cant sleep, cant eat, when i sleep i have bad dreams about the mother of my daughter who im sure by this point is seing someone else…Or dream about myself in horrible situations,…Im so down I cant even be around the part of my family that i love without depressing them away…i wake up just needing to cry but can only dwell, and roll around in cold and hot sweats, thinking about dying or just hiding somewhere for a long long time until i can get my mind right again, my skin crawls with nerves.. i get so depressed around people that i keep getting looked at […]
Tag:
Nerves
I bought a regulator today on ebay for 70 bucks. It’s supposed to work for helium, ******** and argon. Made by Lincoln Electric. I called the welding supply a couple weeks ago, I think it’s a bit more than $100 for a smaller sized ******** tank. I’m undecided as whether to go ******** or helium, and feel somewhat lost though I am doing the research online as to how to go about this. I am pretty scared. I’ve chickened out so many other times, overdosing, trying to get my nerves up to be able to jump from a 7 story parking structure. Though after looking […]
I just woke up. Im surprised I shortly fell asleep actually. It’s now 2:1o am. I was up for 2 days to celebrate queensday (big dutch holiday). I slept for about 4 hours I guess. I started crying the minute after I woke up and found the nerves to turn around. I felt literally frozen. I guess I had a bad dream. Cant really remember. All I know is that I really want to smoke some weed. But I’m afraid of the dark (yes Im a baby) and for some reason Im too scared to even get out of bed to pee.
I really want to […]
Well I am nearly there, though it does seem that someone is trying to persuade me to stick around a little longer with some amazing opportunities just landing in my lap this week…
Today 2 years ago I made the hardest decision of my life to discontinue treatment of the person I cared for most, and allow her to die. I know it was the right thing to do, however I think of her every day, and especially now as I near graduation I just see a gap where she would have sat.
I am still of sound mind, and my decision is still logical. With the […]
I left my second marriage after my wife became so consumed by alcohol and pills that I couild not take the neglect and constant trampling of my spirit any longer. Every time something bad happened to us it was because I was a loser, yet she refused to participate in the marriage or any of the important decisions, setting me up for the blame if things dod not work out.
After leaving, I was found by my first wife, who had been the love of my life but had left me 20 years earlier for another man. She had tried to get back with me shortly […]
I’m sick and tired of putting on an act every day of my worthless life.. to my friends and family I am just a happy 20 year old guy.. inside im fucking dying, i can’t find any good in this world no matter how hard I try and I certainly wouldn’t dare express my opinions of this messed up world to my friends or family, as it would be alien.
Im living a lie and cheat myself time and time again, have fuck all motivation….I feel a hatred that nobody knows I feel… everything and everyone seems to get on my nerves. I want to leave […]
been doing some journaling lately and got an urge.
SourceURL:file:///Users/Jesse/Documents/Writing/2-24-2012
2/4/12
Well, I’m trying something I figured I’d do on the way home.
Just got back from Dr. Markowitz and again was having discussions about doing things, how I don’t wanna do things, all the negative thoughts, all the incentive not to, how I wanna die all the time, and shit like that. Since I always seem to have a little shred of positivity after I come home from him, I decided on the train home that maybe I’d try writing down my thoughts, something he has suggested and has been suggested many times before, so here I am.
Everything […]
I feel depress, I cannot sleep and the new semester starts in a day. I am thinking of dropping my classes and getting the refund. Every time, I feel slightly depress or angry, my nerves get so intense to the point where I start sharking, which is uncontrollable. I’ve been feeling frozen and empty for about three hours. I’ve done some bad things last year and I feel like I am repeating myself now that I am in communication one of my ex’s. The reason why I can not sleep because I feel like hurting myself. Whatever I say to him, he gets so angry and […]
I think I am suicidal. Â I’m not really sure, because I’m not sure of anything anymore. Â I don’t want to hurt myself or be in pain or punish myself. Â I just don’t want to feel like this anymore. Â It is getting increasingly unbearable, and I don’t know what to do.
I was almost murdered in October by gun violence (it was a very close call), and I have since been diagnosed with depression and PTSD. Â I have never been a depressed person in my life, ever. Â I just read on a website I found that PTSD can cause suicidal feelings, and I do feel a tiny […]
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