Today instead of driving straight home I took a long detour around my town. I went up and down streets and stopped occasionally on a hill side. I pondered whether or not to hit to gas and keep going. A small accident maybe, they would say. But it would be okay for me. All that pain and stupid shit would be over. All the worry about being so fucking different and not normal would be gone. I wouldn’t spend the rest of my life locked up somewhere. No, if I were to be punished then I’d rather die because I’m already living in hell. I […]
Tag:
hit
My family suck. Mostly my mom though. They are full of empty promises and bullshit reasons to hit you or ***** you out for something stupid. Like today for example, I was walking around this glass table outside when my dog, who was with me, freaked out and pushed the table over. My mom gets angry and blame me for the table being broken. She hit me and started saying things that just hurt, especially when it’s coming from FAMILY. She cared more about ten old table that’s about 7 years old then me bleeding and hurt. Like it’s a table. She was talking about […]
still seeking the refuge, hit my back up.
I’m walking down the line that divides me somewhere in my mind. Don’t get too close it’s dark inside, it’s where my demons hide: drink until they stop screaming your name. I’m down to my last drink, time to sell my things. Pack my bags and never look back. Run a parallel line with the railroad tracks. Make my getaway. How the hell did it end up like this? Why wasn’t I able to see the signs that I missed and try and turn the tables? I would stand in the wind, I was free like water flowing down under the warmth of the sun. […]
Fuck it all.
I tried to make my friends understand what I go through,and the harsh reality hit me:I had no true friends.They were only using me while I was still usable and now that I am going through a hard time,all of them,absolutely all of them,dumped me.
I miss the days when I was together with my ex-girlfriend.We were both struggling with extreme suicidal thoughts and depression,among many other mental illnesses,and we were supporting each-other through this shit.I guess now that she got better she doesn’t give a fuck about me anymore.That’s good…It’s good…It’s all fucking good…Wish you fucking luck with that German guy you are […]
Although I would never walk that same path, knowing the pain that will rein onto my loved ones. Being a heroin junkie drowned out my depression caged my thoughts with painful withdrawals and lifted me back up to clouds when I finally got that hit. No self-loathing no depression but at the very least a selfish reason for living.
Dear family friends and the love of my life,
I have finally hit the wall I cant do this anymore. The pain is just to much. I beg for a way out and this is I guess the only solution to my problems. Isaac I love you more than anything but you could do so much better than me. Please don’t mourn over my death and be happy with another girl.. Melissa my sweet little sister stay strong and don’t let them walk on you like I let them do to me. Mother and father you two are part of the reason I’m doing this. You […]
My life is a living hell right now my parents are divorced I cut I fight with my mother constantly and I hate my life,my father called me a ***** and told me to fuck off the my step father tried to hit me!i hate this world and I have no one who cares at all I just want to overdose and fucking die!!! No one cares anymore….waking up each day is like dying all over again….and maybe I’ll go somewhere better because I lived In hell most of my life….
I feel alone, but not the kind of lonely where I have friends who ignore me. I feel as if I am trapped in a crowded room, full of people who used to make me smile. But, now, they don’t notice me. I can stand in the center, scream at the top of my lungs, but none of them would notice.
I feel empty inside. Like an abandoned building, rotting away and about to collapse. No one wants to be around, but when someone does come around, it’s just as a bet or to toy around.
I have no family that cares anymore. I got […]
Hey..
Did you know that I cried myself to sleep last night?
Did you know that I sit alone in class?
Did you know that my friends talk behind my back?
Did you know that I fake a smile?
Did you know that I lie when I say I’m alright?
Hey… Hey, mom..
Did you know that thoughts of suicide became an ordinary thing for me?
Did you know that it hurt when you called me fat?
Did you know what I go through at school?
Did you know how much it hurts when I don’t get a higher mark in my tests, and to see the disappointment on everyone’s faces when I fail their […]
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vVQQbOZsR_0
There are those who die before they’re ready. And there are those who are ready before they die.
Timing is the only problem. I’ve been ready to die for at least 20 years but it hasn’t happened. On the other hand somewhere in the world, someone got hit by a bus and killed 20 years before she would’ve accomplished her life’s work. Oopsie. Life’s a ***** like that.
The best you can do is decide when it’s time to die and immediately make it happen. Those are the only true winners in this world.
I posted last week about repeatedly falling out of bed a few days earlier and ending up in the E.R. with respiratory failure from some type of Pneumonia. Fucked as my luck runs a few days later I was released to home care and cleared to go back to work. Of course I am far weaker than before the incident and my usual level of physical pain is now at least twice as intense as it was before.
I could barely do my job as it was. It takes me nearly two hours to get out of bed and dress for work – God only knows […]
It’s not the first time
My family has caused these thoughts
The thoughts of jumping
They wouldn’t care
They don’t care
They never did
They never will
They’ll never love
They’ll never care
Regardless of what people say
My family doesn’t love me
They glare at me
Wish I was better
I’m not good enough for them
I have the wrong taste in music
Disgusting fashion style
The way I think is awful
All they ever wanted was a perfect daughter
They got my sister
But then the mistake came
Me
And now they can’t live with me
So they hurt me
Glare at me
Damn, now where can I purged.
Asking for a child, for in the name of the god.
Seeking. Abyssal lost. One in a billion.
All I can do. Nothing I can do. So just do it.
But what to do, like the meaning of my name.
The protector of the sun.
Tamed in abyssal, the Titans.
We the Humans, now like the ants.
Every hit. Every line. Beautiful music.
The melody, and the chain. Devil helds you by the iron ball.
I am a fucked up puppet, my true self, has never been shown.
The masquerade, the façade, the charade, what was the last one….
Hades, sitting in the shade. The shadow. Beast Vs. Kid Death.
Wow. Down, getting […]
Texting and driving. They’re not a good combo. Seeing as I was in broad daylight, wearing a visible light blue shirt, and using a crosswalk, there’s no reason for me to get run over by some idiot who thinks that she’s too awesome to put down the phone for a bit. Well, two surgeries and some awesome pain meds later, I’m here. I got lucky, only crush damage on my organs, apparently hit my spleen pretty good, but they fixed that. I know I want to die and all, but not by getting run over
I have a thousand fucks, but don’t give one
Spending my last days watching the setting sun
The lies I tell myself, to continue this charade
The painful memories streaming by in parade
Lights out, hit the racks
Bag up my ashes in a paper sack
Elation creeping up my spine
For on this poison I shall dine
As blissful silence
Replaces self inflicted violence
i feel a crying jag coming on for no particular reason. just really sad today. i am pretty sure i took my meds this morning though my memory sucks when i am in this state. i wonder what it would be like to not take meds. just be me au naturale. i suppose i would just fall further into the abyss. though at this time i question whether there is much more to fall into. my suicidal thoughts are all encompassing. i see my death in everyday things. falling down the stairs, crossing the street, cutting up vegetables, burning myself on the stove. when i […]
Is death.
So why can’t I be done with it now instead of being me? Â The hollow thing I am is that of a failure. Â Loneliness has been my sole companion for as long as I can remember.
There’s no future for me, not even entering the rat race for the green god known as money because I am incapable of working, let alone having the enjoyment and success precious few people ever experience.
And I sit here alone piddling away the days because I can do nothing better.
Why was I not put down in the womb? Â Why did the car stop before it hit me?
Why can no […]
This has been the longest weekend ever.
Everyday, something disappointing happens. And it just adds to the problems she already has.
Today is Sunday. A day that is meant for rest before the new week begins. But she cannot rest, in fact she is restless…and this is the most restless she has been since she started considering suicide.
A moment ago she picked up a pen and then stared at her wrist. She thrusted the  point of the pen to her wrist, but stopped before it hit it. “What if I just punctured it. And started bleeding to death.”
With the news she received yesterday, she just can’t take it […]