i’ve been down since forever and this spring i’ve had enough. I feel trapped inside my heavy body and can¨t wait to get out. i avoid social situations but my BF has many friends and sometimes they come to our place. I mostly hide in my bedroom and he’s ashamed. But I can’t stand social situations. I start crying. Everyone’s looking weird at me and I’ve lost them forever, I will always be the weird chick that started crying. I hate it when my bf says i don’t try hard enough and that he’s ashamed of me. My dad used to tell me […]
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First Thought
The first time I tried to kill myself was on November 3rd 2012.
I was friends with this girl Tori, and then one day, for no reason I know of, she changed. She hated me. I didn’t know what I did. But that week after she changed was hell for me. She called me things, made fun of me, tripped me, hit me. And on that day, I’d had enough. When I get on the bus, I instantly regretted it. It’s like I could feel that I was going to go home and kill myself. My bus stop is the first one, right before hers. When […]
Why I am so paranoid…
Why I refuse to make new friends…
Why I always hide what I feel behind tongues…
Why I think the worst of people whom I had never met…
Why I never get close to anyone…
Well, I will tell you.. But only once for my memory isn’t the best and reliving what had happened only scars me even more…
He was there for me. He wasn’t my significant other or anything, in fact he was more of a big brother to me. You see I used to have an older brother, but he passed away due to cancer.. After many years of not having and older […]
I’m home alone, the only thing I can hear is the clocks ticking and my heart beating. that’s not entirely true, I hear my thoughts. my awful thoughts that tell me that I’ve had enough. the thing is I’m scared to give in. I’m scared to give up.
I was watching a movie with my family the other night, and I remember what one of the characters said to another, “Fear is what keeps us alive” right about now, I’m assuming that’s true. that’s the only thing keeping me alive. I want to die, but I’m afraid of what will happen to everyone else. leaving behind […]
Okay. Hi. I don’t know what posting here will do, I think I’d just like to share my thoughts on this somewhere. I’ll cover the steps I’ve taken, the thoughts I’ve idled over and my plan.
For my own reasons (which I won’t share, I’m not here to do that) I have decided that I am going to die. I’ve put a lot of thought into this, and death, and am okay with that decision. It has been in the works for a number of years. I have doubts, which I’ll cover, because anyone who can say they’re facing a big decision with no doubt is […]
Wrecked my brand new car and the only friend I had at work is leaving. Mom is still in the nursing home and she’s never getting out alive. It’s so hard to find a purpose when you never get good news. My first thought when I wake up in the morning is ‘I can’t believe I have to face another day’.
Mary Richardson was in the news again today – well actually it was her husband. Reading about her really makes me think of suicide as a way out. Problem is I don’t have the guts to kill myself in such a brutal way.
Why is it that when anything bad happens to me the first thought that comes to my head is killing myself. No matter what I do I feel useless and in the way. Or that I’m putting some weight on someone to help me. I just want to close the door to that past, but everytime I try to do that I end up cutting off from everyone in my life. I don’t know if I do it so if I break down they don’t see what I’m going through and try to help me. Which in turn would cause me to open that door […]
Suicide thoughts creeping in again and again.
They wont escape from my dark mind. I fucking hate this eating disoder.
I hate it, it’s taking over my life and I keep denying it. I know it’s true.
Wake up and the first thought is:should I eat? No you fucking pig you shouldn’t
I isolate from everyone and everything. I
I wouldn’t have to live with this stuff if I just died. Shit, If i had drugs I’d shoot them up…
I woke up this morning and the first thought that came in to my head, as always, is that I don’t want to be here. I don’t want to be in this house, in this city, in this country, in my life.
Feeling like this all the time just isn’t normal. There was a time when I was younger I could forget it all, brush off my worries with my friends and alcohol and even when I couldn’t, when it came down to the worse-than-usual days I had my friends to keep me going. I had 3 very good friends back then, 2 neighbours who […]
Every now and then I catch myself getting lost in my thoughts. I know Im not the only one, but at times I feel that I do it more than some. My paranoia will kick in, I start getting lost in the thoughts, and ideas that it brings. I catch myself thinking that this and that are true, but deep down I KNOW that they are NOT true. This has gotten worse within the past couple of years. I know that the thoughts I have are not true, but I often think what if that is, what if that will happen? When this first occured […]
It was my job to keep my phone by my side…my best friend AKA my brother made it clear that he would call ME, if anyone, if he contemplated suicide. At 9;43PM May 8, 2010, I called him and left a message about the Mother’s Day celebration the following day. In a heavy sleep, I missed a phone call at 6AM from a restricted number. Come 8AM, there was a knock at my door. My girlfriend (I was in a gay relationship at the time) answered the door and came back to bed to inform me that my mother and aunt were there. First thought-SHIT, […]
Im so freaking tired of having to fake my way through life I go to work and have to pretend im fine cuz if anybody there knew the truth ( i hate myself and want to die) they would never trust me again and wouldn’t let em do my job the only thing I have in my life that actually keeps me grounded I fucking hate my life why can’t i be a better person I mean what the hell is wrong with me that when I got frustrated at work today my first thought was to strangle myself and my second was to chop […]