New here…and just needed to type/vent/be…

Ugh. What’s brought me here tonight. My blood is so heavy. I’m exhausted. Really been feeling the physical symptoms of depression for the last 2 weeks.  I’ve had two attempts about 4 years ago. I will admit they were probably more a cry for help than anything else. I wanted…needed my pain to be seen and I chose a stupid way to do that. Both times were embarrassing. Hospital time and then 72 miserable hour holds. I swore to myself I’d never do it again unless I knew I could succeed, which leaves me in this really shitty position I’ve been in for awhile now. Wanting to die and not really having the guts to go about it in a foolproof way.

I am engaged. I am an awful person. Especially during a depressive episode I say horrible things. I know she’d be better off without me. Anyone ever watch “Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind”? I think about that movie constantly. I wish I could erase myself from her memory. I was told by my therapist last week that I should not share the “you would be better off without me” thought with my fiance as I usually do (and it almost always leads to a fight). This breaks down the relationship. Instead, I should share those thoughts with her (my therapist), which is just fucking great if I had her at my disposal, but am I seriously expected to live by squashing these feelings down 6 days out of the week? Is THAT healthy? That session left me feeling more alone than ever. Who am I suppose to go to with these feelings when they fill 98% of my daily thoughts?

So, here I am. I don’t have a date. I’m sitting here in no man’s land. No date. No plan. Just so miserable, that I know if there was an “easy button” for this sort of thing, I would have been long gone. I guess this is as good a place as any to vent. So I suppose that’s what I’ll be doing. Thanks for reading.