The chaos of hell
I am hell-bent not hell’s bent
Nobody, nobody
I’m so sorry
So hard, keeps falling
Here, nobody here
I am the only
That lost
But I know
Lone until the next saga
I versus the apocalypse
It’s just me, homie.
I posted this question long ago and eventually deleted it.
So, what is the last song you’re planning to listen to before you die? Or, if you have a playlist feel free to share.
Things have turned around lately. My life has done a complete 180. It’s great.
So why do I still want to die.
So… I woke up and intended to kill myself today. I decided to give it one last shot with my MD who abandoned me. I sent her a text asking if there was a bed available at her hospital. That I was serious and was very genuinely asking for her help. Nothing provocative. Well, I had text her a bunch over the past few weeks asking when we can meet soon. Nothing provocative. But she wasn’t responding which was unusual so it created more distressed for me. Note: For those of you who haven’t read my posts, I have been through tons of treatment (ECT, […]
How pathetic is that? I’m just in SO much pain, I can’t imagine how much longer I can survive to exist feeling this much excruciating pain. I just took a bunch of pills (to sleep) so here’s hoping they work. I cannot stand to endure this terrible level of pain much longer.
That’s what my life feels like. It’s that pathetic. The people I want to talk to are all there in front of me, but they’re not looking back to see me reaching out for them. I want to think that there are people behind me that would listen, but I can’t turn back to see for sure. Every once in a while the line moves enough that I get to talk to a perfect stranger, but they can’t help. So what else is there to do but go to the back of the line?
I tried on Tuesday. Failed. Will not fail this weekend. No energy right now. Waiting for SO to go out so i can go out alone and do what has to be done. My therapist gave me a crisis line, lol. Like I would call. I don’t think so. I’ve done so in the past, jsut feel silly. I’m done .
You think you can tell Heaven from Hell?
If I can’t live a happy life, then I don’t want to live at all. I’m miserable, I don’t know how much longer I can wait to he happy.
I think a lot about killing myself. Not like a point on a map, but rather like a glowing exit sign at a show that’s never been quite bad enough to make me wanna leave. See, when I’m up I don’t kill myself because holy shit- there is SO much left to do. And when I’m down I don’t kill myself because then the sadness would be over, and the sadness is my old paint under the new. The sadness is the house fire or the broken shoulder, I’d still be me without it, but I’d be so boring. – Neil Hilborn, “The Future”
Sometimes I wonder
Is there really a future for me
I look back on all my history
and decide its not to be
Years of pain and struggle and strife
Multiple attempts to end my life
Failure upon failure and disappointment too
Not to mention the drugs and alcohol to boot
But people still say
Every dog has his day
Yet somehow its hard to wait for what may be
When will this day come?
It’s been plenty of moons
since the times I could stay home and watch cartoons
and be content
So much has changed yet so much has not
I feel like I went full circle, […]
Unknown,unremarkable,underground
She use to shine,now abyss
Soul killing loneliness
The desolation of the condemned
Even in this desert she canot love herself
The end is coming,but first she must burn
The ecstasy of love now a stabbing memory
You got your chance,you did not hold him close
Youve ruined everything you ever loved
Your disregard,your demands
Youre a killer,a destroyer
So many conversations,you told your story
So many times that it seemed true
You keep forgetting the lie is still inside you
It squirms,it sickens,it must be let out
Kicking and screaming,no graceful exit
Explosive decompression
Theres nothing left to burn,nor bury
Youre a casualty of yourself
Pulled apart,you must wait here alone
Night is coming and I promise you sleep
Night is coming
“Away From The Sun”
by 3 Doors Down
It’s down to this
I’ve got to make this life make sense
Can anyone tell what I’ve done
I miss the life
I miss the colours of the world
Can anyone tell where I am
‘Cause now again I’ve found myself
So far down, away from the sun
That shines into the darkest place
I’m so far down, away from the sun again
Away from the sun again
I’m over this
I’m tired of living in the dark
Can anyone see me down here
The feeling’s gone
There’s nothing left to lift me up
Back into the world I […]
Got a new shrink who says I should consider in-patient treatment.
Seriously don’t want to.
Any clue from anyone who has been down that path would be helpful.
So, if you’ve ever voluntarily gone, what was your typical day like?
I can’t trust anyone, not even myself. This feeling unsettles me and my world is built on quicksand.
I couldn’t even stay home by myself earlier because I know there is danger in the silence. My brain explores every unsavory character flaw I possess. I hate being this way. I can’t help but tongue the wounds and look for new ones.
I don’t want to die. At least I don’t think I do. Maybe I’m wrong. Sometimes I know I need to though. Lately there’s a lot of knowing. Like right now. I stare at my daughter and I know she deserves better than […]
So we beat on, boats against the current, borne back ceaselessly into the past.
Tell me what keeps you awake at night?
In my over 30 years of being chronically suicidal and depressed, I’ve tried drowning myself by swimming out far into the ocean until I became exhausted (but I was “saved” by fishermen, though they had a bit of difficulty landing me in the boat, because I fought like hell). I’ve tried poisons, and massive doses of acetomenophen and morphine (put me in a coma for a while). I’ve tried cabon monoxide poisoning by charcoal (but my only neighbors came home unexpectedly, returning early from […]
Im screaming
Darkness is consuming me
No one hears my cries
“Your fat”
“Your ugly”
“No one loves you”
“Your a mistake”
I cover my ears
Shut my eyes
Trying to draw away the voice
“No that’s not true!”
I would yell at the voice
“My family, My friends, My boyfriend LOVE ME”
I scream in agony
“Its pity love,
Family are supposed to love you ,
Your friends wear a mask,
You boyfriend doesn’t want to hurt you”
I slowly opened my eyes
I saw a shadowy figure stand before me
Black as night
Embrace me
It whispered
“Shhhhh, im here for you”
I slowly open my eyes and look at it
It kisses me
I feel all my emotions go into that kiss
It looks at me with a satisfied expression
“The contract […]
Forcefully Finding Fickle Fables
Being governed by our cables
We glutch what is given
Not knowing we’re being driven
Constantly Crippled Controlled Constricted
This the life you depicted?
So easy to to influence
Your mind is promiscuous
Diligently Drudging Docile Drone
They try to overthrow your thrown!
Grab life by the throat
Cut it open, then gloat
Vivified Valorous Venom Victim
Torn the leach from your cerebellum
You should be proud
Go ahead, you’re allowed
I started cutting a couple of months ago & I really think I don’t matter on this world. But if I try to commit suicide & I fail WHAT WOULD HAPPEN? I’m scared of fail.. In the other hand I think I need help. So, I don’t know what to do.