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Losing touch and scared

by littlebluesuns

I think I am suicidal.  I’m not really sure, because I’m not sure of anything anymore.  I don’t want to hurt myself or be in pain or punish myself.  I just don’t want to feel like this anymore.  It is getting increasingly unbearable, and I don’t know what to do.

I was almost murdered in October by gun violence (it was a very close call), and I have since been diagnosed with depression and PTSD.  I have never been a depressed person in my life, ever.  I just read on a website I found that PTSD can cause suicidal feelings, and I do feel a tiny bit better knowing that.  But no one told me that….not my psychiatrist or psychologist.  I guess I have been hiding the fact that I have desires to not live any more, but I am afraid they will lock me up or something, put me in a mental hospital.  I am already on Lexapro, which I hate.  I know it’s helping a little, but I don’t like taking pills.  There have been a few nights when I’ve thought about taking the whole bottle.  I just don’t want to cause myself additional pain.  Plus I have an 8- and 9-year-old brother and sister that I do not want to hurt.  I can explain to all the adults in my life why I would make that choice, but there is no way to explain that to a child.  There is one thing, a person, a friend, who I feel can help me and protect me…..he was there the night I was almost shot, so that might have something to do with it.  But it is not possible for him to have the responsibility of caring for me.  I am SO hard to be around and deal with right now, it’s a wonder anyone will speak to me anymore.  I get on my own darn nerves.

My main frustration is that no one believes me, no one knows what I feel like.  I am hesitant to talk about my feelings for many reasons.  First of all, I don’t want anyone to mistake this as some empty cry for attention.  Second, when I talk about my feelings, it never helps.  I feel like I have been making reasonable efforts to let the people who love me know that I am not doing okay.  And that’s what everyone says…..”You’re fine, hang in there, stiff upper lip.”  You gotta be kidding me.  I completely understand that there is no way that someone who doesn’t feel like this could know what this feels like.  I didn’t know what suicidal thoughts felt like until recently.  But I fall deeper and deeper into despair every time I reach out and no one can help me.  I am begging for help, and no one is listening.  I am starting to cry out louder, and I really hope the last person I trust and think can help me will hear me.  But I’m scared to death that my cries will again fall on deaf ears.  And then I am logically left with little choice.  Does anyone understand that people who are suicidal really and truly think it makes sense?  Does anyone understand?

Whew….I can’t write any more.  This did help a bit, I’m okay tonight.  It wasn’t gonna happen tonight anyway, I’m not totally there yet.  I’m just getting closer and closer, and I’m scared.  I’m asking for help….I’m trying to tell someone…..no one seems to be listening.  I feel like I’m in the Matrix or something.  Everyone is living this blissfully ignorant reality, the one that I used to live, and my eyes have been opened to reality now.  This life is meaningless.  I’m not sure any more if there’s a God.  My false but functional fairy tale has been stripped from me, and there is not one person who can help me.  I even called my psychiatrist today, and I felt like a bother, a pest.  That’s fine, totally fine.  No one is obligated to help me.  But if I cannot get help, why do I have to feel bad and go through pain to help myself, you know?  I am just extremely tired, hanging by a thread.  Food has no taste now.  Isn’t that weird?  I am endlessly irritable, and I get in fights with my friends.  But I can’t really tell if they are wrong or I am wrong.  I’m so lonely, but I can’t be around people.  Today I decided that I would stop speaking for one week, in an effort to listen to what others have to say, and it caused a fight with a friend.

I am a mess.  Can someone please tell me that this is not all in my head?  Please?  I need someone to acknowledge that this is real, even if it’s only real to me.  And stop telling me it’s okay.  It’s not okay.  This is not okay.  It will not be okay unless my reality changes.  Not my situation, not my circumstances.  This is my new reality, my truth, that life is no longer valuable, I’ve been duped my whole life, and I’m wasting my time if I continue on.  You can’t just tell someone what they believe isn’t true.  It’s not that easy at all.  I cannot convince someone that the blue sky is purple.  It doesn’t work like that.  Any now I’m getting frustrated again….I gotta quit.

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5 comments

Lilian 4/9/2009 - 8:48 am

Yes, you are scared, but it it doesn’t seem like you are losing touch. You care for your little brother and sister, and that proves that your capability of loving is there and still good functioning. This capability of true love, i.e. the capability of actively working for the well being of someone else, is the benchmark of our mental health. You are safe, you haven’t lost touch. You can also think well and have empathy, i.e. you can step into your siblings’ shoes. You are right, your suicide would devastate them. It were also a pity for your young life, you are a bright and sensitive young person and you deserve better.
Traumatic events change somehow our personality for ever. If you are trying to go back to be the same person you were before, you are probably on the wrong way. You have changed, and you have to make acquaintaince with your new self. Usually changes take place gradually and we do not notice it. It is the same for the body, changing and growing from childhood into adulthood. What if it happened all in a day? I think we’d no more recognize ourselves and get mad. Thus, after a traumatic event you enter a new stage of your life. You can even be a better person than before, with new insights, more understanding for other people and life, etc. But first your feelings have to settle down and you have to adjust. The traumatic experience may have changed your way of thinking, your ideals, values, beliefs, aims of life, etc. and you have to acknowledge that and rebuild it all into a harmonic whole. A good counselor is of great help, if you think that the one you have been seeing is not the right one, try to find another good professional. You don’t say how long you have been on medication and psychotherapy. Since October? In this case, it is almost sechs months and if you don’t feel better you might try a change. If you want to tell me some more about you in real time, my mail is nocheingast@aol.com and I’ll do my best to be a good listener. I am rather old and mother of three children. I have suffered a lot.

helper 4/10/2009 - 12:24 am

I know this is tough i’ve dealt with PTSD, and i’ve been through these sort of thoughts. they really suck. And really you should talk to ur doc, when i took meds they didn’t help one bit, in fact they made it worse. Listen to me, the people you love that love you only want you to feel better, so really tell them your not ok, if they don’t believe you sit on the floor scream until they listen talk to someone at school tell your doc anything until someone listens to you! Good Luck!
helper

drukdeur 4/10/2009 - 6:32 am

Hi Losing touch and scared

Firstly, you are not mad nor in need of locking up! What you are experiencing is the very real effects of PTSD. You are in deep pain, and that pain is causing you to feel what you have been feeling.

Let me start with my story: When I was sixteen, my family was involved in the anti-apartheid movement in South Africa. One day, my parents and a couple of other parents got threatening calls from apartheid forces that they would target their kids if they did not stop their anti-apartheid protests. A couple of days later, gunmen raided my school and three kids from anti-apartheid parents were killed – one of them I knew. I managed to escape when I heard the shootings, and ran to my aunt’s place near the school and hid under the bed for the whole day. I knew I could have been one of them.

For one-and-a-half years after that, I pretty much went numb, and felt that nothing mattered. I had similar physical effects – no real interest in food / exercise – I lost about 20 pounds. We moved from the city into exile in a small town, and I went to school there after homeschooling for about a year. The adjustment was horrible. Luckily, I met a priest who was also a psychologist, and he helped me through that time, but it took a long time (I made a suicide attempt a long the way, as well as problems with alcohol and weed). Still today, when I go the memorial of the three kids, I breakdown, especially when I see the birthdate of my friend – since he was born in the same month and year as me. I always think how it could have been me, and feel guilty.

Now back to you: Firstly, if I were to say everything would be OK, I would be lying. But I can say this: if you choose to work at this, it gets better. The first thing to realise is that your old “functional fairy tale” is not true anymore, and will never return. However, your current reality, where your life is not valuable and you feel duped that the world is good, while it feels so real now, is not the true picture. Instead, the world contains both good and evil, black and white, darkness and light. Your life from now on will be filled with both joy and pain – both will be real. While it feels only pain now, joy will slowly increase.

I recently went to Bali. Every statue of a god is covered with a cloth that is a checkered pattern of black and white to remind us of both in the world. In the Christian tradition of Easter, we have both the cross and its suffering, and the resurection and its happiness. Every religion has both elements, as they reflect the reality of the world.

If you had been physically injured in the tragic event, you would not have thought twice about seeing a medical professional, perhaps going to hospital for a while, maybe having to go through a long programme of physical rehabilitation to get right. You might also have had permanent scars to deal with, and you would have tried your best to ensure those scars impact your life in the least way possible, though you would have to learn to live with them.

It is exactly the same with emotional pain caused by a tragic event, though Western society attaches a stigma to mental health issues, and you don’t get as much support . You need to approach this issue as you would approach any health issue: I would talk to your psychiatrist about the numbness, what you don’t like about Lexapro, and most importantly about your suicidal feelings. Your psychiatrist may suggest you go to hospital, and I would urge you to go since you need to do all you can to get as emotionally healthy again.

I’ve been in a psychiatric institution on two occasions. While no-one likes being in hospital, I was very grateful for the time spent there. A hospital is very containing, and you always have someone to talk to. You will also likely meet people going through similar things. If you admit yourself with your psychiatrist, you will most likely be placed in a low care ward, which means you will have a lot of freedom of movement as long as you are co-operative on your medication and therapy. I found in my stay in hospital I could get the right medication and the right dosage, something that I found hard to do out of hospital. It helps that nurses and doctors monitor all the effects of your medication, and find the ones that work for you.

Please don’t attempt suicide though – it is not the most effective way to deal with the pain. The statistics on successful first attempts show that nineteen of every twenty attempts are not successful. So you have a good chance of surviving a suicide attempt. If you survive a suicide attempt, you will most likely wake up in a high care facility, where most of your freedoms are taken away. You won’t be able to take a shit without someone making sure you don’t try and drown yourself in the toilet bowl! I know, I’ve been there. You will also have to deal with every one’s anger, disappointment and mistrust of you, and you will have to work at repairing that along with all your other problems.

I hope I’ve been of some help to you. If you want to chat further, you can email me at drukdeur@live.co.za

trying to recover 4/10/2009 - 11:59 am

hay get this
Suicidal tendencies are a common phenomena. They can have different causes. Often suicidal people have the impression that nobody cares about them. They are looking for more attention. They may even blackmail people by announcing to commit suicide if they will not do what they are asked to do.
i just found this on the web. i persanly think its bs. wan i was 6 i was told i ackeded out becaus i ewanted attention but relly i just wanted someone to shut up and listian. now im 15 and suasidel. i just want to be left alone. if you need sombody to rant to my e-mail is jinxed.love@yahoo.com

MyChoice 6/7/2010 - 1:16 pm

“…I feel like I’m in the Matrix or something. Everyone is living this blissfully ignorant reality, the one that I used to live, and my eyes have been opened to reality now. This life is meaningless…”

wow… so true.

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