I was just sitting comfortably in bed watching TV and in a strangely good mood and then suddenly it all went black inside my head and all I can think now is that I want to stab myself multiple times. It’s sort of scary, really, the way I go from balanced and happy to furious and violent in seconds. I thought this sadness was going away, but it turns out it hasn’t, I’ve simply been distracted by school and a supposed social life but I’ve spent the last week at home pretty much alone. I don’t want my happiness to depend on other people or on me generally being busy. I don’t want to have to make myself busy or see anybody or anything in order to be happy, I want to be able to happily live alone and not watch myself spiral into madness when I have nothing to cling onto, I don’t want to have to cling onto anything at all. I want to be alone and happy that way. But I’m not and that frustrates me and makes me angry and more inclined to stab myself or cut myself or swallow pills or whatever.
I’ve never stabbed myself, but I have been stabbed before and it’s one of the worst feelings you can ever have, it’s hard to describe in words other than agony.