my first time

so in a efort of seperating lies from truth in my confused head in going to experament with this self help i havent posted on here for qwite some time apart form two posts last night frustrated that all the people i once knew were dead or missing i desided to try this this is my first try at leveing this place iv tryed 26 times that is to say 26 failed tryes and times were iv been a inch away… my first time i remember not so well its kinder a blere but if you can imagine me siting on a sofa pack of 20 crying my eyes out with a box of antie deppresents that about sums it up i texeted my dad good bye then put the pills in my mouth i couldent swollow thay say never mix pills and drink  but i was trying to kill my self at the time i thought it would just speed things up i had just lost some dear frends of mine i was being sexulaly abused as a rent boy hooked on h and mandy that how thay controled me i was always back for more no one kenw about any of this when people bort up the people who had died i would swich off say i didunt know them so i didunt care this leeds on to later life when peopledie i feel nothing its cold but a blessing and a paine at the same time so i washed theas pills down with the beer and my dad comes in he never checks his phone i guess today was a change to that he made me spit out the pills but there were still more in there i passed out and up chucked the rest in my sleep i was upset when i woke up that i didunt coke in my sleep like i had seen people do on h after this i whent in to a complet nervos brake down no one knew when i whent in to life i thought i was in the army i had the humore i hung out with the lads from 42 commando i shot guns but behind what seemed to be a kid with asbergis playing a game was a nightmare evrey were was war when i came out of this i tryed to kill my self more its somethign that no one saw no one cared about and no one changed a thing thats all i can say

i love you all lets get out of this hole shall we ill meet you at the top