I think I need to up my dosage. I’ve been on anti-depressants for 6 weeks and I haven’t felt any positive effect. If anything, I feel worse. Suicide resides in the forefront of my mind. Futility rules supreme in my mind. I’ll meet with my therapist, maybe she can help.
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Forefront
I sit here wishing that I was someone else. Perhaps a quiet person who didn’t have these tendencies – ruthless, narcisistic, destructive, tenacious thoughts and feelings that make up a large part of my being.. Maybe I would be “better” if I was just able to be myself. The more time that passes always seems to push reality into the forefront, and unfortunately I’m pretty sure that it’s all gray matter. Why do I need to take things so far? Why can’t I control myself? Why Why Why do I have to be this person plauged with an overwhelming sense of manotany and a brain that tells me […]
The physical pain and the disease remain. Those cannot be cured. But the mental pain, the betrayals, the tragedies, the taking of my innocence as a child which warped me for most of my life. No counseling could make me expose that…. that horror….in my time boys were raised to be the strong silent type….. and even if the occurrence was not your fault you could not tell.
Because you did not want anyone to think you were not a man. So you overcompensate by trying to excel at everything. Grades, martial arts, sports, charisma, poetry, art, women, loyalty, generosity, being the alpha male amongst your […]