On Mother’s Day I wrote that I wanted to wait until my daughter turned 18. I don’t want to check out while she’s so young, but I don’t see myself holding on another 6 years.
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how about not “checking out” at all since you will likely destroy her mentally if you do, even if she is 18.
Point taken. There probably isn’t a “better” time in a child’s life to lose a mother to suicide. I was too afraid to depart when she was too young to remember me, and I was hopeful things would get better. Except for her, they got much worse. She’s the love of my life and I don’t want to cause her any harm, but at 49 I’m pretty much done.
and when you are “done”, she will be too.
Is that what you REALLY want for the “love of your life”.
Wake up.
Anything can happen in five years and for me personally it is about as far forward as I am willing to project my predicted course in life as in where I think I’ll be etc. As a twenty year old with one surviving parent, I can say that this will greatly affect your daughter, regardless of her age. It may not happen immediately, but over time it will destroy her. Well, in my experience anyway. Look where I am.
Losing a parent is never easy, i lost one at a young age (and don’t remember much about him) and the other one is not really a part of my life even if she raised me on my earlier years (several reasons)… and i tell you, you do yearn for them from time to time, without even understanding why, and end up lacking a lot of experience you need for life… if you can hang on for her, do so.
Thank you all for your insights. I’ll certainly consider them before I take any steps.
@Wifeisgone: Are you being serious? Someone should NOT kill himself or herself to spare someone ELSE pain? By that reasoning, shouldn’t we NOT get divorced, or end friendships, or even move away, severing relationships? I thought we had to live for ourselves. I’m not trying to be cruel here. But how can we justify telling someone who’s in unremitting pain to stick around because his or her leaving would be hurtful to others? And if the others love the person, why wouldn’t they be glad for the person to escape suffering?
@Wifeisgone: “Wake up”? That is unconscionably arrogant, condescending, and acetic. You certainly don’t owe me anything, but I’m terribly disappointed. It’s one thing to have a different opinion from someone else. It’s quite another to tell another adult who’s being honest and vulnerable she is wrong in her evaluation of something definitively personal. The short-sightedness of that imperative is stunning, Wife. Absolutely stunning. And it says a great deal about how you regard other intelligent, sensitive adults.
I think that it would be compassionate to wait. Especially if you are doing a good or even adequate job as a mother. I have held out for a long time promising to wait for my cancer-stricken father to die. He lost his brother and a lover to suicide and I just didn’t want to give him one more. I am somewhat angry at myself for having waited. Now it seems since I was 14 I have met too many people and become to entangled in the world to leave without complication. Try to hold on for her. If you can’t you can’t. Leave her a note detailing that you tried. good luck
@CountingDownTheYears: My heart goes out to you. I lost my mom when I was in college. It’s true that I can never repair the damage I sustained in losing her. But I’d gladly have taken her pain if I could have. And if I could manage to reverse time and be the one who died, to have her live happily–even if she’d no longer remember me, I’d accept that cost to do so. I could never use my pain at losing her to justify expecting her to endure the torture I saw her living through. THAT was hell. I can’t ask someone I love to stay in hell for me. And I’d never want anyone I care about to ask that of me. Human beings don’t own each other. Although we assume responsibilities to one another, ultimately, as adults, we’re all free, within the confines of law, to act as we see fit, as we need to. I think “love” means respecting that.
Very profound insights. My purpose of waiting until she turns 18 is to lessen the odds of her committing suicide, if one can believe what the “studies” have shown. What is troublesome and I believe unfair is that if I had a terminal physical illness she would be part of the process. Because I have a terminal emotional illness, I have to mask my symptoms and die alone and my daughter is not allowed to be part of the process. We don’t know how much of the trauma survivors experience is due to the secrecy and surprise element of the person’s death. Perhaps if terminal emotional illnesses were treated much in the same way as cancer, survivors would have an easier time of accepting the parent’s death.
Well I am young myself, I am 20 but I don’t think parenting is forever. If you got her in the first place so then responsibility of her life doesn’t stop when she turns 18, I don’t know what statistics have you been watching but 18, all the problems begin! You have to think of profession of further education, you have new problems like driving and alcohol etc. Then I think when she is 40 and has her own family, you could start thinking about it.
My mother always had mental issues, maybe growing up, I thought how much better I’d be without her but no not really. It would have killed me and now if she died, I thinkI’d die too.
So you think terminal illness is good reason to throw the responsibilty away?
Don’t know if you have ever talked to orphans? Talk and maybe you realize how needed you are. Like when your daughter will get married, have her own children, where will you be? And if you do that, she will always think if she could see me now, would she be happy or disappointed.
I don’t know how painful itbis for you to stay here, and I wish it could be easier. But it’s not and there are never easy solutions.