I didn’t always live in a nightmare. I didn’t always have conversations with the voice in my head. I wasn’t always watched by disembodied shadows. I didn’t always hear tortured screams and maniacal laughter or my name in empty rooms. I used to be “happyâ€. “Happy†is an illusion created to hide all the pain, madness and fear. It was never real. But I used to experience that bliss, “Ignorance is bliss,†they say. That bliss is gone. I used to smile and laugh all the time. I used to think, or be thoughtful. Before the clouds, and locks. Before the black fog that covers […]
Tag:
Madness
Red.
Red like blood.
The blood that caused the scars on my wrist.
Red.
Red like the peircing evil in the eyes if the monsters in my nightmares.
Firey red that pulses in their orbs, taunting, teasing.
Red.
Red like fury.
The madness and frustration I feel towards everything.
Red.
‘m in cage, locked inside hell,
 I was so sure, I was completed,
I went so far, but then I fell.
     As I lost it, I was defeated.
 But I try to get back up every day,
 And that’s something I won’t give away.
I’m getting back up on my feet,
 I could understand to you it’s madness,
 For me to stand, and to accept my defeat.
But this helps me, It breaks down my sadness.
 Life hurts, but you’ll be alright,
 Keep going, Keep yourself going,
Just get back […]
I was just sitting comfortably in bed watching TV and in a strangely good mood and then suddenly it all went black inside my head and all I can think now is that I want to stab myself multiple times. It’s sort of scary, really, the way I go from balanced and happy to furious and violent in seconds. I thought this sadness was going away, but it turns out it hasn’t, I’ve simply been distracted by school and a supposed social life but I’ve spent the last week at home pretty much alone. I don’t want my happiness to depend on other people or […]
Seriously?
That’s what it comes down to?
For those of you who don’t know SP chat used to be a great place to vent, find friends, even be yourself. But the tides have changed. An influx of immature Moderators and Admins has made it a living hell. No one can get along when there is always a side to be chosen. The chat was closed TWICE last night. Whatever happened to talking it out?
When the chat closes you aren’t just making the people fighting angry you make EVERYBODY angry. Â Oancu needs to learn to stop complaining all the time, and let someone else speak. Custard. STOP DEFENDING HER. […]
When I was young, I was ‘diagnosed’ as being gifted. High intelligence, learns fast. They forgot to mention the side effects. I analyse everything and everyone. I can’t stand being around people. They never say anything interesting. Meaningless discussions about the boring crap they do all day long and are planning to do. I can make almost anyone like me with the masks of sanity I put on every day. Cheerful to some, great listener to others and a serious guy to more others, everyone likes me. I have a good job and decent enough looks, by all accounts a great guy.
But noone sees […]
It’s been a while since I posted. I’ve been super busy with my new cashier job… Which makes me want to cut my arms open. I drive 40 minutes to stand in one spot for 8 hours doing the same thing over and over, making min. wage. Everything is all wrong. This life is too much. My family is in pieces, my love life is falling right behind it, I’ve lost all my friends and become addicted to drugs and shit…
They keep telling me I’m crazy and I need help so I just keep telling them to shove it. I may be crazy but I’d […]
I’m finally done. I just can’t stop the madness in my head. I tried all kids of meds. Zoloft, xanax, paxil, Prozac, etc. this list goes continues. Every shrink diagnoses me with the same thing, major depressive disorder and generalized and socialized anxiety. I think hospitalization would only out me in a worse mental state. Talking sometimes helps but mainly I can’t focus that long. Breathing exercises would be eat if I could take a deep breathe. Sure there are circumstances that depress me but there always is and always will be. It’s my own self, my own head. Nothing helps me. No one can help me. After more than 15 years, I’ve felt this way, I don’t have anymore in me. I’m not looking for sympathy or jokes or even asking the best way to go. I just needed to write it down. I do think about my family and the 2 friends that have stuck by me. I thrill of my 11 month niece that won’t know me her auntie. I don’t want anyone to find me. I will leave letters for those who meant the most and I will simply disappear for a stranger to find later.
by mlrobin
written by mlrobin
Written about a year ago, I think.
Yes, I suck quite profusely at social interaction. I am a prodigy at making a fool out of myself by saying or doing stupid things. Of course, only when it comes to personal conversations; I can work, I can manage departments, I can go shopping, I might even be able to go to the doctor’s office. Yet, if you ask me how my day went, that’s when the anxiety starts. I might answer, “Okay, I guess. How was yours?” and slowly, but surely, as the conversation progresses, I will get more and more anxious until I wind up fleeing […]
This can’t go on for much longer! I gotta bring back the voices. I gotta bring back the madness. My only protection. Live or die, they’ll figure it out!
Lost inside idk where to go
trapped with anger, lost of all hope
no finger pointing, only I who is to blame
Im shackled and caged filled FULL of rage
If I wrap this sheet around my neck
I can put water to the blaze
Satan got ahold of me, BOY is he vicious
gave up on myself, dont even care about christmas
miracles dont happen, so I accept my fate
trapped in my own mind there is no escape
razors and knives pierce thru my heart
misery filled conscience, stand alone in the dark
nowhere to run, nowhere to hide
failure hurts, I just want to die
written in summer of 2011, but just bought my charcoal grill […]
Maybe in heaven, there will be understanding.
Understanding of the motives of each and everyone.
Understanding why they feel the way they feel.
Maybe it will be more than understanding, maybe you will get a first person glimpse of what it is like to be someone else.
Connecting of each other to form a peaceful, heavenly bond.
Madness, disappointment, RAGE, hatred, disgust, FEAR, sadness, grief, humiliation, shyness, cowardliness, regret, sorrow, loneliness, Physical pain, emotional pain, stress, turmoil, suffering, HOPELESSNESS, nonsense, will be overcame.
Maybe in heaven, things will all make sense. It will all PUZZLE together.
Why there is pain.
Pain adds character. Pain breeds experience, wisdom, knowledge, meaning, bravery and resilience.
Pain makes […]
Hmm… Is this madness? I have been happy all day and suddenly I feel as if I have been stabbed in the gut with a searing hot blade, and I feel like blowing shit out of proportions.
Oh, but no, I am not a mad man. Madness would not be titled upon someone as composed as myself. I am a little ***** who hides beneath the blankets of society every time I hear the nasty growl of the beast. I cut myself to bleed. I cut myself to know that I am real. I cut myself to shed blood to show people what I am capable […]
I have thought long and hard about how to kill myself. I don’t have any reason to live I have lost everything that was important to me in a rash moment of drunken madness. My wife tells me I’m a worthless hopeless human being and I cannot go on. I have tried hanging myself.
I have a good career and respect and I am about to loose it all. In the moment of rash madness I sent what could be seen as a threatening text to a former boss. I will probably lose my job I want my life to end in the next few days.
My background:
I had started wondering about death and would habitually wish for death and say ‘never mind’ 3 times afterward. This started when I was around 10, until one day I stopped saying ‘never mind’ and decided to see what would happen.
My life has been met with intense anger, anger that caused me to once whip my mother with a PC controller wire after I smashed it off the banister when I was around 16.
I started cutting myself on Valentine’s Day 2007, senior year. I started under the notion that everyone would leave me once we graduated. They all did except one. My last friend […]
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