When I was a young girl, my parents were divorced and I lived with my mother. I thought that’s how families were suppose to be though. You have two separated parents and just visit the one occasionally. Then one day my mom started seeing this guy. I had an idea of what was going on because my dad was also seeing another woman. But the strange thing to me was when my mom and this guy who was actually a complete stranger to me got engaged and he moved in. It was weird at first but I liked the idea of having two “parents” together. […]
How am I supposed to live like this? I’m not allowed to mess up,nt allowed to be different. At least that’s how it feels. No one will understand me. No one can ever know about what I do. The kind of things I contemplate. IM IN MIDDLE SCHOOL!!! I’m not supposed to think like this, I’m supposed to walk around and gossip, and talk about boa like the rest of the boys. I’m not supposed to keep a razor hiden in my room, in not supposed to look forward to being alone, I’m nt supposed to go home as fast as I can do I […]
And I don’t know how to stop.
My darkness rises with the moon.
Every night I live the same war.
To cut or not to cut. (Sorry, I’m a Shakespearean geek)
But I know that it’s never really a question.
I can picture the blood, feel the burn, and I know it’s coming and that I can’t stop it.
It should probably scare me, or at least make me feel a little nauseous.
But as usual, I feel nothing.
I know the blood will set me free.
At least until the moon visits again.
When I pick up the phone
When I want to tell you
When I can’t stop cutting
When I’m holding the blade
If you can’t hear
the scars on my wrist
Then how could you hear
the telephone ring?
I just don’t feel happy anymore the last time I remember being happy was Friday morning for about 30 seconds. My roommate is being verbally abusive and I go to bed every night and wake up every morning depressed. I want to change rooms but the other people don’t have a roommate cuz they left so something has to be wrong with them. My roommate tells me I have no butt or boobs, I’m scared to get dressed cuz shes gonna find something wrong with my body. You might say that i don’t need to care what she thinks but I’ve struggled with body image […]
When is it ever going to stop?
The images of my body hanging in my room or my wrists cut and blood all over the floor or the glass shards from the window I broke. I want it to stop. I want to stop and I don’t want it to stop.
I want the end the thing that I started. I want to get over this life. I don’t want to exist. I have no purpose and I’m selfish. I don’t care who feels bad. I know they’ll get over it. I don’t want to be born again in a world full of hatred and horror. I […]
If you have a broken smile and scars on your skin, stop and read this.
You’re beautiful/ handsome and you can do this. You can make it through today and every day afterwards because guess what?
You’re worth it. You’re worth every moment of life and every breath you take is just showing everyone who has ever put you down that you win, not them. Don’t ever give up.
…it was my life. So yesterday I had to spend the day going through mum and dads things, mum died recently and dad’s off to a nursing home, and came across all this childhood stuff. Do you think I could find something that didn’t remind me of some kind of hell growing up? Nup. Then I found stuff mum had kept with my cancer diagnosis and treatment, all this paperwork (I was 17), disability and deformity and yeah it was like reliving a nightmare. Yep I remember the hardship, the death defying years, decades, the taunts, abuse, stares and ridicule…hang on they’re still happening in […]
I’m getting sick now. I’ve been running on so little sleep and didn’t eat much for 2 weeks (Thank you to everyone who donated so far, I bought groceries, a jacket and put some gas in my car <3 ), and I’ve been working my butt off everyday. The days I have off from walmart are spent scouring the internet for jobs and housing leads. I guess it’s catching up with me. I’m not super sick yet, but I’ve been feverish all day, have […]
how can you say those three small words to me again for the first time in four and a half years? I’m vulnerable. so fucking vulnerable. I’ve known you going on ten years, you were my first love, and we never fully got over it and always find our way back to each other in the most random of ways. I love Ryan so much. but now here you are again. ever since we were fifteen it’s been there. you have me so damn confused. make it stop, make it stop.
I’m failing school.
The past few days have been really, really bad. Whenever I study I feel this sense of hopelessness and I am unable to bring myself to believe that I CAN, that if I work hard enough, I CAN get an A…
I tried to stop binging and purging. Well I stopped purging but I couldn’t stop binging. That sucked because I got fatter. I guess you have to get worse before you get better? Maybe I don’t have enough patience in myself. But it really got me down. Because I feel like there’s nothing I’m good at anymore. Not music, I don’t believe I […]
Tonight I will be successful and I wont stop until I black out. 9 liters of water this time and an empty house!!! I will die tonight!!!?
I just want to stop feeling. I don’t want to die. I only think about dying as a way to stop feeling. Every feeling is heightened. I was recently diagnosed as bipolar 2. I am overwhelmed. I am rage. I am sadness. I am despair. I am not feeling these feelings, I become them. I am lost.
I thought about it again. Taking all my pills at once. About cutting, Mum is slamming me again and my sister cant stop finding out my flaws. The kids at school just can’t stop after they saw me flirting with Mary. I want it all to end. I don’t want to let Her down but I feel hopeless. I feel like there’s something wrong with me. I feel like something isn’t right with me. Maybe I’m just paranoid though. My grades are slipping and I’m trying to keep them up. I have to get all A’s. Otherwise homelife is more like life in Hell. I […]
What else can I say? I was clinging to the hope of things getting better last week. Then I got it. Right between the eyes. I’ve had a good run at my job that lasted over ten years – great relationships with the past three CEO’s and then the one bad ape the has wanted the job forever but just couldn’t slither her way in finally got her foot in the door right when her best friend was still board chair. Three people staged a coup and forced the current boss out and slipped the ***** in. I’ve know for several years by the questions […]
Death surrounds me
with peaceful quiet.
Death opens it’s arms to me
in it’s dark embrace
I can feel my soul becoming undone.
Death walks beside me
Tempting me to come to him
with promise of forever
He tells me
I can qwiet your thoughts
for all eternity,
I can take the suffering away
And give you release.
I can stop the endless path of despair
which you walk upon
To feel nothing
To be quiet
To be Peacful
Theses are what i have wanted […]
I just realized that I hate myself that I can not forgive myself. That’s not the worst part the worst is that I don’t let myself live life I cage myself up because I am a coward. I am afraid of getting hurt so afraid that I probably ruined a possible new relationship whether it was as friends or as lovers. I push people away I push myself away because I don’t trust anyone around me I don’t even trust myself. Because people have always hurt me and I have always let myself get hurt. It’s so unfair how I can easily love and forgive […]
And it seems to be the perfect time to kill myself.
Isn’t it better to end on a high note?
I didn’t believe in love, but someone has changed my mind.
I didn’t think I’d ever stop hating myself, starving myself, stop the mutilations, but I’m healthier and happier with my body and mind than I’ve ever been. I am beautiful and my body is a stubborn miracle.
I don’t want to watch it lose that, to experience my mind deteriorating, to slowly amass more people who hate me and more negative memories through my life.
It’s so much nicer to end it when I’m happiest.
There will be music in […]
I was very sick, that’s what started this and that’s what’s going to finish it. I was blind. All I have to do is stop taking my meds. I don’t know if it’ll be painless, I’m in pain now but I know it’ll be effective. It’ll be slow, but that’ll be my punishment. For there are a few things I wish to do before then.