but this is the last straw,
its my birthday in a couple weeks (27), i should be excited and i have alot of things i still enjoy. i can walk, talk, see, smell and hear. and that alone should be enough. I made a list of all the things i appreciate in life, but i look at my list and i dont feel grateful, maybe its the media or the 1st world society problems that i think are so terrible. but im just done with it. every day i wake up and i raise my hand to my head and “pull the trigger” just hoping that today i will have the balls to do it. finding a gun is so hard, i fascinate about going hunting with a friend and running into the bush to finish myself off. jumping off a bridge seems like it would be too much, and the exit bag im worried i wont get enough helium concentration. ive felt like this for a long time – too long. I feel like i have valid reasons here – I have never been with a girl in my entire life or used a needle, and now im worried i have hep c – from smoking weed with some sick dude with chapped lips – i have pain in my liver every day and i get drunk easier and easier.. I had my chance with 2 girls and i was too much of a ***** to make the moves to get it done – thats my biggest regret – but i knew deep down inside i could be sick and could give them what i have and ruin their life – like mine has been ruined. I can be grateful that i kissed them and layed in bed with them and felt some connection, but i really wanted to have someone to be mine. Sad part is everyone tells me im very good looking and i fucked it up, i have friends who would die to have some of the girls that were attracted to me, but i am so much of a fucking ***** when it comes to girls. Its partially cause as time goes on and I dont have the experience it looks worse and worse, what if i cream right away and they laugh at me, i could not handle the embarassment of being a virgin – its the thing i am most embarrassed of – and have always lied about it – telling others that ive had girls when i hadn’t. I am so self concious and i dont love myself so how can anyone love me. That and i went to school for 6 years and i have huge debt that i cannot afford and im up to my neck in personal dept as well. I have a good degree and no job no way to pay off debt and work in the most depressing job you could imagine. my payments are more than i can afford my credit is fucked now, and the goverment is on my ass about taxes. Owing over 50,000 in total and making minimum wage is great. Some guy is threatening my life over what i owe him – its my fault i smoked it all now i owe several thousands of dollars. I dont wanna die a virgin but i may just get an escort and end it after that. all i want is someone to love and ill never have that now. Soon i will be homeless and i have no friends or anyone to help me out. The worst part is i spent my entire life playing video games from when i woke up to when i went to sleep, ofc after school and work was done, i had fun but i missed out on so much and the fun is now over. Its weird but the only thing i reallly enjoyed was another reality – a world where we can kill eachother repeatedly over and over and over and over. I can never get that time back its gone. I came a long way from being a peice of shit little kid who broke into houses when i was 12 years old to trying to make something of myself and i have always been a nice person to others. I dont feel like i deserve this but it is all really my fault im worthless. Always was a reject, never got along, kind of like a misanthrope, i feel like i hate people but i still treat others with so much respect. I dont wanna live life with a sickness and have no dignity – always alone. The only thing that makes me happy is reading books that say its ok to end it and that its your choice. It is my choice and the choice has been made. Maybe i should try some drugs to keep me on this planet- what if its a test to make it to the end and im just gunna fuck it all up – what is this life? I was fine with all this untill i realized i was sick, but im too scared to get the actual results – cause i know as soon as i walk out of the office i will walk into traffic with a smile- everything points to it being true from reasearch. One thing i would like to do is make some music for people to enjoy – leave some small legacy on earth – but im not sure if this suffering is worth the trouble anymore. I cant belive i wrote this…… feels good but im not even sure if i can press the submit button – here it goes
6 comments
Nothing you mention is a end….I have felt trapped…I HAVE BEEN SUICIDAL.
But you are fleeing a sense of worthlessness? We all are there….you CAN change it!
And taxes? We aren’t in Europe in the 1700’s….they can’t transport you to Australia for failing to pay like the laws of that era. They might ask for a payment over the next decade or two…or ten…
But that is about it.
Look at the truth, and it isn’t really all that scary.
I’m sorry to hear how you’re feeling. I’m not a life coach or a therapist, but i will say this: we are resposible for who we are, and we are the only ones who can change ourselves, you need to find the inner strenth within you, don’t ever pull that trigger! Its not worth it, it may seem like it now but it is NOT an option. Your mother didn’t bring you into this world and give you life so you could just end it without a fight! About the girls… its hard, I find it difficult to talk to girls, I have a mild form of social anxiety and I find it hard. But hey! next time you get an opportunity with a girl, dont back away! even if its out of your comfort zone, you’ve gotta push those boundaries you’ve created on yourself, even if it doesnt work out you are still taking a step forwards, and thats called progress! What have you got to loose anyway?! it doesn’t matter if you screw it up/ get rejected, you might feel bad if you get rejected (learn not to give a fuck, theres so many other women), but what if it goes well?! huh?! you won’t know untill you’ve done it, and if it goes well you’ll feel Unvinceable. You gotta grab life by the balls man and show the world you can! have the courage to live, You’re not going to be in that situation forever. Start to believe in yourself.
I’m with you
I am sorry to hear
What makes you think you have Hep C, when you’ve done nothing to catch it? Get the test, for heavens sake. Take one worry off your mind. As for being a virgin, every virgin comes fast the first time. Non virgins can come fast too. A lot of guys can’t even get it up. If you can, you’re ahead of many.
I hope you’re voting in the election and that you’re a democrat. The republicans have blocked raising the minimum wage, blocked decreasing interest on student loans, done just about everything they can to make your life miserable. We need to vote in more Democrats.
Keep on truckin’, as they used to say in my day. BTW, I’m 70. I’ve fought suicidal depression most of my life. It’s better now. Not that life on planet Earth is the greatest, but it can get better.
Vedura
Please don’t take this the wrong way but there are more important things than sex. I agree that the rest of what you said is rather depressing (certainly more so than my own circumstances), but just think of your viginity as something you’re saving for someone special. Even if it’s not true right now, you can make that your truth. As such, I’d advise against the emotionless and meaningless sex that would come of laying with an escort. Besides, if it’s unimpressive to be a virgin at 27, it’s no more impressive to have your only sexual experience be part of a transaction.
And yes, get tested for Hep C. You probably don’t have it but knowing would be a relief either way.