Perhaps it was the ghostly feel of it all as I walked the streets. Perhaps it was the guy who had the sign “help I’ve disappeared”. I looked in the mirror once again. The traffic, the people, the buildings all belonged in a different dimension. I was in a dream, I was in a nightmare, I was in my life. Hello, I said but was ignored. Don’t they know I’m here, scream, you must scream. Scurry, scurry, they can’t feel you but you want their attention. Couples walk hand and hand, a man smokes a joint, another person screams at everyone and everything – she […]
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There it goes. The final nail in my coffin.
Feels like I painstakingly pushed it in with just my fingers.
Funny how all of these problems over the past few months will be over in the space of half an hour.
I havent been on here for almost a year, I wish i could say im a better person. The loneliness got so bad I actually decided to force myself to go to school. I lasted several monthes until I got so miserable I went back on independent study. I cant for the life of me understand why im so fucked in the head, in the time at school I actually made some friends. But of course, they slip through my fingers once I went on independent study. I did gain one thing from my time there, i met a girl. A beautiful mexican girl, we […]
I’m a writer working on a piece of fiction with the main character struggling with suicidal thoughts. I want this story to feel real, to connect with those who struggle/have struggled with suicide as well as those on the outside looking in. I’m looking for stories and feelings, the details that make it real. Please post in the comments or email them to me at aj@merlynsquill.com All emails will remain anonymous.
When the narcotics… The pills. .. Anything mind altering is gone..is when I feel everything the most.. I’m 20.. I’m a addict…I had previous problems before mentally all that I already posted on it….
I’ve noticed… I still feel like dieing when I’m high and I still attempt. But I find my self sober being maybe more successful in the near future… Drugs make me feel numb.. I no that. Mind altering and blah blah. I just want to stay high all the time. To like literally keep shit off my mind. But its getting more and more intence… I can feel it coming soon. I […]
Six months ago – In August 2014, I was perhaps happier than I’ve ever been and fulfilling a number of long-held dreams. I’m 45 years old and have a beautiful wife and daughter. I had been through some tough times before – nothing major – made some sacrifices and got through by focussing on the future. I was in the process of completing some big changes in my life that I had worked long and hard for.
Unexpectedly, a perfect storm of mostly random events and coincidences triggered a tidal wave of panic in me. Before I realized what was happening, I threw away a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity that […]
“Sweet soul, you have done more than you give yourself credit for, you are far more beautiful than you make out, you have made your way past moments that could have destroyed you and your future shines brighter than you realize. Celebrate yourself in this moment. The world is fortunate to have you.” ~ S.C. Lourie
Have hope and don’t be so hard on yourselves. You are always better, more important, and more alive than you feel in the darkest moments. there is light and there is a tomorrow.
I went four months without feeling depressed. The waves started rolling in this past week and now I feel like I’m drowning under water. My chest hurts with the weight of the water and my lungs have filled with the ocean. The life that I had in me is being pulled out like salt dehydrating a body. Before long, I’ll just be another leaf floating in the sea.
I’m engaged. She’s the most beautiful person in the world. But I feel so fuckin alone like.. I no she’s the one for me. Recently her roommate don’t like me and made me move out so I did just that . we’ve grown distant quickly. Three days I’ve been back at my grandmothers house. And she has broken promises and knows of my problems… She’s driving me over the edge …yes I’ve told her…and I beg of her not to keep hurting me… But …she doesn’t care… Not text no calls back she’s slowly breaking me know in I’m fucked up in the head… Why […]
I’ve built my life on trust… confiding in people, caring for them, loving them. And today I’ve realised most, if not all, have broken my trust in the last few weeks, when I needed them most. I’m doubting whether or not people are worth it… Is trust really not worth it?
Tell that black-honey buzzard to stop talking to me
Please, I can’t take it anymore, it’s telling me there’s relief on the kitchen counter in the wood block
It’s sitting next to me laughing its head off. Stop it, it’s dripping honey all over my striped arms
Please kill it, someone
I’m 21 and I’m already tired of this life. I don’t want to die..just want to disappear. I’m ready to give up everything I have, just to be in a better place. I started self harming last year. All these years, I was trying to be strong and pretending that I was normal after every shit that I’ve been through. Lying is more of a habit because nobody really wants to listen to your shit. Family still thinks that I’m fine and I’m scared to ask for help.
Day by day, I’m losing my sanity, cuts are getting more deeper and memories are fading.
Sometimes […]
I always play out something in my head like for example, if I imagine myself going to my room to put curtains up I imagine seeing a face in the window… But I never see them just imagine them and it’s always the same monster just different at times.. It’s always a white face or mask with black hole for eyes or just souless pitch black eyes or something on the stair case… Someone touching my feet when I’m a sleep or when laying in bed i imagine seeing a shadow crawling around on the floor.. I get sculed at for leaving the lights on […]
I have no more doubts about my suicide anymore. I know that it’s necessary for me to leave this world to find peace, to end this misery. I’m filling up my time to avoid suspicion or hospitalization at the moment, so I’m just working on becoming fluent in German haha.
Oh, and an update. No matter what I do, it’s not fucking good enough and everyone still hates me. So really, nothing new. I still hate myself. Nothing good enough to live for. I’m always just going to be a failure, a shadow in the dark, good for nothing hopeless freak.
Hi, guys. Bit of a long story here, will try to keep it short.
I’m Pixie, I’m 22 and I live with my fiancee, as well as severe depression.
I have been known to drink to cope with my problems in the past. It has caused problems, for which I have taken action on and done my best to cope with therapy and medication. It has helped to some degree.
However, tonight my boyfriend went out to a party he didn’t invite me to, even though the host of the party did, and came home drunk and abusive. He told me to f-off and shut up any time […]
An angel in the darkness.
A demon of the lamplight.
From shadow to shadow I lurch and I hide.
I’ve lost my identity.
I’ve lost my bearings.
I’m afraid of this beast down deep inside.
I don’t like leaving the house anymore. It’s become a chore and I hate it.
But I did leave. And I went far. Over 100 miles.
And I saw you. But you didn’t see me. I was right in front of you. You walked right passed me.
You looked right at me. You looked right through me.
I could have reached out and touched you. I could have reached out and snapped your neck.
None of you saw me. I wasn’t […]
what happens after the end?
I have been suicidal since I can remember. The only thing that has stopped me from attempting (in recent years) is the fear of what will happen after I catch the bus. What if I am successful in my endeavor, only to end up in the same position again?
I have the means. I have the will. Now I just need the courage to take my final step.
My treacherous mind lives in the hope of a new world while outside I become an insensitive monster.
The part of me that still feels shout in agony locked in a world full of bullshit waiting for the moment when we both get free. The moment of my death.
Today during lunch I ran into my mentor Mrs. S, (if you read my last post then you would know that I’m kind of hesitant to see her.) Anyways I ran up to her and hugged her tight, she wanted to see my progress report, and she saw I was failing Algebra 2, so she grabbed my hand and took me to math tutorials, an pushed me in the room, my feet were sliding across the floor. Lol. Everyone was looking at me, i tried leaving but the teachers blocked the door. After 10 minutes of arguing I sat down and Mrs. S sat there […]
Like most people here I have reached the end of my rope. My world is crashing around me and I cant hold on anymore. In the past year I have lost everything about myself. I look in the mirror and I don’t even know who the person staring back is. I have gotten so good at pretending that everything is ok and that I don’t cry when I am alone. The thoughts of suicide that use to be few and far in between have now taken a permanent residence in my head.
I saw the signs and yet I ignored them. There is no one to […]