because i cant speak of it, i’ll put it down here

i never knew my father, (my mother told him i wasnt his….i learned this thru my uncle at 13) my mother had a Phd in apathy, with a minor in witholding…..it wasnt really her fault though, she was 16, i was a mistake, and treated thusly…. she only carried to term in part to spite her mother, which she freely admitted, and since the moment of my conception, untill i left 4 days after turning 15, i was the blight of her existence, a heavy burden she had to bear, a punishment, if you will, for her spitefulnes….i’m making this sound so heartbreaking, and dramatic…it wasnt all bad, the teenage years, that age of self realization, and the realization your parent arent gods, but instead clumsy and fallible, just like anyone else…that whole era was shitty, but for the most part i would describe my relationship with her during my childhood as “cordial”..now we havent spoken in almost….10 years? maybe more like 8?? i had a step father for a few years ….they’d been divorced since i was like 8 or 9…i was in 3rd grade when we moved from colorado to huntsville al…..it was a long and lonely road but i eventually found the courage to walk up to what he’d done…. I think having my first born son, and finally knowing what maternal love was, and having a man, a real one, that belonged to me and i to him, who i could find solace with, who accepted me, and even with my emeasurable number of flaws, found me perfect (fuckin corny, i know, but i’m thankful i can still be corny..)…i hung my head and finally let loose what had been taken from me….and she didnt/couldnt beleive me….she said his “member” was on the larger side, and therfore wouldve left more evidence…..she said this, these words, and this cacophy of prepositions and clauses and vowels, they festered and blistered and chaffed….and created this cumbersome, slippery wound, that eventually buroughed all the way down to the bone…..and we became estranged, now she’s a stranger….i still let her see my children, i dont feel the need to cause qualms that carry thru the generations; she’s flawed, and even though she’s incapable of loving me, that could be my fault, and does not nessacarilly mean she’s incapable of love….anyways, it’s not so bad because i’ve had my grandparents……what happened next, i guess is still to painful to even write down…..it just happened yesterday…..so to whomever is bored enough to have read this, sorry for the build up, i;ll try again later