What else can I say? I was clinging to the hope of things getting better last week. Then I got it. Right between the eyes. I’ve had a good run at my job that lasted over ten years – great relationships with the past three CEO’s and then the one bad ape the has wanted the job forever but just couldn’t slither her way in finally got her foot in the door right when her best friend was still board chair. Three people staged a coup and forced the current boss out and slipped the ***** in. I’ve know for several years by the questions she’s asked at board meetings that she had something personal against me. Now that she’s in, I’ve been “outsourced”. After next Tuesday, no income, no health coverage, no “nuttin”. And on my way to the office this morning I was ruminating a little too deep and blew a red light.
The guy that t-boned me ended up with a scratched bumper. I ended up with a totaled car and nothing but liability insurance. I bought the car in January from a friend of my son and I still owe the guy a thousand bucks. I won’t expound upon all the other shit I deal with – you can (if you want to) see all the sordid details in my other posts. but the point is I am back in the planning stages of fixing my fucked up life the only way I know how – to end it.
Why the fuck can’t fate or destiny just leave me the fuck alone? I really do the best I can. I kept this job because it gave me an opportunity to give something back to the disabled community. I don’t hurt anyone or steal shit – for fuck’s sake I’ll stop, get out of my car and help someone across the street if they are having difficulty just because they deserve help for being a person in need. But here we go again –
1. Tilt head back
2. open mouth
3. open the shit hopper
This time my complaining and whining are going to stop. And I am going to make the plan and execute the plan. Once I figure out how to minimize the pain and hurt I will cause others, and figure out how to make it happen as painlessly and with the least mess as possible I’ll be off and running. I’ll be brutally honest – I don’t know how I will feel tomorrow. But right now the poison would taste like Manna from Heaven.
If only things would change for me. But I am done hoping they will. And the things that I can change myself just aren’t enough. They never have been.
They never will.
2 comments
Wow. That’s quite a lot to deal with. I hope tomorrow, somehow things look better. Hugs.
I am so sorry you’ve had to go through all of this, nozmoking. Having been the victim of corporate thugs I know where you’re coming from.