Lately, drugs have been one of my closest friends, and still the best I have to this moment in time. I’m 16 and ever since I was 14 I’ve just wanted to commit, nothing pleases me more then the thought of ending all the pain; from passings in my family to just being lonely. I’m home alone for most of the day outside of school, and I don’t have the grades for a future. School makes me want to hurt myself, the expectations are never met, no praise is ever given. I’m over it all, over everything, I used to be obese then something clicked […]
Tag:
look
I’d like to found an organization of plain wallflower demented freaks that no one can stand to look at too long
I’ll be the president
The dictators forced me to get a haircut so that I wouldn’t look like a long-haired stoner dude. Hey, not my fault I’m tall and and shaped like a rod. Plus they took my button-down shirts
Yay, the lady chopped off my hair to my chin, so now my hair curves at the end. My grandma says it’s “cute” and “brings out the color of my eyes.”
Yay, my aunt said I look tacky and that I was just trying to piss off my conservative grandmother, and that this was for attention because I (sullenly) endured dresses when I was five.
I’m a selfish piece of shit for […]
Funny, she once said to me that I must have an incredible life. She used to listen to me when I rambled on about traveling here and traveling there – she was young and I wore the mask well. Once again I was reminded that people really don’t know – the space between us is too grand. I was a hero to her and a joke to myself – I feared that if we hung out much longer she would see that I was just roadkill. How worldly was I – my well being hung on a thread at the corner of her smile. So […]
I’ve been doing pretty good with handling my emotions lately, that was until yesterday. I could feel the depression slowly start to smother me again in it’s natural repetitious state. I managed to get through work with only one break down. I work with a bunch of men (being one myself) so I’m always having to mask my emotions and depression at work. Sometimes it’s easy, and other times it’s really hard to do. I mask my depression and emotions at work because I don’t think they would understand, and I don’t want people to either feel sorry for me, think of me differently and […]
There’s a lot of posts that go through here, so I expect that the people who read this post didn’t read my earlier one… I promised to say something if I somehow didn’t go through with my suicide. Well, long story short, my ex-girlfriend stopped me, and said to me that she ‘loves me’ and ‘cares’ about me deeply. I knew in the back of my mind that she had to say that whether it was true or not, and my gut told me it wasn’t. However, my heart needed to cling onto anything in that moment to help me survive. After going to the […]
I’m working on a story and though I’ve experienced dark days and depression I haven’t experienced the overwhelming darkness for weeks/months/years. How do I explain it in the story? What does it feel like? What does it look like? Smells? Sounds? Analogies? How do others perceive you?
aj@merlynsquill.com
They all look at me
Are they even seeing me or are they seeing what is left.
If I say no will it make a difference
No matter how many times I told him no he wouldn’t stop
Even though he hurt me I still love him
I shouldn’t
He’s my my brother.
I’m slowly dying mentally each and every day. I don’t want to be here anymore. I’ve tried so hard to look past my physical deformities and and see the “good” in people but it has gotten me nowhere. I just want to die. Today, tomorrow what the fuck ever. Days are the same. My last words before I die will be, “Fuck this place.” It’s decided, I will die of suicide. I’m a little ashamed because I promised my mom I wouldn’t.. but truthfully and honestly…. FUCK THIS PLACE!
Box of terror and fear and double-standards and self-loathing and discrimination and thumping and rejection
According to a certain book of love, you can own slaves, capture hot women and make them your wives (a.k.a rape them and call it marriage), force your wife to swallow dust to ensure fidelity (if she fails, you can kill her), tear open pregnant women’s stomachs if they don’t agree with you, burn to death a sinful man’s property (a.k.a his children)… there’s a few others.
I’m not discriminating against Christianity – there’s nothing wrong with it, nowadays. Many Christians today are pretty kind. But look at that friggin’ source content. […]
Who’s to say the way that I think is wrong?
It may be different to you, but why is different wrong?
Maybe I’m a step above you on the evolutionary tree.
Compassion is a trait commonly found in the losing side.
“Have you thought about harming anyone besides yourself?” Frequently.
“What do these thoughts consist of?” I want to know what their insides look like on the outside.
The disgust in your eyes. The way your lip curls without you even noticing.
I’m what you’d look like if you didn’t care so damned much.
don’t you dare label me
… I can’t remember them that clearly anymore.
It doesn’t mean I didn’t spend hours staring into them, but times makes all memories hazy, even the best of them.
I’d like to imagine those beautiful eyes filled with tears when you’d heard what I’d done. Maybe they would if you saw what I’ve done to myself.
The mutilation.
It was never because of you, it was in spite of you. And in truth, I got off on the pain.
Why do I torture myself and peek behind the curtain to the world you’re still in? The world that everyone is in, but I’m not anymore.
I walked out of that world, […]
7 years ago, prior to my last attempt, I, along with 9 others bared witness to an angel ascend- my angel to be precise had been battling Aids for 15 years, and although in constant pain and discomfort he took me under his wing and like a mama bird- he nurtured me, showed me the care my own mother never could.
His poor, old, tired body could take no more and so we all gathered around him at a time he chose and bid him goodbye- he had such a high tolenrance from the hundreds of medications that had kept him alive that now they hindered […]
That about sums me up I suppose. Although how I feel normally is just well below that. Holidays tend to make me feel even more melancholy, Valentines is no exception to that. Just that like many, issues with women tends to be one of my largest problems, so a day specifically shoving relationships in your face is a nice extra special twist of the knife.
I used to think pretty highly of myself. I’m tall, I was in ok shape. No adonis by any stretch of the imagination, but neither was I grossly out of shape. Bit of a tummy, but unless I have my shirt […]
i’ve had many things taken from me throughout my life…
mother/father: robbed me of safety, acceptance, and unconditional love, i never stood a chance with the two of you
molester: robbed me of a childhood, feelings of worth and value
rapists: robbed me of dignity and pride
myself: robbed me of peace and tranquility
but you… nothing compares to what you have done… you stripped me bare, consumed me body and soul only to regurgitate it back in my face with a look of disgust only to say– not what i want… you leave me crumbled, a pile of used discarded remnants of something that was at some point […]
I know this site is for people who want to kill themselves, and I know many of you would look at me in disgust, but I want to kill my father, and then kill myself. I hate my father beyond words. He is supposed to protect me, shelter me, and teach me how to be an adult. Instead, he attacks me verbally and financially every chance he get. Any attempt to fight back only makes it worse, because he’s a master manipulator and constantly works to make my entire family hate me, which they’re so close to doing. He can shit on my face and […]
I’m depressed and it’s been awhile since its been like this. I gave up cutting 3 weeks ago I just want to do it I need it I really do need it. I keep having dreams of me commiting suicide so the thoughts of that has come back. It’s not that I feel like I have to kill myself not the feeling I used to but the possibility that its the only way to stop this cycle of depression anxiety depression then okay for a while the again and again. I have some one and a moderately good future to look forward too. I just […]
I’m ok…well, sort of. I think i’ve moved on from kicking myself for ruining our relationship. Well..mentally. I can look at couples and not have an overwhelming urge to vomit. I can go outside, breathe, smile, laugh and be over all happy. What I don’t understand is the nausea and loss of appetite. It’s been forever. You’d think after a week or so, you’d start having some type of appetite. I have nothing. Every time I eat, I get really nauseous and need to sit very still for a long period of time. I then, go to the bathroom, and wait to throw up. I’m […]
In my algebra class a couple of boys and girls that you’d typically catagorize as ‘popular’ decided to bully me today. I’m not weak, and I wouldn’t ever let up that I was. I can take some taunting and not act out in any way because I feel like i’m mature enough not to. Well, one of the girls in that circle decided to attack a sensitive area of mine, the history of my family. Calling my mom a whore and making fun of our financial problems. I wont get into exact details of what she said, but let’s just say I ended up in […]
Just two days ago, my dog had to be put to sleep. As I’m typing this, I should be getting some sleep myself. It’s 1:30am, and I don’t want to, nor can’t I, sleep.
The worst part? He was my only real friend. From the moment I owned him, even to this day, I had, and still have, a grand total of zero human friends.
All my schoolmates did was one of three things: say hello once a month, ignore me, or see how far they could push me, if they could make me snap.
It must have been their favourite game: Push The Freak Until He Breaks. […]