Everyone falls asleep at night around me and I’m left alone in the dark with my thoughts and the sound of the traffic outside. Sometimes I wonder what the lives of the people in the cars outside are like. Not sleeping gives you so much time to think.
I’ve come to hate the daylight. As much as I hate loneliness, being alone in the dark late at night feels so much more secure. I guess that is the time when people can’t mess with me as much – they’re all off in their dreams and resting. I don’t sleep much anymore anyway; except sometimes during the day when it serves the purpose of keeping the rest of the world away from me.
It’s a bad thing to do I know. Isolation feeds depression and anxiety, but I know myself well enough to know that I won’t always choose what’s right just because I know […]
This is my second post on here…. I don’t know how often I will post but I see this an outlet for me. I feel like I don’t have to hold it all in anymore….
Anyway, I have tried to kill myself with pills and alcohol but it didn’t do anything. The feeling you get afterwards just lingered all for a few day. My speech was a little slurred and I couldn’t walk straight but eventually the feeling went away. The feeling of wanting to die or wanting to live varies from day to day. Some days I feel like I got this and others I […]
I’m not really a touchy feely kind of guy but since she left I feel as I can’t continue. I’ve got 96 pills and two bottles of wine. I feel bad about doing it at my mothers but there’s really no other option. Gave the house to my ex. The last ten months and three weeks have been torture. I’ve only survived that long because of my son but I can’t do it any more. Imagine what it feels like to want to die but having to push on, I can’t go on any longer. I went to the doctors today. They told me to […]
I left my husband for love. We had been together almost a decade and he provided me a nice home and new cars, anything I needed and worked hard to do so. We had a two year old son when I left for another man. This man was charming and loving, came home every night and seemed to put me first. I guess I deserve the nightmare of marriage we’ve had for the last 5 years. He’s left me three times, twice at Christmas for two weeks and another time for two months because he was arrested for hitting me. He broke the no contact […]
Reminder that no one really cares about suicidal people these days. Why? Because no one takes them seriously. Why? Because if a mental condition is in your head, no one can see it and people have to take your word that it’s there. The perfect plan for attention whores, most frequently on this site. So I see 50 posts a night about killing yourselves and rarely does anyone do it. They come back saying “My attempt failed.” But honestly, it’s easy to kill yourself. I understand that it’s not always a hit and win, but still, the success rate has to be much higher than […]
Now, I’ve said a lot about how much I hate myself and want to die, but I haven’t really gone into who exactly I am as a person that makes me hate myself. Here I’ll go into detail about the things that make me despise who I am as a person.
I didn’t have a shred of hatred for myself until I was about 10. This was where certain things in my life began to shape me into the self-loathing person I am today.
It started when a close friend my Grandmother had at the time crawled into my bed as I was sleeping one night, put […]
I am a hopeless romantic. I see so much beauty in the world, in so many things. I can’t enjoy most of it, but I can see it’s there. One example that may seem a bit odd is jumping off the Golden Gate Bridge. As a jumper in the USA that is the dream. It’s just so perfect. So many people before have done it, and so many more have failed at it. The idea of all of those success’s waiting for you at the bottom. A mere 220 feet to join them. The thought of it is so peaceful. The problem is location. It’s […]
Helping other people cope with their problems for ages but when it comes to me, they’re never there. I’m a happy person. No I’m not. I don’t know what I am but all I know is that I need help. I can’t go on when I’m this alone. I’ve been strong for too long and now I’m trapped. The happy girl during the day, but crying myself to sleep at night. I just need help… I’m sick of this. I want to go back to being helpful, but when I’m breaking I can’t even stop someone from feeling down? I only want to be happy […]
Coming up on that date, August 30th, that night last year when I should have (and maybe actually did) die.
I still go back there often not to remember that night but for other reasons unrelated.
So what has happened in a year? I believe I am here for a reason. I found out some people care, some don’t. Overall, I could still be happy leaving this world,, although I have found someone to love, and someone I know loves me, which makes things different in a […]
I feel like I’m literally the worst person in the world. I look at myself each day in the mirror and resist the urge to punch my reflection into a bunch of tiny pieces. Nobody really cares about me. I guess I don’t really care about them, either. But that’s not true, because if I didn’t give a damn about anyone, I’d be dead right now. I’d be able to do this, and never have to worry about anything ever again.
I’m mean to others. I told my ex-Boyfriend that I hoped his mother, who is suffering from cancer, would die an agonizing death from it. […]
So I’m 19…and supposedly a girl who has the world going for me. I’m “pretty” and smart and everyone loves me.
So they tell me. When I was 11, my mom abandoned me to a city who devoured me like the storm devours ships. I was gangraped nightly, used, abused, beaten…..starved, and tied to a bed for days at a time.
I’ve suffered losing everyone close to me, either being left or God takes them from me.
I found a guy that loved me for everything I was….and man I feel hard. And I was doing okay….until May 2nd, 2014 when I lost my daughter, Dylan Michelle…at 6:30 […]
I stand alone
A group of laughing people to my right
I stand alone
The rushing cars passing me to my left
I stand alone
The cold chill of the winter breeze blowing through my hair
I stand alone
In visioning myself some place else
I stand alone
As the dark clouds begin to loom lower
I stand alone
As the moon begins to rise in the night sky
I stand alone
Until it’s time to go back home
I sleep alone
Dreading the next day of which I’ll once again stand alone
A cycle that will never end
Moon on the sea,
Please dance with me.
Just started to rise,
Seeing the prize.
Moon big white ball,
I follow your call.
Waves in the night,
Spirit take flight.
Stars up above,
Feeling your love.
Spirit at peace,
Pain will release.
For me, the 80’s had a scent. Kinda like the plastic flower section of an old Walmart, the Walmart’s that closed at night time (usually 10pm).
I’ve been watching the television program “The Golden Girls” a lot lately and I swear I can smell that plastic flower smell while I’m watching!!!
…..the yarn at the old Walmart’s had a smell to!!!!
Ohhh And “ALF”, man I loved ALF!!!
It’s a shame television can’t be good again!!!!
Erm, just one more thing. I have yet to figure out how Dark Horse Brewing (The new program on the History Channel that has nothing to do with […]
Ihave been asked by a number of people why I am making my exit.
heres why, and the names have been changed
My partner and I met in Mid 1999 and lived on a small cul de sac in a small northern UK from June 99 to November 2011.
This accusation came to light in June 2013.
We became friends with a family where we used to live. Mum (Angela) Father (Peter) Son (Robert 9 yrs old) along with an older brother (Michael) and younger one (Elliot) in 2006
Damien (my partner) and I have always preferred to keep our own counsel, and whilst we were on […]
I’ve wondered so many times why I must feel the way Ifeel? I still have not found an answer. Every now and then I used to break down, to live in crisis, cutting myself, drinking alcohol until i passed out, taking pills to lose myself, damaging every part of me for not to feel. I understand that i may never get this feeling “out of me”, I understand that no matter what I do, what I try, I keep falling far away, pushing everyone else, and theres only one thing else to do, not to try, because trying implies that I could fail, i will […]
It started three weeks ago when I saw my cousin.I never understood why my ex would have panic attacks until I myself I had one that day.I just started breathing uncontrollably & I started hiding my face everytime I was around I was just trying to get as far away from him as possible.Anyways I cut that night.I started hiding my cuts & I was home alone so I took the armband off.The door bell rings & It’s my friend.I go outside & I see his eyes lock down looking down & In my head I’m like what’s he looking at so hard then I […]
I woke up this morning not long ago and decided to head to SP to see today’s posts. I noticed I had a fair amount of responses to my post last night. As I was reading them, a couple of users were talking about a topic that made me stop dead in my tracks and literally say ‘wow’. I feel everyone should take a look at this and give me there thoughts, because I really wish I had the answers.
” I’ve noticed one thing…a whole lot of awareness. Too much, I think. And intelligence. And thoughtfulness. A lot of very smart, sad, interesting, hyper-aware people. […]
I look back to 10 years ago… 10 years!? Has it really been that long!?… I wish I could be 22 again & go out clubbing every night getting wasted & lost dancing to Techno at the trendiest “gay” club, without a care. Just to be happy in that moment. Not caring if guys or gals hit on me, as long as they bought me drinks or smokes! Oh those were the days…
But now, it is no longer considered ‘appropriate’ for a 32yr old to go out & be drunk. Not that I can drink or smoke anymore. No, some bad choices in relationships have […]