Hello there! I’ve been having a rough time lately, and would like to get a bit of it off my chest.
I’m turning 21 next week, and I’ve been telling myself since I was much younger (7 or 8, I think?) that I wouldn’t live this long. I’ve always felt that I just wasn’t supposed to be alive. What a trip, right? Time passes so fast. In addition to being suicidal, I also have Asbergers and am extremely obsessive-compulsive, and don’t have many friends.
Over the past couple of weeks, my sleep has gone all to sh**. On the relatively rare occasions that I am able to sleep (2-3 times per week, usually 4-5 hours), I’ve been having the most terrifying nightmares. I’ve always been a very mild-mannered guy, and have never had violent tendencies towards myself (if you don’t count cutting, which I haven’t done for 15 months now) or others, but in my dreams I’ve been doing things that are really messed up. The dreams are always very vivid, and I remember everything about them, physical stimuli (ie pain) included. Here’s what’s been happening in said dreams:
The night before last I removed my teeth and the majority of the inside of my mouth with a pair of scissors. I woke up in a cold sweat, but quickly calmed down. Monday night I cut off my right leg with a bandsaw, and woke up screaming from it. Sunday night, I cut my stomach open with what I’m pretty sure was a screwdriver, Â and I don’t really want to extrapolate on what happened next. Point being, this has been going on aince mid-December, and I’m afraid to sleep now. I didn’t sleep last night. It feels like I’ve been awake for weeks. I don’t know how much longer I can keep dealing with this. I’m beginning to feel like the only way to make it stop is to finally die. Does anyone have any suggestions for how I can get some sleep? Please.
5 comments
First, welcome to SP. Your second paragraph and I click pretty well. I never thought I’d make it to the age I am now… and, along the way, I said that I wouldn’t go much farther. Time does indeed move very fast.
There are various over-the-counter aids that can help you fall asleep. You would have to be careful of any medication that is habit-forming. In addition, you’re probably aware that your body often builds up a tolerance over time which would eventually reduce the effectiveness.
Perhaps there are pieces of the puzzle (either conscious or subconscious) that are contributing to your vivid dreams. By working on those pieces, you might be able to help the dream situation. If you’re a student, maybe your campus offers counseling. Some workplaces have an Employee Assistance line that you can call which could put you in touch with someone who could help.
Basically what I’m suggesting is to reach out if you’re comfortable doing so. Sleep is a really important part of life and can really affect you if it’s consistently interrupted.
Thanks for the advice, man. I’m trying out melatonin tonight to see of that’ll help, but honestly just knowing that there are people out there who have been through similar situations and actually care about what’s going on really helps. Talking to people has never been easy for me. So, thank you.
I hope the melatonin helps you tonight. There are definitely others out there going through similar circumstances. This site has lots of good people… and we’re all here for one reason or another. If there’s anything I can do, just let me know.
Just woke up for the first time tonight. 1:36am where I’m at. Bad dream again, more vivid self-mutilation. My tongue this time. God, this sucks. At least I was able to get a couple of hours in. Gonna keep trying.
I can relate pretty well to pretty much all of this. I have aspergers, I’m 18, very few friends, I’m OCD, suicidal, and I have trouble sleeping cause of nightmares. My nightmares aren’t as bad as those but I have them consistently enough that I find myself fighting sleep sometimes cause I don’t want it to happen again. So in other words if you figured out any of this stuff you were struggling with I’d like to know and how you did it.