I am so done with this world. I don’t want to commit suicide. I just want to die. Every single day I imagine myself getting run over by a truck or suddenly acquiring a terminal disease. I think of those people with cancer or aids and think that they don’t deserve that. There are lots of people who want to die, why not give them the cancer or something. I think I’m depressed and I tried telling my mom once. She told me “You’re not depressed.” Then she gave me a chocolate milkbox. I told my sister that I may be depressed and she’s the […]
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why not
What does it take?
I did everything like i was supposed to. I got myself alone, away from others and made sure help just couldn’t arrive in time. But I couldn’t do it.
I stuffed the barrel of the shotgun into the back of my throat bit down on the barrel and pushed the trigger.I tried and nothing. A three year old could make that gun go off, why not me!? Few days later I stood on dam in a city far from my own. It was way past midnight, no one was around. I stood there. and couldn’t do it.Couldn’t take one damned step into the […]
As the description says. A friend of mine just did it this monday. And all i can think of is that im jelaus of him. He had the guts to do it. To finally get the eternal rest.
He had been hospitalized for a time now, and he was just on his way out this week. But he came to his senses and did it just before he was to get out. I really hope that i will have the curage to do it soon. If he, that was so sucsessfull in every way (great body, best job, articles writed about him..) could do it, then […]
I apologize now because this will be a long post. Doubt anyone will actually read it but I need to just find somewhere to put my feelings. I see a therapist two times a week. Every night I’m too scared to go to sleep because when I turn off the lights and try, that’s when the thoughts get the worst. “You’re a f***ing piece of shit please kill yourself.” “You’re burdening everyone, you’re gonna do them a favor by doing this to yourself.” Thoughts like that constantly. Those are more of the calm ones. Sometimes i hear almost like a voice screaming at me to […]
March 26th has come and gone…..and I’m still here, feeling old, fat, ugly and a worthless failure. My family has been so sweet and kind…..but I cannot seem to draw from that. I didn’t get to visit the Golden Gate on “my” day. I’ll have another opportunity to do so on 4/2 when I drive my nephew back down to the bay area. I’m supposed to continue on to Los Angeles but I intend to go to the bridge instead. We need to “visit” with each other.
60 years and a few days old now. I am destined to be alone. And I am so tired. […]
I always seem to end up in a melancholy state. No matter what I do I always end up there again. Things only go good for a while then bam. I got to start all over again from the beginning. It seems to happens no matter what I do.
I guess the reason I feel this way is, because I know no one really gives a fuck about anyone else. I’m guilty of this myself and the only reason I act the way I do is because everyone else is doing it, so why not me too then? Why should I be the one that gives […]
I feel like there is no point to living this life anymore, I have lost everything so why not my life too
so i didnt sleep last night
and i feel kinda energized
manic again i guess
talked to my friend online from egypt all morning
she’s fine she said just a agruement with her guy i heard
sounded more like fighting to me
but whatever.
i’m sure whenever i lay down and be still i’ll go to sleep
however i dont really feel like it.
i am curious about how long i can stay awake now
everytime i sleep i have wonderful sometimes scary dreams
i wish i could stay asleep for….ever though
but i guess being awake is a high too.
It’s hard to remember that there is never truly a ‘right way’ of dealing with suicide, whether it’s you or a family member that has attempted. People will always get hurt, there will always be those feelings of shame, pointing fingers, those that will calls us melodramatic and say things that could tighten the noose a day sooner.
So knowing that, why not just buck up and take on that added shame when you reach out? I tell myself. Why am I so afraid of uttering my deepest secrets to the person that I’m expected to do that with?
Because the moment I do, he will […]
Whenever someone is suicidal, or self harms, the question people most commonly ask is “Why?” The question they should really be asking is “Why not?”
Everyone else in the world–normal people, those who can function on a daily basis–has a reason why not (even if they don’t realize it.) They have friends, a career, art, music, something that makes their lives good enough to keep going. I don’t. I never have. The last time I attempted was almost three years ago. Since then I’ve been searching for a reason “Why not?” but I can’t find it.
I’ve been thinking about trying again. This Friday I have an […]
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