I am sick inside. Alone, overwhelmed, confused, and filled with hatred for myself and regret for my life. I should never have been born. I told my dad that once, and he said it was an insult to him and to my mother. The funny thing was, he said it as if he thought it wasn’t meant to be. Well, it was. They were too young for kids when they had me. They were irresponsible, and their own parents were irresponsible. And you can probably trace it all the way back to the Stone Age. Too many people who had no business raising kids. And the only good thing I can say is that it will end with me. I’m still a virgin, and even if I last long enough to change that, I’m gay so it won’t matter. I’ll never fuck up a kid the way I was fucked up. If I can throttle down my cowardice, I won’t even last long enough to fuck up a partner. Nobody deserves to be shackled to me, not for any length of time.
I’m cutting myself again. There’s something so soothing about blood running down my arm.
I hate myself. I hate every bad choice I ever made. My reflection makes me sick. I am a mistake. My life is a mistake. And if I had any kind of sense or courage, I’d have ended it long ago. The only things holding me back right now are fear and guilt. I have a knife, I have a bottle of pills, and I live within walking distance of a train station and any number of multi-story parking garages that I could jump off. Really, I’m spoiled for choice. I don’t go anywhere without my knife anymore, so I could end this farce right now.
Fear and guilt don’t last forever.
share your suicide story
Report Post
Please log in to report posts
2 comments
Hello Ryann
I hear you. Had a few decades of self loathing myself…so I get that. But you don’t really explain why. Have you always felt like this..if not..when did it start? I really hope you don’t do anything to hurt yourself…cuz I think you are not really thinking so good. For instance…how do you know that fear and guilt don’t last forever? You can deal with those feelings and free yourself…maybe learn to enjoy some of what life has to offer…that is the truth. Death is the end of everything?…no one really knows now do they…not even you. Please face your fears and conquer them…you deserve to have a good life…there is a better albeit harder way.
Peace
Amakua
Ryyan:
I was reading through various posts and yours caught my eye, and I was looking at something very specific. It was when you said you are still a virgin. You know what I think? I think that is fantastic, because that means when you find someone to love and feel you are ready you are going to have a great time with it. I’d rather see a guy who has never had sex before than a guy who openly sells himself to whatever dick he can find. And I think that makes you a great guy already.
I completely understand your cutting, I used to as well. But when you worry about things like “it won’t matter because your gay,” I think it matters all the more. With homosexual intercourse, your basing it off of two things. Are you having sex for fun, or are you making love to the person you love above all else? So look at yourself and think for a minute. You’re gay. That’s fine, you have a great potential for love. From what I can tell your personality seems great so I doubt you’ll have a problem finding true love once someone gets to know you.
Frankly we all make bad choices, but what’s good about that is that you have a great length of time to make more good choices, and I can guarantee you’ll make more bad choices. I see you as someone with great potential who would be a good catch. And I see you as someone who is confused about what they truly want. I fully understand your depression. I have said those exact same words time and time again, and no one seems to understand how painful it can truly be. And I think you would be a terrific father if you ever considered adopting.
So, I think if anyone is going to be shackled, they’d rather be shackled with someone they love instead of shackled with no one, forever. You speak as if love is a bad thing, when I think you have the potential to put all your heart into something. You just have to find someone who understands you. I know the sickness you speak of…I know it well. I have many of the same issues as you.
So tonight when you sleep, I want you to think to yourself about loving someone. And think about life the way it is as opposed to life the way you want it to be. Once you are out on your own you will be able to make things the way you want, and be the man you want to be. I fully believe in you, and think you can still make the best of what you have, the fact that you still have your innocence makes it even better. Never let anyone take that innocence from you unless you love them with your whole heart and you know they love you. (By the way, saying I love you during sex doesn’t count.)
You will ALWAYS find a friend in me, if you ever want to chat, e-mail me at yuutokazuhiko@mail.com and I will respond as fast as I possibly can. I can talk to you about anything that’s on your mind. Or just post it here 😉 I’m sure I could find it.