That about sums me up I suppose. Although how I feel normally is just well below that. Holidays tend to make me feel even more melancholy, Valentines is no exception to that. Just that like many, issues with women tends to be one of my largest problems, so a day specifically shoving relationships in your face is a nice extra special twist of the knife.
I used to think pretty highly of myself. I’m tall, I was in ok shape. No adonis by any stretch of the imagination, but neither was I grossly out of shape. Bit of a tummy, but unless I have my shirt off you can’t really see it much, or at all.
I’m fairly smart, pick things up quick, I like to joke around and keep things light. But the older I get, the more I find that joking around is just trying to keep my sanity and keep people from seeing just how down I am, and have been, for the vast majority of my life (I’m pushing 40).
I used to enjoy who I was, what I had to offer… I wasn’t really trying to get any dates so not getting them didn’t matter. But when I started to actually approach women, all of them were failures. Time and time again. Eventually it started to color my outlook, even on the past. Making me second guess everything, making me doubt, making me wonder just what the hell was the issue.
That’s never changed since then. I’m no moody teenager, or fresh faced 20 year old. I don’t even lack confidence in speaking or going out. I’ve gone up to talk to women I’ve just seen to converse. I’ve had conversations with them for hours on end. I have several female friends, some who are dear friends for years. But if I’m asking one on a date? It seems like they suddenly look at me like I’m some freak. Like how DARE I suggest I could think of them like that. It doesn’t matter if I’m just deciding to go up and ask a girl out I’ve just met, or it’s a girl I’ve been talking with awhile and seem to be getting along with great. The moment it goes from “friendly conversation” to anything approaching a date? BAM! Like they hit an ejector seat out of the conversation and more of then than not, I never even hear from them again. At best, it’s a painfully awkward period where I can tell they don’t really want to talk to me anymore, but don’t want to be so rude as to just stop it completely.
I’ve even had women I’ve met online, or via friends where we were not able to meet up right away… we talked a LOT, great back and forth, awesome conversation (text, phone, IM, etc), and then we meet up…. and I might as well have dropped my pants and shit on their floor. That’s the reaction I see in their face. And of course, I never see/hear from them again after that.
It makes me feel like some subhuman thing. And it’s colored so much of my life… that’s not all of it, not by a long shot. But nothing is better. In all my life I’ve only had ONE woman that I actually had a long relationship with, and felt happy. Only to have her turn around and betray me in every possible way. No explanation, no apology, nothing. Just ignored as she moved on with her own thing after. And I have felt even more broken than usual after that, and it’s not like it was recent either… that was several years ago. But it made me not even want to be able to look at that period of my life and even be able to accept that I at least had an all too brief period of time where I didn’t have this gaping wound in my life.
Not that a relationship makes everything better… trust me, I know that. But when it’s something you want, but fail at so spectacularly for so long no matter what you do, or don’t do… it starts to gnaw at you, to eat away. And my repeated, and sometimes spectacular, failures in this regard have been eating away at me for a very long time. It’s not like I’m getting more appealing. I’m not rich, I’m not in some high profile/important job, I don’t have anything to offer except myself. But so far it seems what I have to offer doesn’t seem to really interest anyone.
I just feel like I would have to fundamentally change who I am to get something I desire in my life… but then I wouldn’t be who I am, so what would be the point?
If I could just give my life away to someone that was more deserving of it, I probably would. I’ve got next to nothing in my future that I would consider bright or worth looking forward to. I’m not going to kill myself, but it’s not because I have any hope for my life or anything. It’s just that I’d rather not put that on my friends or family. When my parents are gone, and more years have passed, then maybe. Just to put this dreary existence to an end. Because that’s all I do right now. I exist.
I don’t feel like I live. I smile, I laugh, I go through the motions. But every day comes to the same monotonous conclusion as the last. I sleep alone in my bed, I wake alone in it. I talk to people, I work, I socialize some. But it’s devoid of any real meaning. I lack a crucial ingredient to my life that seems forever beyond my grasp.
Every time I dare to hope, it’s only met with disappointment after.
4 comments
Maybe there is something about your approach that doesn’t work, or you transmit some friendliness aura that women just get. That doesn’t mean there is anything bad about you or that you are nothing special tho. Being special is not something that is measured by any palpable standards, so it’s all in the eyes of the beholder.
There is two extremes to that coin tho, guys who are instantly friend zoned before even talking a word (regardless of looks), or guys who can’t have any female friends. But even for the 2nd type, relationships do fail too. I’ve rarely had any female friends (and few girlfriends, kinda gave up on that one too) and all i can say is that you just have to find someone that fits you (or is really willing to adapt) or things just don’t work.
In the end i guess luck plays a fairly big aspect too, and sadly.. yeah, there are some of us who just aren’t that lucky.
Yeah, luck is always a part. The world is a big place, I’m pretty sure there’s someone for any and everyone. But meeting one of those people, at the right time and place in your life, and being able to recognize and pursue them? That’s a whole other story.
The world is sadly not a place looking to be fair, it’s not a Disney movie, it isn’t going to reward someone for being good. It’s just there. Bad things will happen to good people just as surely as good things will happen to bad people. It sucks, but I accepted that a long time ago.
For my approach… I can’t say. Women I know would never be open and honest with me about it. And women I don’t know wouldn’t give me the courtesy of putting themselves through a bit of discomfort to give me an honest (or any) answer.
As for being special/average, etc. It may be in the eyes of the beholder. But it’s hard to remain positive when it seems like you get beat down all the time. Heck, when I had my last (and only) really serious girlfriend… when I took her home to meet my parents, my mom took me to the side and told me, “How did someone like you wind up with a girl like that?”. With all the negative emphasis on me.
I tell ya, I just wanted to go out back and get shot right there. I can’t even relate just how soul crushingly hard a comment like that can hit, but if you, or anyone else, has had a similar experience, I’m sure you can relate.
So all I know is that my sense of self worth and approval is left with a gaping hole through it, and I never seem to be able to do more than put some flimsy tape on it now and again at best… usually with a lot of effort, and that hole just keeps getting bigger and harder to cover up as time goes on. It started to impact everything after awhile. Any success is measured against the one failure I can’t overcome. It’s frustrating as hell, and I feel like I’m at, or soon to be at, a point where even if I did manage to find someone, I may not be able to keep hold of it in a way that would let it work.
Yup, timing is really a big part of it, and even if you manage to fight the odds and find that one you never know what else might come your way afterwards. Having an honest answer from a woman might help a lot, it sucks that you’ve never had anyone honest enough regarding that (even if the answer could crush you too… been there). Not being a woman i can’t really comment on that tho, lol (maybe someone will chime in).
And yeah, i relate hugely with the special thing. I had my family partially influence my last gf, they would constantly tell her “how do you put up with him”, “you deserve a medal”, “he’s never going to amount to anything”, you get the drill. I admit i have a pretty difficult character, but i’m not satan, lol. All i gathered from that is 1. if the person you are with listens to that type of comments she really wasn’t so sure about you, 2. either defend yourself about those comments or disregard them but don’t let them get to you, 3. people that make those sort of comments have no idea of what effect they might have so they just ramble on (and it’s only outside opinions, they don’t live the situation so it’s pretty likely they are wrong).
The only other thing i can say is that the best you could do is not let others affect your self worth. You seem like an intelligent person (and sound like a good one too), so if that special one comes along eventually, i’m pretty sure you’ll make it work, regardless of what others might say about you (without even being right).
Oh, I’m VERY good and tuning out most people. But when a person gets “inside your circle” as it were it makes it much harder to just brush off. Even the general people can get to you with enough time/quantity.