I’ve been a shy person most of my life. It was when I entered college that I felt outgoing for the first time in my life. I’ve always thought my shyness came from an underlying fear of losing someone that I know (i.e. a friend, family member, etc.) My first experience with loss was when I was 5 years old. My brother was only 18 years old and died from a drowning accident. More recently, this past December 12th, I lost my mother. What bothers me the most about my mother’s passing is that her cause of death is unknown. The autopsy reports should be released soon. When they found her in her bedroom they labeled it as a crime scene.
I decided to make a post today because I’ve been having desperate thoughts of suicide. I’m currently in my graduating semester from college, and I’m trying to find time for myself to cry and deal with the fact that I won’t be seeing my mother anymore. No more wonderful hugs. No more hearing her sweet voice on the phone telling me how much she loves me. No more smelling her perfume and seeing her dressed in her favorite blue shirt, dancing around the house and humming a song.
My brother was a good person as well. Misunderstood, yet had strong charisma and was dedicated to his friends and family. In addition he had a gift for music. Always wore leather jackets, and listened to Heavy Metal. Had a smile that would make anyone laugh no matter how bad of a day they were having. From age 5 up until my 3rd year in college, I was battling with God, desperately trying to understand why my brother was taken from me and my family. I’ve come to terms with my brother’s passing, and now when I think of him, I only smile when I remember the brief yet joyous time we had together. Now I have to face another long journey, accepting the fact that my mother is gone. I never thought my soul could be torn to shreds twice. Suprisingly , I’m still alive. I’ve been scouring the internet for information on the most effective methods of suicide and locations in the states and worldwide where euthanasia has been legalized. Unfortunately, places where legalized euthanasia exists requires a prerequisite of a terminal illness that is life-threatening, and sentences the person to a life expectancy of 6 months or less.
The last thing I would like to say is that in addition to the rights U.S. citizens have to life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness, I believe the right to die should be added. Sometimes the pursuit of happiness takes up one’s entire lifetime, and I hope it’s safe to say that most people really never reach a point where they can say they’re content with their life. Horrible things happen to people everyday. Maybe not to the same people, but certainly on a countywide, statewide, international and global scale. Emotional distress can escalate far enough to where it is diagnosed as an illness. Certainly, emotions can have a direct physiological effect when they become chronic and intense enough. Just like there is a legal process that families go through to put people to rest, there should also be a legal process in which people of sound mind and body, with full personal consent, are given a humane option to end their lives, regardless of whether they are suffering from physical pain or emotional torment of the soul.
I wouldn’t say depression and suicide describe a mental illness. I personally believe it is a sickness of the soul. The body gets sick when it is deprived of nutrition, sleep and exercise. The soul gets sick when it is deprived of human contact, and a sense of purpose. My mother was my life.
6 comments
I am sorry to hear of your mothers passing away. It is so hard losing a loved one, I know how that is. I think it would be helpful for you to focus on everything you have to live for. You are graduating soon and there is so much of this world to see. We all get stuck sometimes, but there is always something to live for.
You seem very intelligent. If you can hold on longer, life will have so much to offer you. You’ll find a career that you love. Someday you will meet a significant other to fight your battles with. I want you to hold on. I know you can accomplish so much and you are an amazing person. This world would have one less caring, kind person if you go. That is the last thing we need. <3
One thing that helps me when I am down, I do something nice for someone else. There is something so positive about making someone else day better. You should try it. Tell me about your joys. I would love to hear them 🙂
Hello. Personally I really feel sorry for you, losing both your brother and mother, who both sound like wonderful people must be hard. Now you say you wonder why god would take them, personally i dont believe in god, and the necessary justifications people make to believe in a god seem absurd, so I cant say more on that nor do I want to force my beliefs, but from my point of view thigs just happen. What I can say is that you are obviously having a crisis, and understandably so. Do not take your life in such circumstances, because what makes complete sense right now might not make any sense in the future. Don’t make a rash decision. You do not mention whether you have bad health or not, but if not, you can try and build a life still. You are young, and while the hurt of losing your family members will be there forever its sting will lessen ( I lost my mother at 17). I just hope you have people around you to talk to, and not on heavy topics like loss (because i found that nobody really understands your situation, and trying to force it onto them, doesn’t really benefit you and they just come off as insensitive, or unnerved) but more to take your mind off things. If you do need to talk to somebody about loss etc, then do see a professional therapist. They will help.
I just wanted to clarify my previous post, that while it sounds anti-suicide it isnt really. I just think that you should make such a decision only when you can rationally process it. Again, you seem young and healthy, you can make something of your life. IT will be harder than most people, but that is just how it is for some people.
Hello. Personally I really feel sorry for you, losing both your brother and mother, who both sound like wonderful people must be hard. Now you say you wonder why god would take them, personally i dont believe in god, and the necessary justifications people make to believe in a god seem absurd, so I cant say more on that nor do I want to force my beliefs, but from my point of view thigs just happen. What I can say is that you are obviously having a crisis, and understandably so. Do not take your life in such circumstances, because what makes complete sense right now might not make any sense in the future. Don’t make a rash decision. You do not mention whether you have bad health or not, but if not, you can try and build a life still. You are young, and while the hurt of losing your family members will be there forever its sting will lessen ( I lost my mother at 17). I just hope you have people around you to talk to, and not on heavy topics like loss (because i found that nobody really understands your situation, and trying to force it onto them, doesn’t really benefit you and they just come off as insensitive, or unnerved) but more to take your mind off things. If you do need to talk to somebody about loss etc, then do see a professional therapist. They will help.
my previous post, that while it sounds anti-suicide it isnt really. I just think that you should make such a decision only when you can rationally process it. Again, you seem young and healthy, you can make something of your life. IT will be harder than most people, but that is just how it is for some people.
To your post’s title: AMEN.