Went back to my high school today for their spring musical. It’s been six years, and I still get emotional about that time in my life. The students did spectacular, indescribably so actually. I was so impressed. And then I had this moment, and it was almost like I could literally feel something shifting, breaking in my brain. It was all I could do to stand up or keep from crying. Good thing I had to leave early to get ready for work tonight. Six years, and so much has happened, and yet, I have made absolutely no progress. I really am so hopeless. Death, […]
Oh, I have reached my boiling point. My mood is so damn dynamic, yet it never graces a joyful moment or happiness in any capacity. I can mildly entertain myself, but it’s coupled with an anhedonia that leaves me feeling bland and unnatural. I am sick of my meds, seems they only worked for roughly a week, and due to diminished returns eventually my brain chemistry adapted leaving me with raw shitty emotions. I get endless anger; I am a ball of nerves. I desperately want stability, yet every damned minute my mood fluctuates. So exhausted right now.
What do you do to get yourselves out of […]
I don’t think I’ve felt complete in years. All there. Like something gnawing at my brain — chewing on it. A hamster or a rat just munching away bit by torturous bit. Like watching a horror movie where everyone dies at the end — you know — but you have to watch them die one by one. Or that moment on a beach when you see the water pull out for a couple kilometers out and it dawns on you — you’re impending doom […]
So here’s the thing. I hurt all the time, hurt from my head to my toes, just hurt everywhere and all the time. As cliché as this sounds it is literally as if there is something or part of my heart missing. I am also very lonely. I really want someone who will care for me, hold me as I start to cry, someone to tell me that I am perfect, beautiful.
I can be anyone be anyone I want to be, I can be the bad girl, the good girl, the messed up girl, the girl who doesn’t have a care. I don’t know who […]
“…You have been weighed and found wanting…”
The writing on the wall means a lot to me.
I’m not religious. I have very little idea of what significance it originally carried, although I think I have read the story.
For me, it’s a joke in a lot of ways.
People tell me I’m too thin (and I am, but not enough yet for real suspicion). Stage one, silly and shallow. Ha ha. Weighed and found wanting. Get it…?
I feel, much of the time and in many ways, that I’m never enough. However much I have, whatever all it is that I hold, no matter how loaded down with […]
it has been exposed
our secret leaked
the world now knows
there is beauty
in suffering.
I can attest
I’ve seen it too
the artistry
intense
vibrant colors
at our expense.
The tortured soul
a vicious hue
magenta, lavender
and blue.
The colors bleed
impending doom
a tiny whisper….
…soon…
Bruised and battered
masterpieces all
Trying to blend
and to conceal
all the colors we really feel
For it is only us
the chosen few
whom live it
own it
we cherish
abhor it.
The allure in me
the allure in you
we are so lucky
don’t you think
to posses the wondrous beauty
the raw and poignant beauty
of such suffering.
Tonight is awful. I’m close to tears, I feel very alone and unwanted. For the first time in months, I’ve actually considered hurting myself. I know that won’t help, but it’s so tempting. Since losing my therapist and many friends 3 weeks ago, I fell back hard into my already bad depression, making things worse.
I have no clue what to do anymore. I question myself. Am I good? Does my past make me bad? Am I loveable? School gets under my skin. Also, my impending birthday is looming over me like a giant, and my past is a scary dark forest around me.
I’m just lost. […]