I think I am suicidal. Â I’m not really sure, because I’m not sure of anything anymore. Â I don’t want to hurt myself or be in pain or punish myself. Â I just don’t want to feel like this anymore. Â It is getting increasingly unbearable, and I don’t know what to do.
I was almost murdered in October by gun violence (it was a very close call), and I have since been diagnosed with depression and PTSD. Â I have never been a depressed person in my life, ever. Â I just read on a website I found that PTSD can cause suicidal feelings, and I do feel a tiny bit better knowing that. Â But no one told me that….not my psychiatrist or psychologist. Â I guess I have been hiding the fact that I have desires to not live any more, but I am afraid they will lock me up or something, put me in a mental hospital. Â I am already on Lexapro, which I hate. Â I know it’s helping a little, but I don’t like taking pills. Â There have been a few nights when I’ve thought about taking the whole bottle. Â I just don’t want to cause myself additional pain. Â Plus I have an 8- and 9-year-old brother and sister that I do not want to hurt. Â I can explain to all the adults in my life why I would make that choice, but there is no way to explain that to a child. Â There is one thing, a person, a friend, who I feel can help me and protect me…..he was there the night I was almost shot, so that might have something to do with it. Â But it is not possible for him to have the responsibility of caring for me. Â I am SO hard to be around and deal with right now, it’s a wonder anyone will speak to me anymore. Â I get on my own darn nerves.
My main frustration is that no one believes me, no one knows what I feel like. Â I am hesitant to talk about my feelings for many reasons. Â First of all, I don’t want anyone to mistake this as some empty cry for attention. Â Second, when I talk about my feelings, it never helps. Â I feel like I have been making reasonable efforts to let the people who love me know that I am not doing okay. Â And that’s what everyone says…..”You’re fine, hang in there, stiff upper lip.” Â You gotta be kidding me. Â I completely understand that there is no way that someone who doesn’t feel like this could know what this feels like. Â I didn’t know what suicidal thoughts felt like until recently. Â But I fall deeper and deeper into despair every time I reach out and no one can help me. Â I am begging for help, and no one is listening. Â I am starting to cry out louder, and I really hope the last person I trust and think can help me will hear me. Â But I’m scared to death that my cries will again fall on deaf ears. Â And then I am logically left with little choice. Â Does anyone understand that people who are suicidal really and truly think it makes sense? Â Does anyone understand?
Whew….I can’t write any more. Â This did help a bit, I’m okay tonight. Â It wasn’t gonna happen tonight anyway, I’m not totally there yet. Â I’m just getting closer and closer, and I’m scared. Â I’m asking for help….I’m trying to tell someone…..no one seems to be listening. Â I feel like I’m in the Matrix or something. Â Everyone is living this blissfully ignorant reality, the one that I used to live, and my eyes have been opened to reality now. Â This life is meaningless. Â I’m not sure any more if there’s a God. Â My false but functional fairy tale has been stripped from me, and there is not one person who can help me. Â I even called my psychiatrist today, and I felt like a bother, a pest. Â That’s fine, totally fine. Â No one is obligated to help me. Â But if I cannot get help, why do I have to feel bad and go through pain to help myself, you know? Â I am just extremely tired, hanging by a thread. Â Food has no taste now. Â Isn’t that weird? Â I am endlessly irritable, and I get in fights with my friends. Â But I can’t really tell if they are wrong or I am wrong. Â I’m so lonely, but I can’t be around people. Â Today I decided that I would stop speaking for one week, in an effort to listen to what others have to say, and it caused a fight with a friend.
I am a mess. Â Can someone please tell me that this is not all in my head? Â Please? Â I need someone to acknowledge that this is real, even if it’s only real to me. Â And stop telling me it’s okay. Â It’s not okay. Â This is not okay. Â It will not be okay unless my reality changes. Â Not my situation, not my circumstances. Â This is my new reality, my truth, that life is no longer valuable, I’ve been duped my whole life, and I’m wasting my time if I continue on. Â You can’t just tell someone what they believe isn’t true. Â It’s not that easy at all. Â I cannot convince someone that the blue sky is purple. Â It doesn’t work like that. Â Any now I’m getting frustrated again….I gotta quit.