People always look passed me. I never for positive feedback in groups at the psych hospital but the next person did and everyone before me did. Which is why I don’t normally speak out. In society as well, when I’m with friends and have a story to tell no one ever listens. I used to raise my hand in school and never got called on when I wanted to so I stopped and started failing. I got attention but not the good attention. Why? Can someone not look passed this.
Tag:
speak
What’s the point of shouting when there is no one to hear? I can scream my pain all day and night but everyone has lives. Everyone has their own pain. They can’t hear mine. It’s just a whimper. A passing phrase. A “How are you.” and “I am fine.” False. Unheard.
I had so many dreams. The only way to make them come true is to leave everything I’ve built; walk away from all that I know. Start over. Lose. I can only win if I lose. And everyone is blaming me for their suffering…and that’s not fair because I suffered so frigging long in […]
Get me past blood
Past walls
Past meds
Past the next step
Let me go blind
To the crippled
To that hospital image
To the dark colors
To how I got here
Let me go deaf
To the loud ringing
To the insecure patient
To the crying little boy
To the prosecutor
Let me not feel
The needles in my arm
Your razor blade tongue
The gnawing on my bones
I don’t believe that dead people speak
Nor that prophets walk on water
That just leaves me with
All those years of scrambled nonsense
And broken Angels
Amen
I had a strange and morbid fascination the other night concerning a documentary I watched a few years ago…called “The Bridge” and it chronicles suicides from the Golden Gate Bridge. It’s hard to watch; haunting; very sad. What really spoke to me was the story of Kevin Hines, who actually survived the jump. Once he leaped, he was suddenly struck with the realization that he wanted to LIVE and changed his mind mid-air. And that’s what really haunts me…what if once you pull the trigger, or hoist the rope or leap off…what if in that very moment you decide that you don’t want to die […]
I was never a popular kid. Sometimes I didn’t have any friends. Sometimes I had someone to go with, I wouldn’t say they were real friends.
After school, I did have friends. Popular ones, in fact. I used to go out every weekend, and just party all night, drink, laugh, go to sleep at 8 in the morning in some dirty apartment.
No big talks (at least no without alcohol being involved), no intimacy. We just had fun. It was kind of mandatory having fun.
So, people has calmed down, settled. I keep some of those friends and now we really speak. And some new […]
you wrote a beautiful story,
Constructed it so perfectly.
You were so well put together,
As if everything came so easily.
Characters so picturesque,
You made a perfect story.
But it was truth and lie,
You wrote a perfect allegory.
You tried running from yourself,
Putting on a different mask to hide.
You put on the mask of a smile,
Behind which you cried.
but with so many choices,
How could I ever find the real you?
You lived the lives you created,
And never left behind a clue.
All alone, you suffered your demons,
All alone, you sat in sorrow.
Never once did you ask for help,
You put up a false bravado.
No one came to your rescue,
Because you never appeared weak.
I would […]
I just want to dance with you
Feel the ground disappear from beneath my feet
Look into your eyes and learn to see
A different side of who I am and who I want to be
I just want to sing with you
Feel the words pour out of my soul
Hold your hand and learn to breathe and let it keep me from drowning
I just want to say to you
There’s nothing that I wouldn’t do
I’m just so ashamed of who I am and showing you and losing you
I just want to be near you
I cling to every word you speak
I just […]
hello 🙂
what bullying and would you consider this bullying?
alright. since the start of the year I have met these group of girls (I am a girl) who have made me felt very upset. I am quiet and shy and normally don’t speak up about these things. it first started when they just stared at me, they would laugh at me and try to humilate me. 2 weeks after I had met them they would speak really loudly bad things about me then laugh. it really hurt my reputation and now I have no friends. I was recovering from self harm and it made me want […]
SHE. That’s how I refer to her when I talk to you. Because it hurts to see you happy with someone else. I see pictures of the two of you and it Kills me. I want nothing more than to be yours again.. and then I remember how you treated me. Every time you made me feel worthless and unwanted. Every time you spat my name as though it were some foul substance that your body was rejecting. I was never a part of ‘us’ because you were with me out of pity. So Why do I still speak to you? I think part of […]
Why do we hurt ourselves?
And I don’t mean in the physically obvious way that so many of us on here have, I mean in an emotional sense.
Why do we persist with people that deep down we know are hurting us, or will eventually hurt us? Sometimes its obvious to us that these people are bad news.
I keep asking myself this question, it’s like there’s two versions of me, the rational side that only manifests for a few seconds every hour, and then the crazy version that is in the drivers seat most of the day.
The rational me will be sat there going, “Don’t speak to […]
http://youtu.be/ynEaeoJJOyM
I don’t see a point of me being here. What is the point of trying when no one loves you ( I am not saying that I need to rely on someone to be here I am saying that it would be nice to be heard) I honeslty don’t care anymore. It really is all a matter of time before I am gone. No one sees me hurting. I am usually very vocal and speak my mind, I guess it’s not enough. Everyone is blind and doesn’t need to care. They only care about themselves. I don’t want to be the center of attention I […]
Who would go to my funeral if I did it, if I really went through with it? Would they cry, spend a day mourning me like they did him? Or would I be another statistic in this world, another person put through the machine and spat back out? Would they think I was weak, would they respect me, would they talk about me, would they feel guilt for all the thing’s they should’ve and shouldn’t have said? Would my cousin cry? Would she? Would he? Where would I end up, who would lay me down to rest, and who would speak the final words, what […]
Last summer, I was at a camp and one day I was really upset. My friends kept knocking on my door but I didn’t answer because I didn’t want to speak with them. After about 10 minutes, the counselor came knocking and I opened the door. To sum things up about the 6 hours after that, they thought I was attempting to kill myself. It was 6 hours of interviews, crying and honestly, a lot of people thought I had died. I told them people had misinterpreted the things I wrote in my notebook, the things I said and this one event. They believed me. […]
Okay, so I haven’t put anything positive recently, but here’s something for you that might make you smile, even a little bit.
On here I’ve found a multitude of people who want to die, and a few have probably succeeded, but no one truly dies.
You see when you meet someone and you speak to them and get to know them, you impart a portion of yourself on them.
When your loved ones speak to someone you knew, they’ll hear your voice layered within theirs.
Don’t you hate it when you’re so certain you want to go, and you meet someone new and they fuck it up?
Someone new and interesting who actually wants to get to know you.
I want to leave but I want to speak to you more.
So confused.
I have been in a lot of abusive relationships, and until now, I’ve always been able to fight my way to freedom.
But now…
I’ve developed Conversion Aphonia… meaning, because of the trauma I’ve suffered, the emotional, physical and sexual abuse, my voice… will no longer be there…
I can’t speak. I can’t laugh. I can’t even try. No matter how much I try, my body will not let me make a sound.
What am I supposed to do now?
i never knew my father, (my mother told him i wasnt his….i learned this thru my uncle at 13) my mother had a Phd in apathy, with a minor in witholding…..it wasnt really her fault though, she was 16, i was a mistake, and treated thusly…. she only carried to term in part to spite her mother, which she freely admitted, and since the moment of my conception, untill i left 4 days after turning 15, i was the blight of her existence, a heavy burden she had to bear, a punishment, if you will, for her spitefulnes….i’m making this sound so heartbreaking, and dramatic…it […]
If You had a friend who spoke to you in the same way you sometimes speak to yourself, ¿How long would you allow that person to be your friend?
Liz, are you there
When did I ever ask you back, of anything
Oh, my companion
But you, and your spirits, we can
In the night, I light one-up and start to cry
Oblivion, my beautiful mother screams in hers
And we don’t speak of the seismic that we both feel
Underground, do you know, of a continuum of a
I haven’t slept, now that I realize, since the beginning
Therefore, I do not have dreams, anymore
You know of my ail, and thus, I arrive
Please, I need your help
I don’t understand where the surety of my identity went to.
To lose my husband of 37 years to a car crash that changed the lives of so many is not as consuming and confusing as the loss of my adored, trusted, loving little brother to abandonment. I have loved and been devoted to my brother for all of his 56 years. I trusted his love and devotion to me without question. He is the person I would trust with the lives of myself, my children and grand children. He is the executor of my will and was so for my late husband (in case I died at the […]