Its been a really long time since I posted here. I thought, maybe I was getting better or stronger, but I was kidding myself, pretending to be happy in case the semblance eventually turned into something real. I try to be rational and tell myself I am not worthless, I am not ugly, I am not stupid, and I actually believe myself for a fraction of time. Then I go outside and try to interact with people and am reminded of how I have nothing to offer anyone. What am I missing that makes someone appealing to another human being? How did I get to […]
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It seems to be a lot easier to share things here than it is in real life, so- to mark the fact I have put on half a stone (which makes me feel quite disgusting) I really wanted to share my depression and eating disorder story. There’s definitely a lot more to it than an emotionally abusive relationship, but that’s the shortest, and easiest, explanation. I must have been about 14 when I first started going out with this guy. I was at that awkward age where I was terribly unsure about myself and hopelessly desperate for acceptance. That acceptance came in the form of […]
Suicide- I’ve thought of it before. They say it’s never the answer. The answer to what? To the struggle? To the pain? They’ll tell you that it gets better with time. But what if, in an attempt to make life better, or be patient, we went up messing up even more? It is really easy to give advice. But the truth is, that no one knows what we are feeling except us. We are afraid, of what life holds for us. It may be better, but it may also get worse. This ‘may’ starts us off. We can’t take the risk. Really, suicide is the […]
i spend most of my time, thinking to myself. trying to tell my self that yes, these people exist, they have feelings, their heart beat and they feel sad sometimes too.. but then again, how can I be so sure? and i can’t tell anyone how i really think, they’d think i’m crazy. who knows. Maybe i am crazy.
I spend most of my time wanting to die. the anxiety in me, the feeling of wanting to do everything at once, but having no purpose in doing it, not wanting to, why does it all matter? all what we do is grow up to get […]
I don’t exactly know why I’m posting this. I don’t believe that I will kill myself, at least not yet. Although the thoughts are there. Constantly. I have thought about how I want to go, why I want to go, and the impact it would have on those who love me. It will be painful for them, I understand that. They will however live their lives. Without me. I’ve become a burden, a failure of a man. A failed marriage, failed fatherhood, failed life. I have no dignity left. No hope for the future left. No hope for happiness. My story is rather simple, and […]
I’ve been a shy person most of my life. It was when I entered college that I felt outgoing for the first time in my life. I’ve always thought my shyness came from an underlying fear of losing someone that I know (i.e. a friend, family member, etc.) My first experience with loss was when I was 5 years old. My brother was only 18 years old and died from a drowning accident. More recently, this past December 12th, I lost my mother. What bothers me the most about my mother’s passing is that her cause of death is unknown. The autopsy reports should be […]
I’ve had depression for a number of years. My parents work all the time and I wouldn’t consider my family to be close anyway so i’ve always been independent. When I was 11, my dad left my mum because she was an alcoholic but came back after 3 months. My mum lied to me for years about how he had left for another women but no..it was because of her and I was only told this 4 months ago. I’m not really close to anyone. I literally don’t care about anything anymore. It makes me laugh how even my dad thinks I’m not depressed, he […]
It all started 4 months ago,when I had a surgery..I never felt like that before..I was in the hospital for 2 weeks..Every day I thought that someone will visit me,at least show me that they care a little..But,no one came,not even the person I called my best friend..When I told him I was in hospital,he said he didn’t notice I was gone..That hurted me a lot..That was the first time I felt lonely and the first night I cried..After a while,suicidal thought’s started to come..I started praying every night to god that something change..but nothing did..Then,one night I met someone over the internet,I never thought […]
I don’t know what to say. it’s been a few months since I was last on here. I felt pretty bad. Months later, I feel better and worse at the same time. It’s hard to concentrate. This calm, dull inertia seems to have crept over me. the days pass in a blur of unfeeling, which is almost worse than the pain. Focusing on my work has helped some. I hide and ignore the world. My family continues to fall apart, and I’m glad I’m not there, but I feel terrible for feeling that way. honestly, I want this all to be over somehow. But that […]
Everything was dull. Clouds hung over my head no matter how brightly the sun shone. I had to resist the nearly uncontrollable urge to fall flat on the ground, curl up into the grey hoodie I had been wearing for days, and cry. It pained me to smile. I was going through one of the worst bouts of major depression I have ever endured.
I fell into a rabbit hole, and theories, disorders, and research, along with a whole lot of blurry and blank areas was my wonderland. I ached to know more. I needed to know as much as I possibly could know about […]
7 years ago
I would of never thought that everyday I would wake up wishing I hadn’t
7 years ago
I would of never pictured myself skipping school because I was too sad
7 years ago
I would of never imagined myself hating my every existence, questioning why I was born
7 years ago
I would of never thought that I would be crying myself to sleep every night
7 years ago
I would of never seeked out a blade to spill my blood because I thought it was what deserved
7 years ago
I would of never seen myself attempting to take my life
But yet here I am
Cuts
Scars
Bruises
Bad grades
Pills
Abuse
Low self esteem
Who is this person I see in […]
Two years ago my boyfriend of a year and a half started ignoring me. He ignored my texts, calls, avoided me in person and when I asked why he finally told me I’m “a fat ugly waste of space that doesn’t deserve to live” and I became depressed. I cut every day for nine months. I counted over 1000 cuts in less than a week. I drank bleach countless times in the hope of dying but it didn’t do anything. I stopped eating. I would just have dinner with my family so they wouldn’t suspect anything and it would have been a tiny […]
I thought fuck this. I considered suicide. I looked on Google as I search Google for everything. I wanted a painless way to die but I couldn’t find one.
I didn’t want to feel any sort of pain or discomfort matter of fact I didn’t want my life to end I just wanted the bad stuff to stop. I still wanted to hang in my PJ’s all day, watch movies & eat junk. I just didn’t want the crap like expectations/
get a job
keep it
b successful
have children get married
Another day, another page
Counting down
Another tear, another fear
Coming to an end
My book is worn and frayed
Focusing only on mistakes I have made
I can’t help but cry
The scars run so deep
Just like a river
Tears bring me to sleep
Behind this smile
is an empty soul
Behind these eyes
coloured charcoal
Behind every word
Behind every thought
Behind every scar
Worthy of life I’m not
To be loved is earned
To be forgiven is yearned
To be rejected is pain
To be forgotten…
Like a midsummer rain…
Fuck caring ,fuck all those tears i cried for you
Fuck all the time i tried to make shit right
Fuck the lies ,fuck the pain! Fuck being the only one who ever stuck up for your ass
Fuck all the “i love you” ,fuck the fact that i gave my heart to someone who just walked all over it!
Fuck all the cheaters ,fuck all the backstabbers!
Fuck all the people you thought were your friends ,fuck all the betrayals ,fuck all the manipulations!
Fuck all the feeling were hurt ,fuck the trust , fuck being there for you!
Fuck all the late nights […]
I’ve been so close to almost call him or text him saying that I love him, so much. That I miss him so much. I thought that being drunk would help me to do that, cause I get more sensible, thought that would help me to do it by impulse, but not even drunk I can. I’m such a coward and I’m so fucking afraid.
iv given up on me… simpal as no seciond thought so why am i still alive esey because of jacey i love her so shit i do whant to live but not for me why would any one live for me im ugly skiney fucked up worthless spited me im not worth the shit on your shoe but she shows me this 🙂 and im happy
but i havent herd from her in a bit i konwshes ok but some one till that to the guy in my head… i dont belev in god but i fucking pray for her evrey night kiss the phchure stell […]
this feeling inside the rumbaling under my skin the end less yelling the loss of my sane mind is driving me to my destruchion and end i thought i had goten rid of this it what ever thoughts are inside of me i thought that i was better but all i can feel is down and dark and lowly agggg
or maby im just plane old stupid ugly and mad :/
I lasted 98 days without a real cut, it was the hardest thing iv ever done but my dad stopped hating me, then the voices came back and i fought it and then the thoughts got strong again, and i kept fighting until the insomnia hit. I lasted 6 days with no sleep before i cut, i cut two days in a row then last night i cut to deep and had to be taken to hospital and stitched up again. The nurses all know me at this point and they al just shake their heads at me. More stitches to add the the collection […]
I’ve been dealing with depression for half my life. Originally I thought that getting out of my parents house would help. there, I lived constantly waiting for the next incident, next fight, and the only way I ever learned to walk was on eggshells. I tried diving into painting, but it didn’t always work. By the time I graduated high school, I was cutting, throwing up and eating as little as possible almost every day.
I thought that moving away and attending college would help, but instead things only got worse. All of my bad behaviors became more frequent, to the point that they actually caused […]