I’m 19 years of age and in need of  a way out of this world. I just can’t deal with the stress and hurt any longer. Sure it goes away for a few days maybe even weeks but this horrible feeling come back with vengeance all the time. Even more powerful and even longer than before. It’s always on and off and all I wanna do when I feel that way is sleep because I can escape. I’m failing college and loosin all my friends one by one. I am truly alone. My parents would flip if they knew I was failing, and more than likely […]
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I wish i could go back  and do things differently. Now im stuck. I guess thats just the way life goes, although I know I would die if I knew I could come back new. i didnt know someone my age could carry so much regret. It only really hurts when I see something that that reminds me, like today i saw the snack gummies that we used to eat whilst we stayed up all night long watching stupid movies. I did everything you asked of me, and would literally have pulled my heart out and given it to you if you needed it. How […]
They say it’s a safe haven.That you won’t have to worry. You can always talk to someone. They are so wrong. Because there really is no place to be safe. But this place is the worst. You will be worried for years. Until you leave this place for good. But for now you have to go there each day and then go home scared for the next. People don’t listen here. They take power of your fear. They can completely ruin your life. You can’t escape it. Everyone goes. It’s a life sentence. Here is your hell. Where your life can be destroyed. If I […]
“Confidence is 10% hard work, and 90% delusion, just thinking foolishly that you will be able to do what you want”
I was fed such fallacious bullshit. Â Fetch that medicine, but I’m done ingesting it like a puppet, kay?
What I aim to disclose, is all this ‘you can get anywhere with confidence’ is going to make me narcoleptic in due time. I’m pretty jaded already. Â What I perceived is, whether my effort is made with or without morale; it ultimately ends up the same. Â Abominable or indifferent. Â It’s just so invariable. Â A situation where effort is put forth with or without confidence is so analogous to […]
I’ve attempted many times to better myself and failed. I’ve been an active person in the community, some failed jobs, and I’ve allowed alcohol to come into my life not knowing what would happen. I’ve tried sucide before but it didn’t work. And since then the feelings come back every now and then. Feelings of resentment, bitterness, hate and low self/family/community worth. And now I’m in debt, unemployed and taking up space. I’ve applied for an apprenticeship program and I hope it goes well so I can get back on my own two feet again. Thanx.
Hi. I’m Dolly. I’m going to attempted to explain ME through things that I hate.
Enjoy.
I hate when people say if you wanted to die you would have killed yourself already.
I hate when people think I’m too pretty to REALLY commit suicide.
I hate when I try to talk to someone about my world it doesn’t seem important.
I hate when my boyfriend beats me. Then makes me prostitute after.
I hate being his prostitute.
I hate when an abusive step dad goes”unnoticed”
I hate animal abusers.
I hate that my friends can commit suicide but I can not.
I hate when my boyfriend slaps me […]
Haven’t slept in two days. Not depressed, just I get insomnia sometimes. I lie awake in bed with my eyes closed for several hours until my alarm goes off. So work was hard today. But I love my job. I thought about suicide for the first time in months today, but not with much conviction. I didn’t really want to die, not like before, but it just felt like it would be easier. I’ve stopped feeling depression (along with every other complex emotion) thanks to sertraline. It’s been such a long time since I felt happy our scared or angry or ashamed or sad. I […]
I’m positive that feeling alone is universal, but that seems to be the force behind my depression. Like being together with people yet being isolated. As if I purposely hold myself back from being alive or living metaphorically of course. To me life is punishment. ironically I am a hypocritical hypocrite. I say I hate stuff and then I do that stuff and hate myself for hating to do it will hating myself for thing my self. Did any of that make sense? Self loathing comes and goes a lot, but I sit here thinking of obscure ways to end it all….and I stare at my […]
He’s the asshole. I stick around after all he did to me because I care about people, way more than I should. I get a message that he’s afraid he’d hurt himself, and I freak out and unblock all means of communication so he can talk to me because I kept thinking he was DEAD, and then I hear he’s all ok, just fell asleep and didn’t message back because he decided to play his damn computer games. I say one fucking thing wrong, ONE, and he goes batshit crazy, calls me all sorts of names (that I know are already true) and then says […]
I could do the whole life is meaningless and pointless because personally in my eyes it’s true. I just wanted to express the fact as to how everything is so black and white to me now. I see people but not the faces its weird. I used to think life was so beautiful and just perfect but  i don’t know if its because got older or whatever but nothings the same.  I see the world for what it truly is which is such a terrible and horrible place ( in my eyes) but, iv’e recently made plans for suicide and if all goes as planned […]
I have an innate desire to die. It is ingrained in my every thought. I feel as though I have no reason to live. I’ve suffered from depression for ten years and I’m tired that it never goes away. Through medication and therapy there is no cure. Life is meaningless. Time passes and I go through the motions. There is nothing left but to sit and wait. Trying to convince myself that things will get better or looking forward to things that don’t matter. Am I not just creating an illusion to give me a reason to keep going? Â Once that goal has passed it […]
So I disappointed my folks again
I can’t seem to do anything right
i feel like nothing ever goes right for me
why does the nice guy have to finish last
maybe u should stop trying and end it all
I’m such a failure
When they say silence is golden,
you know it’s true,
when you experience her,
yelling at you.
You want to cry,
you hold back tears,
everything you lost,
is so near.
You look her in the eye,
and take it like a man,
even when you’ve had enough,
when it’s all you can stand.
She doesn’t care,
she keeps yelling.
Maybe becomes physical,
she says don’t go telling.
You keep your mouth shut,
you wipe away your tears,
you put on a fake smile,
for your sanity my dear.
Once your awake,
you fear the day,
you want to go back to sleep,
and make your pain wash away.
When she […]
I hurt myself today
To see if I still feel
I focus on the pain
The only thing that’s real
The needle tears a hole
The old familiar sting
Try to kill it all away
But I remember everything
What have I become
My sweetest friend
Everyone I know goes away
In the end
And you could have it all
My empire of dirt
I will let you down
I will make you hurt
I wear this crown of thorns
Upon my liar’s chair
Full of broken thoughts
I cannot repair
Beneath the stains of time
The feelings disappear
You are someone else
I am still right […]
Whenever i look around me, i see people smiling, people hugging, people caring about each other. i guess im just another stupid girl though. i fell in love with a boy who goes to the same school as me. i see him every day and it hurts me because im still tryin to get over him. he sees that im in pain but he goes on acting like nothign is wrong. i try to find the courage to talk to him but all i end up thinking about is death. i dont want to keep on with this pain. i want it to finish and […]
The blade gleams in the moonlight
A drop of cursed blood spilt at night
On to the dirt and the mud where it feels right
And tears from an empty husk mix with the blood and mud at dusk
The thoughts flow like water, getting caught in the rapids of this martyr
One less life to plague the earth
From ashes to ashes and from dirt to dirt
Perhaps one day someone will learn
The call of a thousand muffled voices
He can’t tell the difference between the memories and the ghosts toying with him
He can’t hear reality’s call, so subtle and soft in […]
Depression is an illness and so is bipolar but life is a disease for which there is no cure. I’m sick of these fuken feel good therapists- they live inside a bubble that they wont break out of fear,and have permanent rose coloured glasses on-maybe ignorance is bliss- if it doesn’t penetrate the mind then it doesn’t matter . What about them god lovers they live in their own worlds too if something goes wrong they see it as a lesson from god and praise and are delighted by this! Nothing makes sense anymore -and nothing really matters!! No one can see behind the masks that […]
That’s all I ever hear. It’s just a “stage”. Every teenager goes through it at some point. All they want is attention. Lie. It’s all a lie. If this is a “stage” then it’s one long, never ending “stage”.  I’m not a three year old going through the “toddler stage” like every toddler goes through. That’s a “stage”. I’m NOT going through a “STAGE”! this is a lifestyle. A lifestyle we dont want but are given.
I just sent an e-mail to a site that (supposedly) does contract killing.
Yep.
They’ll hopefully kill me (I haven’t received a response yet) and then they can do whatever the fuck they want with my shit. Sell it, break it, donate it, I don’t give a fuck.
Pathetic, can’t even kill myself. Need to hire it out. Oh well. Hopefully they’ll get back to me and this will end quickly. If they’ll even do it. If this is even a real site and not someone trying to be funny.
This is terribly reckless. And I find myself not caring.
See y’all on the other side, if […]
Friday night
Comes and goes
I’m laying here
All alone
Misery visits
As well as my haunting past
Hoping this pain doesn’t last.
A voice
Says
“Darling, you are
Nothing anymore.”
And I believe the words it speaks.
Hands are sweaty
Body is weak.
I grab a chair
and my noose
Hanging it high
Letting my demons loose.
Now I’m gone.