Even since I finished school I wasn’t sure what I wanted to study… Am I supposed to know at age 16 what I want to do for the rest of my life??? What I’m good for?? In the last ten years since I graduated from High School, I’ve pursued more careers that most people in their live do: Law School (twice), Culinary arts, Graphical Design (twice), Vet School, Commercial Aviation, etc… And being a failure on all of them, until I pursued Hotel & Restaurant Management, and everything seemed to go extremely well, good grades, with not so many Relapses on Depression, self-harm and Voluntary […]
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It’s funny how one can want to die so badly, but want to live at the same time. I’ve been having a really hard time keeping my head out of the water. More so in the past few days than I have in the last month and a half. Usually, I manage to keep myself safe and not commit any rash decisions. I know my desire to die is impulsive. I know there’s no going back. I know it’s just an invasive thought that I’ll somehow manage to relegate to the back of my head eventually.
When it gets too intense I know what I need […]
I’ve failed myself, once again.
Two weeks ago, I threw away my blades, and said “This time, I’m stopping”.
I didn’t cut for two weeks. I snapped bands against my wrists until my skin turned purple, and dug dents into my skin with my nails, but I didn’t cut.
I went to the store today and bought a new straight edge razor.
I cut myself.
I gave up.
I don’t think I can do this anymore…
I’ve thought about this off and on for several years… I think about it and plan I now more than ever. In the past, I attempted constantly, and of course failed just as constantly. (I apologize for any mistakes that may occur as I’m stubbornly using a mobile phone in bed). The one method I keep coming back to is overdosing on alcohol rectally (because my body clearly has a tendency to puke up harmful things. Stupid body). I am a tiny individual. 5″3′ and 98 pounds. I do not drink alcohol on a regular basis (or at all really) and therefore don’t have a […]
Fairytales aren’t real … the stories you read in the books when you were little , they’re all lies to. There’s no happy ending , no prince charming and there’s no one there to save you when you need to be rescued. There’s just the darkness and its there to eat you alive , to remind you that your life sucks. It pushes you until you break down , it breaks you until you are completely broken. People say that if you fall 10 times you get back up 11 times well here’s the thing … that darkness knocks you down 12 more times. Sooner or […]
I tried to do it about 3 days ago. I tried to take my own life. It was a situation where it should have happened, and I was prepared for it. I had written all my notes to everyone who would have cared and I cleaned my room so it wouldn’t be a hassle afterwards. I was ready and I did it. I drank bleach until I couldn’t take it. I knew the end was near and my peace would soon come. But my peace never came. I woke up the next morning drowsy and in pain. But 3 days have now passed and the […]
It’s funny how the people that were so called their for u but at the end your by your self ur probably so hurt that u don’t even know wat to do either to kill yourself or overcome your self and I find it really hurtful wen u know u been thur so much yet no body could see that they just think u thank happy girl or boy but once u let one person in and u tell them ur reall life and they go n tell people ur stuff and then seconds ur called a slut or fag or nothing but no body […]
Last year I was hospitalized (self-admitted) because of severe suicidal ideation. Â I spent a week in an emergency mental health ward and then was released and stayed in a recovery facility.
I’ve been to therapy and still see my therapist. Â I have a psychiatrist and still take my Wellbutrin. Â I’ve had ups and downs, but since I was discharged I haven’t had any more suicidal thoughts…until now.
I’ve worked at CBT, I journal regularly, I don’t isolate, I have a support system. Â My wife is wonderful, and we have a strong relationship. Â I’m close to my two college age daughters. Â I remember how much pain I caused […]
On Mother’s Day I wrote that I wanted to wait until my daughter turned 18. I don’t want to check out while she’s so young, but I don’t see myself holding on another 6 years.
Most days, I don’t think I’m addicted to cutting. I can get by without it, but then sometimes, I can’t breathe or think until I let the blood flow. Does anyone else feel like that? We don’t have enough alcohol in our house for me to have an addiction (my mom only drinks wine) but I never want to hang out with my friends unless we can drink or smoke.
Like I’m just trying to find activities to fill time until it’s all over.
You might at first have no purpose, drifting and coasting through life without a point, as though by accident. Then you might turn to religion but ultimately find it a hoas and unfulfilling. You might try to be an overachiever but it’s pointless when you realise we all finish last when we die. You might turn to art for expression but find your own attempts a facade. You might try very hard at something and realise it was meaningless, you might give up and feel even worse. You might turn to love someone or something unconditionally only to have it spit in your face in […]
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