I can’t tell people how I feel because of a misguided sense of how they perceive me and because the words that I have, as extensive as my vocabulary is, aren’t up to the task of adequately conveying the feelings I have or the impact they have on me. I am depressed, a condition which has sat in the background of my mind for a great many years and pervades the darkest corners of my conscious and subconscious thought. Why that is and where it comes from is a matter for discussion by people that have given themselves more education into the workings of the […]
Why do those who live in the war of staying strong continue to fight if the battle is never ending? Why must you go through so much pain in order to deserve a shred of happiness? Does it end? Is what they say true, that after so long, the striking pain eases? And why do I and so many others, use physical pain to fight off the mental pain? It only helps temporarily, but still, any help is worth my time. Can we just stop all the sadness and live a life of bliss and peace? Or is that too selfish to ask? Why do […]
I posted last week about repeatedly falling out of bed a few days earlier and ending up in the E.R. with respiratory failure from some type of Pneumonia. Fucked as my luck runs a few days later I was released to home care and cleared to go back to work. Of course I am far weaker than before the incident and my usual level of physical pain is now at least twice as intense as it was before.
I could barely do my job as it was. It takes me nearly two hours to get out of bed and dress for work – God only knows […]
Im sick of this pain after school ends i’m gone i’m finally going to do it… my body is deteriorating from not eating from the 7 ibuprofen i take when i get home from school and when people try and don’t you dare say its selfish i’ve tried and tried to make people listen but they all ignore me i’d rather be dead than to deal with this pain…I’m tired of the pain I can’t handle it anymore I’m sorry but this is goodbye
It’s almost 2AM. I’m in my room alone. Crying my eyes out wanting to die. I haven’t felt this way in over a month. I look at my scars and notice them fading. Why are they leaving me I don’t want to see them go. They’re such a big part of me, I swear they’re my closest friends. I’ve tried everything to clear my mind, but nothing seems to work. I’ve tried snapping a a rubber band, I’ve tried drawing a butterfly,I’ve tried all I can think. I don’t know what wrong with my mind. all I know is that it’s back. The urge to […]
To be honest with you, I don’t remember the first time I did it. I never really cut at first.. It was more like scratching. I used to get my key and scratch my arm with it. It hurt… That was all I wanted at the time. That began over a year ago.
Why did I do it, you may ask..? Well I felt so helpless, I had no control over anything in my life and I thought that it would help, but it was more than that too! I felt numb. Nothing made me feel anything, but when I scratched myself, I felt pain… And […]
It’s hard for me to even type this out, to be honest. I’m a very private person, one who rarely lets people in on the darker aspects of my life.
All my life, I have felt worthless, pathetic, weak. People have abused, violated, and abandoned me without any regard. And I let them because I am too weak to do anything about it or unable to.
Suicide crosses my mind at least nine times every week. It infests my mind when I’m not even paying attention and always makes sure to make its presence loud and clear when my situations are bleak. My chest constantly feels heavy except […]
Now I lay me down to sleep
I pray my life and soul you keep,
please take it now so I don’t wake
to live a day of pain and hate.
My future life is just to bleak so please, I beg you, let me sleep.
My end will mean I will not cry, my end will mean I do not weep. My pain and fear will only cease. If you will only let me sleep.
I pray to any God that answers me and brings me finaly rest and peace.
Please.
my best friend sent me this last night….
Wrists that are o so pearly and white,
they urk me with temptations to end this life.
Blades of silver and wrists of white,
bring me no pain as i return home tonight.
Quick to pass judgement and quick to fight,
one more cut should do just fine……
One line for the hurtfull things you said,
never again will i hear them in my head…….
Two lines for the times you brought me pain,
one more cut and ill end this game…….
Three lines and I start to go blind,
as blood red crimsen starts to rush out of my lines,
I have two last words before I die i […]
I don’t want to die, I just want to get rid of all this pain. I miss being happy.
So close to cut myself again
But I still can’t do anything
There is just so much pain
I still want to do something
I’m scared of every day
my brain can’t stop thinking
I just want to stay
But I’m leaving
I need help
I’m too young to die
I really need help
And all I can do is cry
I’ve been taking 10 advils (ibuprofen) 200 mg each every day and i have no idea why.
I’ve been telling myself that it’s because i like the pain but i know that’s not true
Maybe it’s because it will probably end up killing me. I always wanted to know what it would be like to die
I can’t rest, my mind in total chaos. My emotions are doing what they do best, running a muck through my veins flowing to my heart choking me with every thought. I am lost unable to process my thoughts. My voice is gone, I’m choking am I alive? My thoughts wrapped around my throat. As my thoughts continue to flow, the choking keeps growing. My heart beat it’s slowing, my body emotionally dying….
So I started to become chronically depressed which only worsened as I aged. I believe it started when I was 8. Parents are selfish with terrible emotional and self esteem issues who should never have had the right to conceive. To summarize; Mom is a few wire-crosses short of self-combustion. Ego driven, superficial maniac that is incredibly angry and would just scream, scream, scream 24 hours a day. In any other previous time period she would have been taken out back behind the barn and put out of her misery like a rabid dog. Dad has some self-esteem issues, and would basically put me down […]
my soul is broken. I’m so lost. The voices inside my head won’t rest. My tears shed like rain. The storm is wild and cannot be contained. My heart is full of so much pain. I want it all to end. My life is worthless, I am worthless. God why did you create me? Why am I here? Everyday I hope and pray to be taken from this world. 4 suicide attempts all failed. I can’t even kill myself right. My last wish is to leave this world in peace no pain. I’ve had enough, I’m choking on my thoughts. I am lost!!! Help someone […]
Have you ever felt so much pain from all your hurtful past events that you break down crying? But then there just one event in particular that makes your skin crawl, even the thought of it makes you wanna fall apart right then and there…..You feel like you wanna break down and cry….But nothing comes out, so you sit there completely numb to the world around you, just being consumed by your own thoughts….Constantly asking yourself “Why?”…..Then everything just crashes down before your eyes…….and after a while……you just give in and wait for death…..Know the feeling?
~.Andi.~
I’m still alive. Miracle I can do what I do and function. This is pure pain, and we don’t sleep forever when we die. I’m scared.
I hate my arms. I’m covered in scars. I smile and pretend I’m totally fine, I laugh and I joke. Among my friends I’m the one who cheers them up, gives the best advice, makes them laugh. Do they genuinely feel close to me? I don’t feel close to them. I don’t really feel close to anyone. I can’t let people in.
I was doing a good job of it recently, I was opening up. Light was shining a little in my life. Just a teeny bit. I pined for years. I pined and I pined and I pined. Finally last year I realized my pining […]
Me? Yeah i’m fine. If you consider a feeling like this “fine” a pain that is so dreadful crying doesn’t seem sad enough, a pain that makes your whole body shake, one that feels like its ripped half of your insides out, it makes you numb to the world, you feel as though nothing in this world is worth living i never knew a pain could be so unbearable, I mean i can stand most pain, but this…this is just horrible…I feel so alone all the time… I just want to be heard is all, but no one gives me that chance…and sometimes to […]
This is my depression story. The following is a shortened version of my journals. I was 13 years old when I wrote them.
Journal 2013
On march 2, 2013 I decided to “get better” I don’t know hep else to put it xD
on March 3rd, 2013 I told my mum about the (kinda) cutting but not the suicidal thoughts
4th of March: “I am not happy nor sad right now, I feel almost detached from everything” “I am happy for Nicole (she was my best friend in 7-8th grade) but it feels like everyone is moving on while I’m left behind…I feel invisible, a […]