Today is the day I planned on killing myself. I’ve been trying to get everything taken care of before hand but I’ve run out of time. I still have some things to do today and one I found out I can’t do until tomorrow. I won’t be able to try again until next friday, when I can drive to the location. So now, I either have to say fuck it and let my family deal with the loose ends or wait another week. I guess I’ve waited this long, another week will be okay. .Sigh.
Tag:
Loose Ends
I am putting a lot of thought into my pending exit from this world. I have what I need to do it and do it right. I have a departure statement that I am working on for mass consumption, to be posted on FB as a note with tags to a select group of people who will act as hubs for anyone else who needs to know and I have done my personal apologies where possible. I have figured out how to make sure I am found right away by the police and not some random sap that likely doesn’t need that kind of interruption […]
right now the urge to ace myself is strong. i don’t really know why. these urges come and go. for the most part i just ride them out. not now i say. time isn’t right. like there is a “right” time to die. there are things that need to be taken care of. loose ends tied up. careful consideration is called for. i have selected a few days next month. chances are those days will mean nothing. i am stubborn till the end. MY time schedule. not depression’s. so i am supposed to try being sober for x amount of days. to try to get […]
so here is my story. i have suffered from major depression for more than 30 years. i first remember being suicidal at age 9. my middle school has 3 stories and i would look out the window wondering if the fall would kill me. never tried and never told anyone about those thoughts. tried the pill and cutting thing in high school. i also drank a lot. in college my dorm was 10 stories. i lived on the second floor. thought about jumping from a 10th floor window everyday. never told anyone about those thoughts either. after being married for just a year some heavy […]
Just dying. I have really little, if anything to live for. I have a hard time imagining any accomplishment that would cause me to transcend the feeling of wanting to be dead that I’ve been experiencing for the past several months. I have done yoga. I have done meditation. I’ve taken all kinds of medication and talked about every aspect of my life. Tried to tie up loose ends in my relationships, but I am broken.
I bought all the stuff for two methods yesterday. Â It’s sitting in the car outside. Now I clean, and try to write casual loving notes to the people who will miss me. Â I don’t feel lost. . or anxious. Â I downloaded my favorite movie to watch. Â I feel calm. Â just a lot to do today, so that things are as in order as they can be. . I would love for the authorities to find me, and not someone I care about. . but haven’t figured that part out yet. Â workin on it. Â The sense of relief I feel. . knowing that I will […]