What is the way out?

I left my husband for love. We had been together almost a decade and he provided me a nice home and new cars, anything I needed and worked hard to do so. We had a two year old son when I left for another man. This man was charming and loving, came home every night and seemed to put me first. I guess I deserve the nightmare of marriage we’ve had for the last 5 years. He’s left me three times, twice at Christmas for two weeks and another time for two months because he was arrested for hitting me. He broke the no contact order and convinced me that he would start treating me better and I shouldn’t testify. That was the worst mistake. He has only treated me worse. How do I go on knowing the hate for me that he has just under the surface at any given moment? I traded a man who was never home or affectionate because he was working hard for our family for a nightmare of psychological warfare against me and my now 7 year old. My credit is ruined. He won’t let me get a job because we have an 11 month old. I need a divorce but I’m too scared. He has a job but he’s always late from staying up all night playing video games. He makes me hate myself. He takes out his bad day at work on me and our kids daily. He cuts me down and blames all of our problems on me. Then after treating me like shit and making me cry, he takes our baby from me and acts like I’m not same enough to care for him. If I had a strong enough rope I would hang myself. If there weren’t trigger locks on all of our guns I would shoot myself. I’m stuck here in hell on earth. I need the strength to pack up and go but I’m afraid of what he will do to me because he threatens me every time I say I want to leave him. Help me