i deserve to be happy

Growing up i had a really rough life. i was never happy, even as a kid. i have thought about killing myself before, many times actually, and i have tried once before but i stopped myself. I try to stay happy but it is really hard for me. i have been through a lot. my family has put me through a lot, my old friends have put me through a lot. i am trying so hard to be happy. i am 18 years old and i feel so broken and destroyed. my family has destroyed me. i break down everyday and i just find it so hard to be happy. i have major body issues. my family has always told me that i am ugly and i am as fat as a cow. they say that i am ugly because i am fat and they have said those types of things my entire life. they said no man would ever want me because i am fat. so i have always been insecure. i am trying to work on my insecurities. i am trying to work on loving myself and my body. i try to look at the mirror and smile but i fear that i am just too destroyed. my family has put me through hell for so many years and i try to stay strong but a person can be strong for so many years before they break down and i feel as though i am just losing it now. i dont want to lose my strength because it has made me a better person. my past has made me who i am today. i am a wonderful person but i am so broken and i do not know how to fix myself. no one seems to understand because no one has been through what i have been through. i try to act like everything is okay and that i am happy but i am not happy at all. i left home recently so i have no family and no money and its hard but it is better than being in that house with those people. i am trying to stay strong, i am hoping for a better future. i am working on having a better, brighter and happier future. i deserve to be happy. i deserve to finally be happy! i will work on becoming happy.