“I’m not who I thought I was and I’m terrified that I never will be.”
Tag:
identity
I’m tired of depression. It is all i know. I have no connection to anything. I want to die. Im tired of wanting to die but constantly living. Im tired of my brain. I’m tired of my loneliness. Im tired of inexplicably having everything i do here moderated. Im tired of having no identity or ability identify with anyone. I’m tired of being ugly. I’m tired of being fat. Im tired of whining. I’m tired of being tired. I’m tired of breathing. Im tired of annoying you all.
There is no excerpt because this is a protected post.
Zetsumei and Rocketman arrive at a village stuck inside the middle of a hailstorm. The villagers are all frozen solid but it looks like the cold wasn’t what killed them. They all had fatal injuries from guns and swords. Zetsumei walks into the village nonchalantly while Rocketman is shivering and visibly afraid.
Rocketman avoids the hail while remarking, “That is some big hail. They are as big as an eyeball, at least.”
Zetsumei: The hail is increasing in size and speed as we near the middle of the village.
Rocketman: You think this is the result of someone’s power?
Zetsumei: Yes, I can sense the aura in the air.
The […]
it seems whole life is the procrastination of one single moment of nothingness, when lifes shows itself with it’s full absence of meaning. soon it will pass. and how does it pass will always remain a mistery. maybe we’re just so obsessed with meanings, and so willing to impose an identity and causality to the great plurality of existence. our stubborness is the very origin of our anguish.
but how can we accept the pluralism of existence, if our own words just arrests us into the everlasting nostalgia for an other world?
i just don’t know.
the question is what the fuck did happen with my life for […]
I’ve always had depression but I’ve never had the heart to tell my family. Some friends know, the ones I can really trust, but for the most part it’s all a secret. Anyway, there’s one ‘friend’ who I thought I could trust. I told her about my gender identity and sexuality the other day in confidence and she didn’t support it. I ended up having an argument with her and she ended it by using my depression against me. She said she could make me self harm and starve myself and even kill myself. She didn’t have to say anything else. I think she might […]
I met up with my little brother in Victoria today. Fuckin’ cool meeting of the great minds. He’s been goin through some intense changes himself but im glad to see he’s pushing through and making necessary changes. Such a beautifully intense conversation about our current transformations. I’m finally embracing my trans identity and confronting and riding the emotions head on. Such a beautiful freedom. Scary as fuck as I fight my inner judgments and christian past. Fuck it. I feel it, I’m going to do it. Transgender is a fuckin’ gorgeous thing. Such a heavy burden to bear if filled with self hate and fear. […]
Fuck man I’m feeling death take over my soul minute by minute today. Feel so weak. Agh goddamn. I should be past this. I should be this and should be that. I should’ve never been born. This life man – all its been is pain. What a ***** of a life. I wish i knew who or what I was in a past life so i could channel that identity’s strength into this one. Fuck.
Why is it so hard to understand? I have depression, but I don’t want to be fixed or cured or given “coping stratergies” (ugh). I just want to die. That’s why I don’t go to counselors any more, or talk to my friends or family about this: they assume I actually want to get better and treat me as such. It’s an assumption that would make sense for a healthy human being, but clearly that’s not me. I’m sick of being told that “It gets better!” by people who don’t understand my problems, and in many cases are the cause of them in the first […]