I just realized I never really introduced myself. I am ‘bones. A teenage girl who was born with a sense of duty. The model child. People thought I was wierd. Mature for my age. People still think that. As far as a reason for being depressed, it is mostly a control issue. My family expects and demands perfection, and controlling me is like an insurance to them. “If she doesn’t have room to mess up, she won’t. But if she still does, lets completely restrict her!” As a way of claiming something for myself, I became addicted to not eating and to over-exercising. After the […]
Good morning – I have been lurking for a couple of months and decided to come out into daylight today (blink blink). Things are not going great for me right now and I thought talking about it might help me figure out what I’m doing.
I am a 46 year old professional female (too old to be feeling this way?) and have been pretty lucky in my life, work-wise. The rest of my life is and has always been kind of a disaster. I have been diagnosed with borderline personality disorder and refractory depression. Fits. Growing up, I was sexually abused from the time I was […]
Oh, and I’m passing for a boy now, as long as I don’t open my mouth. Fuck yeah. My brother’s friends call me Matt. Fuck yeah.
I finished my research paper.
I talked to a counselor about a LGBT support group.
I took my pill today.
My grandma hasn’t called up yet to drag my ass back to her house to rot in a pious censored environment.
For the first time in 14 years on this cracked polluted smelly grey earth, I’m myself.
If you think about it, everything on this earth is essentially shit, or at least some form of shit.
FUCK YEAH. SHOUT IT. 4 more years and I’m free […]
i never thought the day would come that oomf wouldn’t love me anymore. It’s hard every night knowing that yeah yall go together , but they still do everything that makes you mad. They don’t care anymore to see what’s wrong with you, even if you do tell them they’re not gonna listen. Suicide is the best way to stop the pain, right?
Last day tomorrow.
Going to go for a walk in the morning, maybe take the dog out.
I’ll get my haircut. I feel all unkempt.
Might have a shave, might not. Only shaved a couple of days ago.
I’m just going to spend the afternoon sitting in the garden, staring at the sky.
Even if the heavens open, I’ll be out there.
Like some lonely sentry, guarding his post to the last man.
I think about how far I’ve come in the past two years.
And I realize I’m right back where I started.
Fuck.
I give up ! There’s no hope anymore, everything I do is futile and I’m too lonely. Life keeps playing tricks on me; I would be fine one morning, then, almost out of nowhere, I wake-up to something terrible, and I’ll be sitting there wondering why it happened.
I’ve had enough. I don’t know what the end will be; I think it may be suicide; cutting myself looks so good right now, I had resisted doing it for a long-time.
I’m so sick of people, I’m sick of my self, I’m bored of life.
If you’re out there, God, just kill me already you fucking prick…At least make […]
you kno what .. you wanna know what really fuckn sucks is when you think you can trust someone but they backstab you .. are you fuckn serious right now .. i guess this is gods way of showing me who i need in my life and who i dont ..
fuck friendship fuck love bc i get hurt in the end anyways
Suicidal: deeply unhappy or depressed and likely to commit suicide. Is that the way I feel? Yes
Do I think about it every day? Yes
Do I dream about it? Yes
Do I want to do it? Yes
Yet I still think there should be a different word. I think about it all the time, jumping in front of cars, off trains, suicide by cop, slitting my wrist, taking pills again, but something isn’t right. I can’t get it right. I just want to go to sleep and never wake up. Is that still suicidal? I don’t want to die, I just want to not live.
I feel stupid. Maybe this whole being intelligent thing isn’t for me. Everyone in my family is smart, so that means there is a chance I am just stupid right? Maybe if parents understood how depressed I feel than they wouldn’t say these things to me, like “don’t you understand college will be 10x harder, or why are you taking those classes you’re never going to do well in them”. I think the real problem is I carry more on my shoulders than they think, so they should just back of. If they weren’t so on top of me, and making me feel like sh*t […]
I’m sat in my room right now just singing out loud and it takes me back to every time someone has caught me doing this.
When I’m gone I hope you all think back to these moments
My sister’s reaction would be to turn her music up louder than me.
My brother would complain about wailing cats.
There we those two friends who’d come in and sing with me.
Or the one who’d just smile and dance along.
And the one who wanted to jam and mash up my song with his.
And sure, some would complain and tell me to shut up.
But there were those who’d let me finish and then […]
As a child I was weird. I grew up thinking that the world was as nice as the sunny Sundays I spent in my mother’s arms when I was a kid. When I got into socializing, at the age of 5 or 6, I started
I lye in bed and stare up at the ceiling as the weight of every mistake I’ve ever made comes to rest on my chest. Right now, I can’t breathe. I feel like I’m drowning. I miss people that I should just forget. I forget the people that I should have clung to. My heart breaks as I think about all of the things I’ve let go of simply because I thought I could do better. Now I’m here in the grave that I’ve slowly managed to dig for myself because I traded people off until I had No one. I gave things away until […]
I’m at work right now, I wish I were dead instead.
When I’m with my loved ones, I wish I were dead instead.
I’m alone, I wish were dead instead.
Once I’m dead I will be wishing for something else, because no matter where I am it still feeld like hell.
anyone else ever get that mental fog… where you feel so out of it almost, but not in a good way? and you kinda feel like nothing is real, that everything going on is not really happening? -and you’re not all there?… i feel that way right now, and it’s messing me up. i wonder if anyone here can tell me what i suffer from, so i can have a name for it. because it bothers me not to know…
i feel so lowly and depressed. and dammit, i told myself i wouldn’t cry today…
… reading about all those people killing (or wanting to) themself makes me everyday sadder… why? why are you doing it? is it possible that there is no way to avoid it? I’m sure there is a way. I don’t even know who those people are… I don’t even know if they really did it… I don’t even know why… but I feel the weight of others decisions on myself… why? Maybe it is because I would save everyone… maybe because I think that it is a waste, a complete waste of hopes and dreams… or maybe because since that day, when I had the […]
I am just going to kinda summaries my life I started hating myself very young I had nobody and when I did they would leave me because I was never good enough for anybody then I met a boy and thought I loved him but he ended up just using me and then now he tears me down even more than the rest of the people I now self harm constantly even though I’ve don’t it for a long time it has gotten worse and right now I feel everyone would be better without me
An angel in the darkness.
A demon of the lamplight.
From shadow to shadow I lurch and I hide.
I’ve lost my identity.
I’ve lost my bearings.
I’m afraid of this beast down deep inside.
I don’t like leaving the house anymore. It’s become a chore and I hate it.
But I did leave. And I went far. Over 100 miles.
And I saw you. But you didn’t see me. I was right in front of you. You walked right passed me.
You looked right at me. You looked right through me.
I could have reached out and touched you. I could have reached out and snapped your neck.
None of you saw me. I wasn’t […]
I shouldn’t be awake right now. I have to be up for work at 6. But I can’t sleep. I’ve been heartbroken over the same person for a year now. As soon as i start to forget him, he contacts me again. I just spoke to him and I feel like the worst kind of person because I’m seeing someone else. But he and I were together for two years. We were engaged. And then he cheated. I’m in college and lost my biggest scholarship because I don’t have enough hours. I now owe $1000 that I don’t have. I’m doing so badly in some […]
Just listening to this on repeat right now.
Its midnight. I’m sitting in the corner, wrapped in a blanket, trying not to cry my eyes out over nothing. Just because everyone else I know is happy, healthy, and in love is not a reason to cut. Just because I’m the only one who is fucked up isn’t a reason either. I love my family, I sometimes love my friends, but right now I don’t love me. And right now, I don’t think I’ll ever love myself. I’m worthless. Everyone else can figure their lives out, and I can’t. I will be forever in this frozen hell of self loathing