Despite feeling helpless and suicidal through the later part of middle school and all of high school and college, I had never cut myself. I had never really felt the desire to.
But now, things are different. About 2 months ago I was very depressed and I tried cutting my upper arm and my legs. I wasn’t very good at it, so little blood came out. The marks went away about a month later.
But since then I’ve cut 3 more times. The 3rd time I cut, I cut my stomach and my lower leg. I work at home now, using my computer for 95% of my work. I used to ride my bike 15 minutes to and from work and stand ALL day at my previous job, so I was thin, but now than I sit in this stupid chair and almost never get out…and able to take a “lunch break” whenever I want, I’ve gained weight around my midsection. It drives me CRAZY.
I hate seeing it and I hate feeling it. When it touches my clothes, I literally feel sick. Like I’m going to throw up. When my arm brushes against it, I feel shame and disgust. I want it gone. But I’m working so much I have no time to exercise. I get little sleep. I am stressed out. The fat keeps building.
I want it gone. So I cut up my midsection a lot, but most of the cuts were small and shallow. Only a couple scars remained. But that time I cut my leg about 7 times and all of the scars are still there.
Last night I was really depressed again. I cut my stomach and my leg again. It was the worst this time. The cuts were deep and there was more blood than I expected. I can’t control my eating habits and I hate it. Every time I eat I feel like I am putting poison in me and my body is shouting “STOP STOP YOU DONT NEED THIS JUNK!!” and my brain is like “Yes, you do. You need nutrients.” and my body is like “NO STOP IT! WHY ARE U PUTTING THIS STUFF IN ME!” And it’s a terrible battle.
So I carved into my stomach last night “DON’T EAT!”. This way, whenever I feel like eating. I can look at that and try to control it.
But I cut deeply and I don’t think the scars will fade.
I hate this. Why do I destroy my body like this? Why do I feel so inadequet. If I don’t have confidence in my body, I lose my sexual appetite and can’t perform. I don’t want to do it. I don’t want to show anyone my stomach. It’s gross. And now it’s grosser.
How can I stop cutting myself?? How can I control the amount of food I eat (I always eat like 5 meals a day. I just always feel hungry, even 20 minutes after eating). How can I lose weight in my current life style?
Why do I feel so inadequate and so f’ed up? I feel like showing my body to other people is like troubling them by making them look at me. I don’t want to trouble anyone or make them feel bad when they see me.
I want this midsection that’s sticking out gone. I want to just take a knife and cut the whole thing off.
How can I stop this?
10 comments
If you dont mind me asking… Do you have any religious beliefs?
I don’t.
@AmIStuckNow. You aren’t stuck now. I promise you, you are not stuck. You are more powerful than your mind. You have more authority than you realize. It’s only in tapping into that authority that it becomes real. I was a cutter. For 11 years. And it was bad. Really bad. Not much on my stomach, but crazy deep on my leg. I was always in bandages and in need of stitches. I did know someone in the hospital whose best friend died of carving out her stomach, though, so, trust me, it’s dangerous business. I know how cutting is. I know what you are going through. You start one day and you can’t stop. You start because on an impulse or an invasive thought you don’t yet know how to fight, and then suddenly a spiral starts. Well, that mark didn’t last long. Well, that didn’t produce much blood. Well that wasn’t very deep. Then it gets visual. You see exactly the lines. You see what you need to carve. Then it becomes a thirst, an escape from the world for a moment. And you always feel gross. You always feel disgusting and undesirable. You don’t want people to know. Suddenly you are even more ashamed of yourself then in the beginning. I get it. Really. Everything you see becomes a weapon. I understand. But you can overcome. You can overcome the voice that says not to eat and you can overcome the voice that says to pick up the knife. You can rise above. You must take authority. Talk back to that voice. It’s yelling at you? It’s demanding you don’t put that food in your body? Talk back to it. It doesn’t matter if it sounds crazy. I can tell you more. I can tell you more in depth. I have an email. Would you like to talk?
I agree with SafeHaven… What Ive started to do is drink some coffee when I wake up kinda get me going and it somewhat curbs my appetite. I know you said you used to work out but are too busy to know I found on youtube a bunch of woman who have home workouts that are super easy. I know it sucks and it feels like it will never stop but I find that doing something even a little active taking your pain out in a positive way helps… This is my first time on this website so I probably suck at advice but you dont want permanent scars I know you are beautiful and hell all men want these days are thick girls they are beautiful if this sounds stupid Im sorry Im just trying to help
@xTripx Thanks for the agreement–also, don’t worry so much! Coffee and a quick morning exercise to start the day off is awesome advice! I think when you combine the natural things that can be done with taking authority and rising above, it works out a lot better than one or the other!!
Tattoos, big tattoos with lot’s of colors in them.
Tattoos are taboo where I live. Many business will refuse service to you if you have tattoos.
Can’t you just get them in discreet places i.e. won’t be seen with shorts an a t-shirt on? Besides you work at home who’s going to see?
Plus getting a new tatt always makes me feel sexier and I’ve hidden many of my scars with them.
@AmIStuckNow my email is mavrokefaloo@gmail.com. I promise not to judge. I will just love. I promise. I have been through this and come out the other side. I am more than willing to listen and also to offer what I know. I care. You aren’t alone. You are an overcomer. You can do this. You are more than what you going through. You are greater.
@AmIStuckNow my email is mavrokefaloo at gmail. I promise not to judge. I will just love. I promise. I have been through this and come out the other side. I am more than willing to listen and also to offer what I know. I care. You aren’t alone. You are an overcomer. You can do this. You are more than what you going through. You are greater.