As a child I started hating everyone. 2 years ago it got worse and i stopped going out, i didn’t go to School anymore, I stopped eating and never left my room. My mom started worrying but she didn’t know what to do so she just argued with me before she called a psychiatric and a lawyer which said that they will hospitalize me in some time. I had to wait about 3 Months before the could take me, they said. I was glad to be free so far although I was just sitting in my bed all day. Then I decided to end this pain. Well no, I didn’t feel any pain in this time, I was just like “nothing matters anymore” and that sucked. So I putted on a Pullover to cover my cuts and went to 4 different pharmacys to buy sleeping pills. One of the pharmacys didn’t wanted to sell me the pills so I had 60 Pills when I came home and my mother was happy because she though I would go out with friends again and started to live a normal life.
At the same time my friends starting to notice something. I had 2 best friends, a Girl and a Boy. They both knew that I bought These pills. My male best friend came to my house and tried to take them away, he sat by my bed on 6 am. and tried to take me to School, he told the teachers I’m suicidal and they called my Mom. 3 Days After that call I should be taken to Hospital. I thought “now or never†and took all the pills when I texted my other best friend that I love her and I am going to kill myself and she replied with “Good luck” – In this Moment I believed that she was my best friend and he was just an annoying Boy pretending to love me.
My mother found me in my bed and it was a very hard week for everyone. I was 3 days without any sleep and the doctors said they does not know if I will survive. My Mom sat by my bed in Hospital all the time and I saw my male best friend although he wasn’t there. I can’t remember much of this week but I remember how my best friend and his mother cried about me. It felt so awfully but after I felt better physical I did a Therapy for 3 Months.
Now I self harm less and although I have suicidal thoughts I won’t kill myself. It is because of my REAL best friend. He cried because of me, and now I am crying about him because he got sick. He will die soon, it is something like cancer and he can’t ever get healthy. But he was there for me, so I must stay for him.
Find something that matters to you. Look for a reason to stay !
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Can I give up on human beings because they smell like smelly things and tend to be messier than a kennel full of puppies that have bowel problems?
The world is beautiful. People are usually annoying. The world is full of amazing things. People like to erase anything that doesn’t fit into their image of what the world should be.
Maybe the answer is to find something that matters – in the sense of preserving the beauty of the world and not blemishing it to the greatest extent you can. And realizing that you’re part of that very nature surrounding you, and not just some observer separated from it all.