I’m sorry I’m about to be all wordy, jumbled, and redundant and you probably don’t care about my life story, but I need an outlet.
I grew up with an ideal life. Friends–two best friends who all did everything together. Family–mom, dad, brother, sister. We always did all the family-esque things together.
We must have looked great from the outside.
In 3rd grade, I was told by my doctor that I had anxieties. I was going home from school everyday sick to my stomach due to my constant worrying. My father hadn’t contacted me in awhile and it was the first thing that had me worried so bad at a young age. I was making myself really sick and I’d have panic attacks. As I got older, I struggled with more teenage problems. My anxieties were at an ultimate high. I’m sixteen years old and can barely drive a car because I get worried about everything I’m doing and I have a panic attack and […]
I have anxiety, stress. When I wake up everyday I am in a state of panic. It takes about 30 mins of meditation to slow to heart rate from about 130 down to 70 beats per minute. My girlfriend says I shout in my sleep sometimes. After I slow my heart I can think straight again. But it takes about another hour before I can actually eat anything. So I get up every day around 6.
I can feel my heart all the time. When someone says something to me, I can actually feel how my body has reacted to it in my pulse and in […]
Went to that place I haven’t been in years. Not since that thing happened. I found a locked box I vaguely recognized. As luck (or misfortune) would have it, my foot kicked something that went ringing across the floor… a small brass key.
Chunks of my brain lit up with warning signals, heart rate went crazy and I started sweating like a slug. But the idiot that I am, I opened it anyway.
There was only one other person in the world who could have interpreted what I found inside. Now there’s only me. There’s no point in writing what I found, because it wouldn’t make sense […]
Empty.Empty. This void that consumes me but wait shouldn’t I be happy and cloaked with this overwhelming love you’re giving me. But my EMPTINESS, loneliness take over me and these dark clouds hang over me…as I gasp for air…it’s no use. This monster inside me clutches at my lungs and slows my heart rate as the light dims…. Â I feel Cold. DEAD. No I am very much awake, although these hollow faded brown lifeless eyes stare back at you. I am not there to be aware or share in the laughter that seems to be laughing at me. Â I am alone.
from reverse
My last post “no energy“ was posted on Sunday.
Monday i woke up for school, was very hot, but didn’t think much of it. i got up and felt really ill and my belly was tossing and turning, so i went to the toilet.
But on my way to the toilet i went the dizziest i’ve ever been, then i blacked out. Next thing i know i am on the toilet floor with my dad picking me up, then i blacked out again, i couldn’t have fainted again… could i? i woke up on the hall way floor and my dad peering over me saying my name over and over again.
I […]
In a fleeting glance I look normal. I have two great kids under 7. I volunteer at school, teach a after school art class, president of PTA. I cook wholesome and tasty meals, bread and cookies to die for. My husband is a physics professor and we have been married 10 years.
I scrapbook, write, read and jog/bike. I meditate and do yoga. Until three months ago I also worked 3 jobs, most at night when kids were asleep or at school so I could be home with the kids. I did play dates, taught my children French and sign language.
Then one night I […]
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