I am sick inside. Alone, overwhelmed, confused, and filled with hatred for myself and regret for my life. I should never have been born. I told my dad that once, and he said it was an insult to him and to my mother. The funny thing was, he said it as if he thought it wasn’t meant to be. Well, it was. They were too young for kids when they had me. They were irresponsible, and their own parents were irresponsible. And you can probably trace it all the way back to the Stone Age. Too many people who had no business raising kids. And […]
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Train Station
I figured: If I dont choose one now, I will never. It felt like a huge relieve, finally deciding when everything will end.
To be honest, I will grab every opportunity with 6 arms if one arises. I dont really want to die. I wish I could just be someone else, and have a different life. It is not fair I have gotten so much on my plate. And its pathetic to wallow in self-pity like that, but I cant give any fucks about that. Fact is, I am pathetic. I dont deserve to live.
Theres about a 50% chance I wont go through with it I […]
fuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuck i want to die. ive been sitting at the train station all night. all i wanted to do was lay on the tracks. my one true love texted me out of the blue. what the hell why, why tonight? i was going to do it tonight and she stopped me. fuck.
I was scared because I haven’t really felt anything at all in ages. No sadness, no happiness, no pain, no tears, no fear, no excitement, no laughter, no love, no hate. Just apathy and indifference. And not feeling anything scares the shit out of me, because I think that feeling all these emotions, good and bad, make everything real. And nothing felt real. And for a while it was good, because often feeling nothing is better than the level of pain I feel at times. But then feeling numb gets cold and sad and even more depressing than the sadness itself.
But this morning I […]
So today was a disaster. Â And it’s only starting. I was supposed to see my doctor today. Â And as much as I have been dreading it, today, when I didn’t have it, I realized just how much I had been relying on it. Â Just trying to hold on until there was help. Â But there isn’t any. Â I cried and cried. Â I missed the train. Â I had cut myself in the train station bathroom. Â Then while I was waiting for the train I felt the blood moving down my leg and realized I had to do something to stop it or else I was going to […]