today was a warm and beautiful day, and i wasted all of it inside. i want to die. they say these feelings are temporary. but they don’t know my feelings… i mean, sure, it goes away for a little while, but it always comes right back. like now. been crying off and on whenever i think of certain things, and so i try to distract myself to keep from thinking too much, but there’s nothing to distract me. it’s always at the front of my mind. i can see why some people would turn to drugs… i need to feel something, anything, other than this […]
Tag:
fighting
Last night as I started to go to sleep I felt fear. It was odd because I had spent an hour on the phone with a good friend. I think the contrast of my talk with her and my empty apt and life was too much for me. I finally journaled about it and that helped some. But it was late and I was still awake- again for the umpteen time.
Finally I realized something. I was fighting control. Control of my emotions, control of sleeplessness. Fighting the feeling I am not whole, never will be. And maybe half dozen other active fears. :-< As I […]
I feel so frightened about the way I am now. I’ve started to put somethings into place for an exit. Bought some rope. Started practicing how to do a proper noose. Thinking about logistics. At the same time I am fighting to keep a job that because of the way I am feeling I have started to hate. I am a big woman, but I cry all the time like a baby and I don’t know why. I hate my lack of control. I hate people telling me how lucky I am to have a good job. They tell me that and I feel desperate […]
I yearned for death as a child and adolescent. I hurt myself relentlessly, but could never muster up the courage to actually end it. I’ve escaped the life that was forced on me, the people who hurt me, the person that I was because of it all, but I still find myself anxious for death. I will be driving and have to fight the impulse to let go of the wheel or to jerk it in the direction of oncoming traffic. I will allow myself to close my eyes when I am tired and attempt to fall asleep while I’m still driving. I will imagine […]
I guess my story can’t exactly be seen as a “suicide story”…
For a few years now I’ve been looking forward without any reason to do so. Call it survival, or monotony I don’t really know. The fact is, passion for something can only take you so far and that’s the one thing that keeps popping up in my mind.
Why do it? Why not stop? Honestly I don’t like being alive, feels more like some form of torture, I didn’t ask to be alive nor did I wanted to… Maybe I thought it was a competition so I cheated the leading sperm into second […]
I can not keep doing this anymore and I know that I have tried and tried to keep fighting, yet when I do fight it’s never enough. I hate being shit on by teachers and by my own mother. The one who “loves you the most” doesn’t and well.. If people continue to do this to me (the making me feel terrible and the shit on) I am and WILL give up. I am going to cut and try to soothe the pain. The fact is, I do not know how to cope anymore.. I am done thinking that I can keep doing this because […]
I want to die. At least I think it’s what I want. I don’t want to be here anymore. I want to be nonexistent. If what I have been living these past 30 some odd years can be classified as life then I want just the opposite. Death sounds so dark, so evil, yet the thought of it feels so peaceful. Ah Peace, I don’t even remember the last time I felt your embrace. I’m so tired of fighting to hold on; so tired of struggling each and every day to not give up. I have no fight left. It is long gone and I […]
let me first say hello to those who know me and know that I am well..
I know that I haven’t posted here in a while but I feel it is in need for me to post.. I am here because well I have not found that reason yet and well I do not plan on it. My story is complex and no one seems to understand that it will never get better for me. I know that it had been a long road for me and I have been fighting for so long to keep on going and well I think that my fight is […]
Do any of you fight? Fight anxiety? Fight the late night thrashes? Fight the any time thrashes? Fight dragging your nails across your skin? Fight the thoughts of suicide? Fight those voices that tell you you’re worthless? Or do you let it sink in…
Deep, deep down…
Down where even your soul believes you’re worthless. That you’re not fit for this world. That you’re just full of bull shit. That you’re so sick and twisted, that there is no point.
Some of you have been fighting. Fighting until you’re beautiful little mind can’t even breathe anymore. It’s clustered. It’s tired. It just want to quit even though it’s […]
Today is my 19th birthday… life isn’t appealing. I started feeling depressed after I moved when I was 10. Now, almost a decade later it hasn’t vanished. I’ve tried solving my problem but I can’t seem to discover the cure for lack of motivation. Everywhere I search the answer is to apply myself to a goal, pursue my dreams. How can I do that if I have no such things… What is worst is that everyone has the highest expectations for me. I’ve been branded genius by psychologists and could’ve pursued any career I wanted. This year I entered my country’s most prestigious engineering school, […]
So I’ve been fighting through terrible depression for a lot of years. I was in an abusive relationship for over a decade where my insecurities anxieties and depression were used to keep me blind and dumb. All my friends have moved or disappeared. I was not raised to communicate or express myself properly.
All of this has lead to me just spending my days wishing I could die. Apparently this would upset too many people.
My question is why can’t I? Why can’t I have what I want? I just want peace. I don’t feel like a real person anymore and I just want to […]
Could it just be to fucking perfect? Sometimes, I wish I was single, just so the level of pathetic I’m at won’t seem as bad. The New Year has come and I’m here, at home, doing nothing. Just sitting here, staring at the TV, fighting the fucking urge to go outside and freeze to death… Happy New Year and a kiss to my daughter. Thinking happily(or what’s left of the good side of my mood) that at least she is next to me.
This man, I say I love, is asleep, next to me. Hey, at least he sprung up 3 secs before the ball dropped […]
i fell back into that place again. that place of darkness, hopelessness, and futility. that place that all of you have worked so hard to get me out of. im not thinking of 2015. im not thinking of this afternoon. im thinking of right now. this second, fighting that damn urge. so here i am again, thinkin of all of you and the things you have taught me, trying to distract my mind, to shut it up so i wont give in and listen to it. why wont it go away? why wont it leave me alone?why does it torture me, shut me down and […]
Life is fucking hard. I think we can all relate to that. It’s sort of like being in a fight. We roll with the punches and when we’re knocked down, we get back up…but what about when we’re punched so hard that we’re dizzy and seeing stars? What about when we can barely stand up? What if we get knocked out? What happens if life wins the fight? What then? Someone tell me, please. I’ve been fighting relentlessly – and I don’t want to anymore. I’m dizzy and seeing stars; I can barely stand up on my own. Right now, life is winning the fight […]
Hi people,
While I’m not what can be considered a regular on this site, I visit from time to time and have been for several years now. I don’t always post/respond when I visit, but I do try to help when I can.
I’ve noticed something recently that I see as a good thing. The holidays are naturally one of the busiest times for this site and the difficulty of this time generally shows up in countless postings. It was common for one day of postings to take literally pages and pages.
This year, there are fewer posts than I’ve seen in a long, time and I take […]
Coming on this site has made me realize how many of us around the world have stories that teach us we are not alone in the hurt and suffering. Maybe in some solemn sort of way we are all one note away from playing the same song. Perhaps this site shall be our choir and our songs shall live on…
This is my first post on here I am a 24 year old man that has been struggling with depression since 16 the women that I love moved in with me a few days ago because her dad hit her and threttened to hit her kid we where getting pretty close and I was excited to have the possibility to help raise the kid I had come to thinking of as my own all I have ever wanted was a house a good job and someone to share my life with I was so close I hadn’t even thought about suiside in weeks all of […]
I’m very sick today. I spent all night last night vomiting, and now I’ve just been stuck in bed all day. So my fiance comes home and decides it’s a good time to fight because I told him something he did towards another female bothered me. He degraded me like crazy, telling me I’m retarded, I’m boring, and that he wants me to disappear and kill myself. All of this after fighting yesterday with my mother and sisters because I asked here politely to take an embarrassing picture of me off of her facebook page. Expressing my opinions and feelings shouldn’t end in a fight […]
i am a29years male,nothing exites me any more, i dont have any friends, i always thought about suiside,attemted few times but failed, my parents dont know it, i have quit my job,want to kill my self any how, i dont sleep now ,dont know whether i have insominia or not, but it doesnt mater anymore,its not that i havent fight it,, i am fighting it from past 3 or 4 years, but it beyond control now, i just want to kill myself anyhow possible,plz dont give me crap shit, just tell me new and possible painfull ways of death.
I guess it all started when I was a little kid. My parents fighting all the time and me being present when they did, it made me feel kind of sad, why did they fight? Was it because of me? And the answer was yes, or at least to me it was and it still is. I don’t blame them though, because that’s how they dealt with their problem (me) and now I deal mine with self-harm.
First time I cut was when I as about 11 years old and I did it because my dad had been yelling at me for a lot of things. […]