Well tomorrow is Tuesday and i have class for 13 hours. I have a quiz that I can’t study for but with the right thing i know I can ace it . Tomorrow, I will try to become independent but well see how that goes. I am trying to accept that my grades don’t really matter unless its general ed. I can’t wait to leave this school and go someplace I belong.
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matter
Have you seen Avatar? Not the cartoon but the giant blue people. No? Well, if you have time and are looking for a good movie, you should take some time to watch it. In the movie, Jake and Natiri go on an adventure and slowly being to “see” each other. It’s not a matter of having sight. It’s a matter of being able to see into someone. You can see their soul and true self and you can show an immense respect for someone because you see them. This is a notion I’ve always had. I care only for the beauty of your soul and […]
What will be re-alive
I am the Muk
Reached into the dark
A deepest, never to be
I walk because I die
To live
Is the mold beneath
Afraid to wonder
But no matter
The ground below
Maybe we’ll go
Where can we
The year of the horse
The earth, the metal
You are strong, of all
Your creation, my Gaia
My celestial Mother
Two-thousand years, and you bleed
Well, I’ve certainly thought about suicide long enough and after 3 attempts I sure know how to cross the psychological line, to push through the barrier, to take my own life. So why do it? Well, here’s why…
– Abuse as a child. Now, whilst that may kill some all on it’s own believe it or not it’s not the only reason. Just one of a long long list of abuses I’ve endured
– Cancer at age 17. Battled that for 5 years and still carry significant issues 35 years later. One doctor butchered me so bad that even other doctors asked “Who did that to you?”. […]
I really worry that nothing could be wrong with me. Unlike most people, I don’t experience typical signs of depression. I don’t feel inferior to others or feel sad all day. I just feel like there is no point to life, and therefore, I want to end it because I am going to die sooner or later, and nothing I accomplish has any inherent value. I have a generally negative outlook on life, but I also believe I am more aware of global issues than my family. My stepfather is a hotheaded, homophobic racist. My mother is quite the average see-what-I-want-to-see Christian. She’s wearing rose-tinted […]
I wonder why all the doctors and professors I’ve met told me its going to be okay. I mean, they should know better that there is no escape. This is not a passing cold.
That pisses me off. Later, after 6 months of therapy, they tell me the truth. Fucking morons. I knew that from the beginning. It doesn’t matter how much you stuff me with Prozac, it will be there.
But planning is far from actually having the balls to kick the chair.
Swallowed some Xanax, snorted some Clonex, but I’m still restrained to this life, stuck between the living and the dead. The clock strikes three and the sky never seemed darker. It’s time. I am becoming. My soul turn black, my eyes hurt and I’m raped all over. It starts with the stomach, then it goes to the throat and eventually squeezing my skull until my ears are bleeding and my eyeballs hanging outside their place.
It doesn’t matter where I am. As long as I am in my soul, like a body, I’m me, and I’ve […]
Everything has caught up to me again and I am once again obsessed with putting a bullet in my brain. I should have seen it coming – I’ve let things build up. Old ghosts, a recent death of someone once more important to me than life itself, old pain and new pain. The shit has piled up on me and I am suffocating.
I should know better. I should deal with things as they come. But I just can’t. I don’t have that much control over my own life. I am such a useless piece of crap to myself and to everyone around me. It doesn’t […]
So, I don’t know from where to begin. I can’t bear the pain in my chest. I don’t know how much of this I can take before I end up in an asylum. I’m losing it, my mind..
It’s been always this way. Nothing I can do to make you stop. I tried, I tried, I tried, I tried and I… tried. Yet, nothing seems to be working. No matter how hard I try, I’ll never impress you. I’ve been strong but.. but really how much of this pain I can handle? I wonder.
I.. who have been always the good girl. Done everything you’ve asked but […]
A family who constantly makes things worse for you. Call you harmful names that push you over the edge every night.
Friends who see what’s happening to you but never speak up. No matter how many hints you give they will never help.
Teachers who see you struggling but look the other way.
Coworkers who see your smile fading each day yet never ask questions.
Why?
In the end I know two things that are completely and utterly true; that I do not matter, and that I am not enough. All my life I have felt completely and utterly alone, and this is partly my doing. I pushed away my friends and I isolated myself because I didn’t want them to get hurt when I inevitably killed myself; and I am finding that I am once again feeling this way. I cannot take the pain anymore, and my life will never get any better if it hasn’t even marginally improved over the last eight years. I wanted […]
It was the supreme power, matrix or whatever it is called wanted me to suffer. That’s why all those escape routes I could have were brutally eliminated. I am made to loose and suffer. Family is one big cause of this mess but there were other reasons too. No matter how much I try, the supreme power will always derail it. May my life end quickly. Hopefully today. On this auspicious occasion of Ganesh Puja, a religious Hindu festival I want to finish this mess called life.
Did you know? In 900 years of time and space, I never met anybody who wasn’t important?
You count. You matter. You are unique and beautiful and brilliant. And if you forget it, I’ll remind you. How do I know? Its simple really. I’m never wrong.
So much sadness.I am going to be very quiet.I am going to be very still. If I do this I can stop trying to explain to them what the matter is,and for that matter,ANYTHING I want to talk of to them…its all no good -they do not want to know.Ive worn their love and interest right the fuck out of them .Nothing I can say about anything is of any relevance.I either go from here and wander til I find a way to live,or to die…or I lay here and die..
It seems like all of my life has been predetermined, as if my thoughts and actions are actually beyond my control. It’s like existing without really existing. It sucks because no matter what I do, I feel that I am not doing it. I sometimes feel like life is just a movie with sentience included. That’s depressing, because all of the pain that I feel is much like an illusion. Perhaps I’m not feeling pain, but I am experiencing a set of physiochemical processes taking place that make me think that I am feeling something, when ultimately, I am no more alive than a rock. […]
I’ve been miserable for as long as I can remember. I’m a fully-grown adult now and it’s followed me everywhere. My situation in life is a complete failure, socially and financially. Unemployed, birthday coming up and no prospects for anything. I am about to be evicted and have no plan whatsoever for the future. Everyone who knows me I am a burden on, and honestly I think the world would be better off without someone like me here. I’m worthless, so it wont matter if I’m not here anymore. I’ll be missed by a few, but they will be relieved when the nuisance that is […]
I’ve wondered so many times why I must feel the way Ifeel? I still have not found an answer. Every now and then I used to break down, to live in crisis, cutting myself, drinking alcohol until i passed out, taking pills to lose myself, damaging every part of me for not to feel. I understand that i may never get this feeling “out of me”, I understand that no matter what I do, what I try, I keep falling far away, pushing everyone else, and theres only one thing else to do, not to try, because trying implies that I could fail, i will […]
I feel completely hopeless, like a trapped animal in a cage who can’t break free no matter how hard he tries or how positively he thinks. I have no one close and meaningful to me, nothing to look forward to, and no reason to even try anymore. I’m so sick and tired of this frustration of going about existing. I’ll clearly never never find happiness on this planet so why am I still breathing?
So Im going to enjoy my last days….. fishing, doing things I enjoy. Fuck all else….. it doesn’t matter. I’ll do things the fuckin way I want to.
Hi, everyone. I just joined this site. I just NEED to tell someone about my feelings. I’m 15, male, and ready to die. I haven’t lived a hard life, so some might find me selfish, Whatever. I’ve been fighting my depression for four years now, I had counseling once, and I felt better for a while. But it didn’t last. I’m ugly, boring, and not always a good person outside, but hidden deep within myself is the heart of a saint. And this cold, dark world has chewed me up, spit me out, and pissed on the remains. My family is a good one, My […]