Nobody gets it. I dont want help. I dont want to talk. I dont want drugs or therapy or company. I have tried all my life to want to live but I never have wanted it. I didnt ask for this life. I dont want to feel better or try again or look on the bright side or give it time. What i want is to turn it all off.
what i want
that is the day i decide it is over or i decide to move on with my life and hope its better. that is either my last day or the continuation of my life. i dont know which yet. some times im like “hell yeah, ill keep living” then most others are like “can it just all be over now?” i think i might try to keep a journal or something with a list. a list of all the reasons i should kill myself and a list of all the reasons i should stay alive. maybe thatll help me come to a decision at the end of the year. because, sometimes, i have days like today where i feel weak in the chest and want nothing more than to cry. but i cant. i cant because there are other people in this house with me. people i cant tell about my depression because if they knew, if they knew, they would try to help me. and i know i should ask for help. but i dont trust my family. they talk too much. and i just dont want them to know. ive been coming up with rough, but detailed, outlines of my death. im trying to figure out what i want to do when the time comes. but i never realized how hard it is to come up with those methods, and i tend to think about the things revolving around it. how everyone will react, what ill say in my suicide note, who would speak at my funeral, who would show up. i feel like quite a few people would show up. my dads side of the family is pretty big and i was in marching band in high school and tried to be friends with most of the people there. so i feel like my funeral wouldnt be small. which is one reason why i shouldn’t kill myself. but it makes me think: will those people be there because they cared about me and knew me? or will they be there because its expected of them to be? in high school, in the marching band, one of the members fell off a mountain and died before the school year started. i had never had a conversation with this kid or even really knew who he was, but in band, everyone is your second family there. and i was band council president. so i went to the kids funeral because i felt like it was expected of me to be there. and all i could think during the funeral was “why couldn’t it have been me? im the one who really want to be dead here, this kid could’ve had a full life. why cant we trade places?” i wasnt necessarily sad for his death, but i went because it was expected and all i thought was “why couldnt it have been me?”
December 31st 2016 is so far away, but also too close.
First I want so say sorry, for my bad englisch. I hope, that you will understand, want I want to tell you.
I’m so lonely. Every day I’m alone, at home, in my bed, and do nothing.
I have no friends.
In the morning I’m at school and nobody cares about me. They just think on them self. If the classmate’s friend is sick, she comes to me and want to talk with me but only than. If her friend isn’t sick she doesn’t care about what’s with me. Nobody cares about me. I walk alone, I work alone, I do everything alone.
When I was at primary school, there were two girls M and K. We did a lot together. After four years we visited the high school together. First it was like always. But than ( I don’t know why, I think M was afraid, that K and I would do more together und forget her) she did more with K and they forgot me. They started, to say very bad things about me. It wasn’t true, but everybody liked them, so the other students started to ignore me too.
They didn’t talk to me.
It was a very horrible time.
I was alone, always and everywhere.
So I thought, it would be the best thing, to go on an other school and to start new, with new people. The first day there was great. Everybody was interested in me and they asked me so much about my live..
I was so happy.
The next day, I was happy to see my new classmates again, but they didn’t talk to me. I didn’t understand anything, I didn’t understand the world. They didn’t say ‘hello’ or something else. A girl said that I’m stupid… (I don’t know very much about, what they said anymore)
A boy came to me and said, that M told them, that they should’t say anything to me, they should just ignore me. I don’t understand why everybody did this.
So I changed the school, but it was the same thing, like on the old school or more frustrating, because I didn’t do anything and they just hate me for nothing.
Today, they talk to me, sometimes, but only, if they want my homework or something.
It’s not just that, but i think that would be enough for me, to be so lonely.
Since I’m 10 years old my father touched me everywhere. I don’t want this, but he doesn’t care about, what I think. I don’t know, what I should do.
I feel like I’m a ghost. I don’t have some feelings. I just sit there and hope, that he will go soon.
Maybe somebody read the book ‘my heart and other black holes’ I feel the same way, with this black, ugly thing inside my body.
I’m sad everytime, but I don’t have some feelings.
When I see me in the mirror, I just see nothing.
I don’t know how to descripe it. Perhaps someone knows, what I think.
I don’t want to be alive, I don’t want to be death.
I don’t know what i want.
My friend finally decided to give herself a chance and now I’ve been thinking how about me.
And today, for some odd reason, I felt a sheer of motivation and told to myself that I don’t want to be a doctor.
I want to have my own cafe with an apartment upstairs. I’ll change my course to psychology so I can help people who comes to my place. With a right music and atmosphere, I want to feel relaxed.
…or something. It was better when I was thinking of it. XD
Edit: And join Tour de France