Alone and Suicidal.

So I am new to this obviously. Um but I just wanted to tell my story to people who want to listen and who don’t feel the pressure to listen to me.

Anyways I have been depressed and suicidal for a while now. It all started with an English paper titled “This I Believe” and I was asked to write about what I truely believe in. In my essay I stated that I believed I would become this gilded girl, beautiful on the outside, but damaged and hallow on the inside. I believed that I would serve an existance of pain. Writing my paper opened a Pandora’s box of demons that cannot be put back in the box.

Enevitably I told my best friend Chelsea and Kissondra that this is what I believed to be my personal credo, my core belief. I told them about how I felt like I was stuck, like I was suffocating, like I was worthless. I told them how I felt like a failure and more. I told them all of my demons because I wanted to reach out to them so then they could prevent me from choosing suicide.

One night all of my pain and heartache had come to a head and I told Chelsea that I wanted to end it. I wanted to die. After she coaxed me out of my suicidal state she had to stop me from turning off my humanity switch so then I wouldn’t feel the pain that I have been feeling for a while. She did that too. Chelsea saved me.

However the pressure got to her and she told me that she basically feels pressure to listen and talk to me because she feels if she doesn’t I will commit suicide. Obviously no one wants to hear that so I told Kissondra and she said that I was overeacting and that I needed to call the suicide hotline number ans eventually get help because I don’t love myself. I ended up belittling the system of getting help because I felt I didn’t need it and I didn’t want mt parents to find out. (I am sorry if I offended anyone who has been through the counciling system and has sought out help, you are brave and ten times the peraon I will ever be) Anyways Chelsea and I made up, but Kissondra and I didn’t.

I hated learning from Kissondra that I made her sit in her closet crying and reachung out to people she doesn’t normally talk to. I realized that I was a horrible person and I didn’t deserve to live anymore. I felt pathetic, rude, intolerable, worthless and alone. So I reached out to another peraon that I loved Kieran.

Kieran was and will always be my first love. He made me feel special in a way that everyone should and he made me feel loved. However Kieran had his own demons and left me, leaving me with a ton of questions no answers and a feeling of worthlessness. (Oh yeah he left before the “This I Believe” essay, but he came back) Anyways we started dating again, and I told him about the Kissondra thing and how I felt suicidal. For a couple of night he took the pain away and he reminded me of my future. But he too also felt the pressure that Chelsea did and he revealed to me that he doesnt love me and that he feels the pressure from my friends and me to keep me alive. So we broke up. Or I broke up with him even though I still love him.

Now I feel alone and miserable. Its mt senior year of high school and I feel so alone. I am surrounded by people I dont know all that well because its a big school and I don’t see my friends often. Kissondra hates me and I never see Chelsea. I went to the councilor to talk about my demons and she said that she wasn’t a lomg term councilor and she couldn’t give me the help I need. How fucked up is that? So no one wants to hear my problems and no one wants to help me anymore because its to much.

I am suicidal reaching out for help and no one wants to give it to me. I am encouraged to speak out if I am suicidal, but how can I if I can’t get the help I need? All I want is to turn off my humanity switch and feel nothing. I just want to die. I am suffocating inside and I can’t even scream out loud because no one wants to listen.

I want to believe that it will get better. I want to believe that I am not a horrible, rude, intolerable, broken, pathetic burden of a girl. But how can I see the light of hope when I am surrounded by darkness?

Anyways that is my story. There is so much more to it, but I am afraid someone will lose intrest and stop caring. If my story intrest you in the slightest or if you have advice   comment.