Now or Later

What a joke. I actually thought my life would get better. Ha! The first time I really considered suicide was in 8th grade but, I talked myself out of it because I thought surely this was only a rough patch and things would get better eventually. The second time I seriously considered suicide was in 10th grade but I thought that maybe once I got out of high school, things would actually begin to improve. Maybe when I reached college I would finally start having the life I was supposed to have with friends that cared, guys actually liking me, independence, goals…Well, freshman year of college was no different, but I thought maybe all it needed was getting used to. Well, I’m in my fourth year of university now, and I still feel the exact same way I did in 8th grade. I feel so stupid. Why didn’t I just end it all then and save all of the extra pain I’ve suffered over the years? Why didn’t I just follow my heart and kill myself? I realize now that it has been my destiny all along so why not just do it now and get it over with?  The worst part is that I still want to believe and hope that maybe maybe things will get better. Maybe tomorrow things will finally start to improve and 5 years from now, I’ll look back and realize that killing myself would have been a big mistake. Unfortunately, I have to let go of that hope and see my life for what it truly is: a big pile of shit. I have to accept that that will never change. I had a failed suicide attempt a few weeks ago and it just makes me wish I had tried harder and maybe I would have actually succeeded with my attempt.  I hate that I failed.  At least I wouldn’t feel this pain anymore.  Anyway, I’m rambling.  Thanks for reading.