32 years my body will have been alive this summer 2012. Yet I am within this body, this machine of meat and bone and I feel nothing. I’ve always been like this. Flitting between crushing boredom and suicidal depression. I have never enjoyed anything and have never felt happy. I am so tired of struggling day by day. I gave up faking the normal attitude people and society expect from us years ago. I couldn’t do it anymore. It was after this that I was finally diagnosed with Aspergers Syndrome. Looking back now it all fits into place. But this is a suicide help board […]
the Watcher
The woodsmen, on this day as any other, dragged his found logs from the forest, on a small cart, into the village. Winter was coming and like his father before him he would need to gather a lot of wood to fend off the coming cold. He patted his children on the head and headed back into the dark cool forest for another load of wood. Deeper and deeper he searched for trees that had fallen and split so that he may break them with his hands and fill his cart. Deadfall wood was getting hard to find, his need was great but his […]
Wamth of the sun beaming down to encourage growth and strength.
Cool breeze of the wind curls and carouses around the body cooling the soul.
Rain bursts from the cloud cover and washes the grit away.
Grass as green as a novice carpeting the ground and tickling the toes.
Trees tall and majestic reaching up and out to shade and protect.
Bushes sitting quietly awaiting the pruning shears of the endaring gardener.
Stones of all kinds absorb and hold the heat of the sun being children of mother earth.
Sky as blue and mesmerizing as the eyes of an Alaskan Husky staring at you in friendship.
All living things energetic and frolicking in […]
I saw the mist that day and it entranced me.
I went in not because I chose to be different, or I chose to be something else; I consciously was drawn to it, the mystique, the vapor, the aroma.
I left the group and went down the misty path. I loved it. Everything around me swelled up and was lost. Slowly I lost sight of where I came from. I wondered where I was going, who I was going to meet in this mist.
The beads of water fell onto my face. The cold bit my nose ever so gently, the air was lively and dark. The lights […]
~ Polygon Window (Aphex Twin) – Quino-Phec ~
How countlessly they congregate
O’er our tumultuous snow,
Which flows in shapes as tall as trees
When wintry winds do blow!–
As if with keeness for our fate,
Our faltering few steps on
To white rest, and a place of rest
Invisible at dawn,–
And yet with neither love nor hate,
Those stars like some snow-white
Minerva’s snow-white marble eyes
Without the gift of sight.
Robert Frost ~ Stars
Today, I am full of angry thoughts. I just checked the gun. How surreal. It’s there. Several are in this house. Now, I need a bullet. 32mm. I find lots of 22 mm, but don’t think that gun is good enough. I’m crazy writing this. I know this is my thinking, my old thinking & thoughts that need to die. I am a follower of Byron Katie. She is a teacher of “loving what is” and this reality raises itself again & again. www.thework.org
I admit, I missed my medication for 2 days. I took it today and will probably be feeling normal soon. I’m so […]
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