more pathetic blathering

i feel a crying jag coming on for no particular reason. just really sad today. i am pretty sure i took my meds this morning though my memory sucks when i am in this state. i wonder what it would be like to not take meds. just be me au naturale. i suppose i would just fall further into the abyss. though at this time i question whether there is much more to fall into.  my suicidal thoughts are all encompassing. i see my death in everyday things. falling down the stairs, crossing the street, cutting up vegetables, burning myself on the stove. when i see a car coming towards me i mentally challenge the driver to hit me. hit me and make it a good one. nothing half-assed. being home alone doesn’t exactly help with my morbid thoughts. but there really isn’t anywhere else for me to go. there is plenty of things i need to do here at home.  i am wondering if i will survive the year. or if i really even care to. enough pathetic blathering there are things i need to do.