The last time and post from me was in July last year I believe. I want all of you to know that I got through everything, I have even lost track of the last time I self-harmed. I don’t have nay urges or necessities to self-harm and it’s great. I have fallen in some bad places since July, and I mean BAD, but my point is that I got through them, I’m currently getting through and when they’re over, I’m just going to feel free once more. So, just take it from me, love yourself, help yourself, and BELIEVE in yourself.
So I’ve been seeing this therapist for a year and it’s in the public sector and free. Just recently been told my time is up with her. IM GUTTERED AND DEVASTATED to say the least!!
I shared so much with her my past traumas as a child then adult. That no one knew about. I could tell her anything. She listened she cared. I’m in so much pain that I’m losing her out of my life. Can’t imagine not having her it’s causing me huge suicidal thoughts. She trumps my own family and friends. She means everything to me.
I have huge attachment problems with people and […]
I’m not Christian or anything, but i still fear the possibility of going to hell if i kill myself. I have chronic pain, severe depression, anxiety, and PTSD due to an abusive childhood. I’m ready to die, but this dumb fear is holding me back and i don’t know how to get over it. I’m suffering and i just want to be free. Does anyone have any advice at all? :/
People I talk to have said tears before God are prayers that God hears and reaches his heart. If that is true then he feels nothing for me. I’m so sick of being a good Christian girl who is forgotten by God. Seems if when he was making all his children I was just the remaining dust on the floor that he swept and threw away.
They said that when I got sober things would get better , that as long as I did the next right thing God will help me. He won’t though. They say that I’m selfish by thinking of suicide and that […]
He was beginning to realise that things were out of his control, always had been and always will be. He had made so many plans for the future, seemingly carved in stone. But really he was a child drawing in the sand with a stick, his ideas, his hopes and his dreams were always going to be washed away by the tide.
His body was a road map of scars, but he had no idea where they’d lead him. Each one told a different story, some told multiple versions of the same story and some refused to utter their secrets. His arms were so heavily slashed […]
A fried of mine was kind enough to model for a set of photos that I done when I first started college. She fit the concept perfectly.
She had never felt so free
Had never been more alive
On that day she began to see
How it felt to live her own life
She didn’t plan to take this road
But now she’s here all alone
She isn’t lonely and hasn’t lost hope
She just wants a friend and a chance to grow
When her […]
that the earth is pregnant with buzzards?
And it’s going into labor…it’s convulsing…it’s going to squeeze out this bloody mass of preying creatures to pick clean the bones of those already dead.
I will finally be free
Oh, and I’m passing for a boy now, as long as I don’t open my mouth. Fuck yeah. My brother’s friends call me Matt. Fuck yeah.
I finished my research paper.
I talked to a counselor about a LGBT support group.
I took my pill today.
My grandma hasn’t called up yet to drag my ass back to her house to rot in a pious censored environment.
For the first time in 14 years on this cracked polluted smelly grey earth, I’m myself.
If you think about it, everything on this earth is essentially shit, or at least some form of shit.
FUCK YEAH. SHOUT IT. 4 more years and I’m free […]
I was going to take the jump, in front of the train. Looking dead at the tracks. I was so ready for this all to end. Some guy was there though. He grabbed my arm and yelled at me. Called the police. Stupid guy, if only he could see that I’m already dead. I just thought I’d break this vessel called my body so I can free my spirit. But that stupid ass man ruined it. Stayed in a psych ward after I was treated for hypothermia. My parents are suddenly keeping a wary eye on me now. Babysitting . The minute they decide to […]
And again I’m crying like a child.
My mother and my sister both asked for my help at the same time. I can’t be in two places. They don’t seem to understand.
I left my only hobby, the only moment of the week when I see people and do something I like, because every week I had to pick up my sister from the train at that hour. Just too tired to argue with her.
I study in a online university, just to have time to work and pay for my degree. But I have to work in my mother’s shop for free so we don’t have to […]
I have a handle of vodka, antidepressants, and a razor.
I haven’t properly slept in a little over a week. I’ve probably slept about 4 hours the most.
When I do sleep, I get these nightmares of the same thing. When i’m awake, I see the creature everywhere I go. The voices in my head won’t shut up.
I just want to be free. Is that too much to ask? I feel like a zombie half time. Sleep is my enemy. My mind is hazardous.
I’m tired of crying, i’m tired of sleepless nights, i’m tired of being being tired. I don’t know what the fuck to do anymore.
I can feel it inside of me. Bubbling up, and boiling over.
Like a runaway train barreling down the tracks.
God help the girl tied up at the end of the line.
I’ve done my best to alter my own course.
I listened.
I engaged.
I followed every order they gave me.
I have the day planned out to a tee. I just don’t know when that day will be. It’s soon, that much I know.
I have to earn their trust back, enough to gain leniency.
Then I have to use guilt to cut the remaining threads.
Once that’s done, I’ll be free.
I’m not proud of what I’ve done, nor am I proud of […]
My treacherous mind lives in the hope of a new world while outside I become an insensitive monster.
The part of me that still feels shout in agony locked in a world full of bullshit waiting for the moment when we both get free. The moment of my death.
Almost 12 in the morning. I haven’t get out of bed. Downstairs, my dogs are barking at something. They’re nervous, they haven’t gone for a walk for some days now. I feel terribly guilty for it. I guess that just not guilty enough to find the courage to face the world.
At some point, I’ll need to leave the bed, even if it’s just to feed them and go to the bathroom. It feels like an enormous job to do.
No Internet, not phone at home. The bill hasn’t been paid. Some weeks ago, it would have dragged me to anxiety. Today, it’s almost a relief not […]
What would happen if I began shrieking? And then took a permanent marker and scarred up my grandmother’s gleaming new cupboards? And then chucked a glass mug through the windowpanes? Let all that chilled air in here.
She’s cleaning something in the bathroom…I’m doing schoolwork…ooh, I’m tempted…
I need to stop this. A spell is coming on, I can feel it, this is a bad time…can’t concentrate. Gonna hurt something.
There’s a caved-in Valentine’s balloon in the living room, floating near the ceiling…ha ha, Valentine’s day…my mother was committed to the hospital on the day of love…we brought her flowers and told her through glass smiles that she […]
Hi guys. Today’s been a rough day. I don’t know what’s going on with me. I’m almost one-year self harm free, but today I almost lost. I was at my choir concert, and I was sad, I’ve been struggling with my depression for a week. But after our performance it was like all my energy was gone and before I even knew what was happening I had my hair clip out of my hair and right against my arm. I almost did it. I don’t know why. I was able to stop myself. But I just wondered if you guys had any theories about why […]
In a world all our own
We ponder unknown things
Far above what was sown
We pull on the strings
Of fantasy and reality
To make ourselves kings
Until something breaks our vanity
A revelation appears
To shake our insanity
For delusion is our fuel
To escape from our fate
And when reality is cruel
We realize we are too late
Our lives were decided
On a long gone date
And for dreams we are chided
By truths awful hate
That my fantasies were the only thing left
And I lied:
About qualities of which I am bereft
And when the illusion died
I realized the theft
This isn’t a “woe is me” post and I apologize in advance if it comes across that way. I dont think my issues or my life is any worse than anyone else here. Im presently numb and seem to be somehow getting more and more so as the days pass. I feel so absolutely and completely overwhelmed that it’s like I cannot handle anything else so I have become numb. I have been severely depressed and suicidal for awhile now, but have tried my best to hold on. There is nothing left to cling to.
My injury seven years ago left me with continual physical pain. […]
Hello SP friends. I had planned on signing off tomorrow, but see, my fiance has an important job interview the next day. He told me if I were to do anything tomorrow, he’d never be able to go through with the interview and he’d be screwed over, as well as without me in the world. So I decided I won’t do it tomorrow so that he can get his job. I’ll just have to find another day to do it. Until then, I’m listlessly floating through life, spending all of my free time sleeping. Maybe I should be more social? If anyone needs someone to […]
I told my father how I felt, everything that I felt and he got mad at me, he called me names, he yelled, and then he left. A few moments later he came back to tell me that I was a waste of space, and I told him that I didn’t care what he said because I was going to kill myself that day anyway.
After I yelled that while everyone else in my family was listening, I ran. I ran because I knew my mother, my sister and my brother would try to stop me from doing that. I hid, but was found moments […]