know suicide will help me find peace and that i’ll be more happy being dead than i am alive, nothing could be more worse then living with the fact im a bastard and that i was never wanted, not even my own mother loves me or even wants to look at me i feel as if im the family servant. My whole family is to disgraced to call me apart of the family that if we have company over that i have to keep my head down and only answer ‘yes mam’ or ‘yes sir’, i even have to hide upstairs in my room so that the visitors don’t see me.
Depression isn’t a mental illness many people understand, this is the problem with society because depression is just a big joke to some. The mental pain of knowing your unloved and that your not beautiful, you could go a whole day with getting told your beautiful but when it comes to the night and your all alone sitting down in bed all you can think of is the hurt and the abuse you get within your head, the voices telling you what they want you to hear. No one should feel this way, it’s horrible being in thus bug black hole with no ending or way out because your stuck with this horrible depression and it don’t seem like it will go away but there is a way out you just have to find it in yourself to get out.
The problem is when you think you overcome the depression it just comes back 2x harder. I keep thinking about different ways of how I could escape this life and end up dead. I’m stuck in this black hole again and I’ve sunk even deeper then before I don’t even see anyway of getting out and I’m even scaring myself with how I’m isolating myself , I’m normally the girl that will do anything for a dare and I do crazy stuff because I know how short life is.
People used to always tell me I looked like my sister… she was my best friend through out all the shit we went through, never leaving my side and always by me. She was my rock but then things just got way out of control and then we separated and it’s still so new to me because I’m not used to not seeing her or her not coming to me for advice … no one told us how hard it is to loose someone so close to you. I wish she could see me living my dream and be there cheering me on but I guess fate had different plans. I wish I had the chance to tell her how much I love her and miss her and just to tell her I’m sorry.
When you come to think of those hard times you’ve been through you would think that you wouldn’t want it to happen again. Even though i have a boyfriend I know that i can’t lean on him when i’m upset or depressed because whats the point in bringing him down as well as myself… there is no point just because i have a fucked up life doesn’t mean i should fuck up anyone else’s and even though it pains me to write on here expressing my feelings i know that others have been feeling the same way as i have been and still am. Don’t get me wrong i love my boyfriend to bits however i just feel like he could do way better then me… i’m a model yet i feel like i don’t belong because everyone is so beautiful there and yet they are the most nicest people i could ever meet. My boyfriend could do way better then me it still surprises me that his with me to this day even when i’m depressed. Please anyone out there just tell me whether i should end my life now or should i fake my happiness… I know in my previous status i said that everyone has a happiness but even i myself haven’t found it however i have my best friend and my boyfriend to thank for they are the reason i am still breathing to this day.
Me, myself was a very unfortuante person because I wasn’t the most popular girl in school, however when leaving school I was the most popular girl there and everyone wanted to be like me or be dating me. Yet when I was wishing to be like the popular kids I didnt realise how much they hated it, when I started being popular I loved it but I found out that I was missing the real me, I was like what people call a *****. Yet those wasn’t my intentions, however I don’t live in regret because I don’t regret anything in my life and this is my message to those people thinking they are ‘freaks’, ‘ugly’, ‘unpopular’ and so on but your not your unique, special if I say so myself, yes people get depressed and not everyone self-harms but those scars and memories make us who we are today … just remember you are much more special and stronger then anyone thinks. Don’t think that their opinion matters because they don’t it’s what you think of yourself… and even though I don’t know anyone on here I know that everyone is special and beautiful or for the boys/men your sexy but we was made to look like this and that is our natural beauty the most precious beauty of all and yet so many people have forgot it. I hope for the people reading this will know that I mean what I say your all unique. I hope that your all happy and if not then I hope you all can find the happiness in you.
You ever felt that low that you don’t even know how to cope anymore well I’ve reached that low now. It hurts that I’ve reached this low, I’ve made so many promises not to self harm again but I don’t know if I can keep them anymore. Hell I don’t even know what to do anymore please anyone if you’ve got any advice on what I can do to help myself please.
Why is it that you ruined my life every chance it goes good, why do you feel the need, you may have rasied me but that wasnt your job to do your job was to be a sister yet you never was you made my life hell. I was the one cleaning your puke up i was the one doing food shopping you thought i would never cope in this life but ive done well im managing my life right now arent i. Just do me a favour and leave my life to me you caused chaos when we was younger we never would of gone into care if you would of just stayed in and looked after mom instead of going out and getting drunk and shagging random blokes no wonder i turned to drugs at a early age
take a blade to my wrist,
let it slide down my skin,
let it cut and show the red powerful blood
let that blade end my life, allow me to go in that cold dreadful bath
let me endure the pain i was meant for, let me endure the death thats meant to be
don’t allow me to be in pain, if you care so much allow this to happen
at least for me. let me lie down in the cold bath and let the blood trickle down my arms and wrists allow the blood loss to kill me
Can I do this? Can I keep on pretending that everything is alright when it’s not? Life is to hard to even carry on and yes I am a teenager but not with a young mind I know life is hard I know there will be struggles but when you have no-one beside you to help you through those struggles it gets tough and horrible like you can’t do anything good like your always in the wrong. Which possibly could be true that I can’t do anything right however if their not related to me why should they have the power of judging me by my cover and not allowing me the chance to explain myself. Everyday i go home and i have to deal with the shit that goes with going home which isn’t nice it means i have to put up with them calling me a druggie which being a person who self-harms isn’t the best feeling knowing that people think that you are like that even when you know yourself that it isn’t true however other people’s opinion means a lot to you when you live yin there house. Yet they know I wouldn’t do that kind of thing as i know they have young children but it still hurts and it’s not like I am able to move back into living with my mother because she mentally can’t look after me and I wouldn’t be able to allow myself to put that much stress on her by looking after me which is unfair. So please anybody with helpful comments please comment on here for me please it would help me out a lot
is there any point in any of us being on this earth all it leads is people going into dispair and depression or hurt. Why do we have to go through this? There is no point in any of this no point in being here, i’ve finally reached my end sad to think really but i could end it without a batter of an eyelash, i don’t care about life anymore if you care to much you’ll just end up hurt. So please leave your comments and tell me whether you think life is worth living anymore
what’s the point anymore? it’s not like anything will get better, might as well just leave the world. Being in care is starting to hurt me physically and mentally, maybe i should either take the leap to end my life or maybe i should just end up going to different care homes every year or month, i cant even handle my emotions in this home, i dont fit in i’m not appart of their family and never will be, should i just end it? Please someone help me i’m asking for your help please i’m begging