My last post for the night.

Let’s start with this.

I’ve been suicidal recently. It’s festered in my mind for a while now. Actually for a few months. I may not express when I’m feeling suicidal. When the thoughts cross my mind. I don’t typically like to express my personal suicidal tendancies unless I feel as if I’m going to actually act upon it. Or if I came up with a method to take my own life. As everyone can tell, I mostly spend my time talking with other people about their problems and what I can do to help them out. I’m sure I’ve done this with almost every one here. I know what it’s like. And you know what? When I found Suicide Project, it gave me a purpose. Another day to push forward. That is because of the people I’ve encountered here. It made me feel like I wasn’t alone anymore. To extend my hand to someone and give them another reason to push forward. I saved lives. I save lives. At least I think I have. To me that means something. Even if I continue to spiral downwards on my own journey. I continued to make a decision to actively do what I could/can. I love you all. I really do, and I can’t express that enough.

Darkwillow,

I’m not too fimiliar with your story. I haven’t been able to take time to sit with you one on in one yet. We’ve chatted here and there, but never too much about you personally. You seem to me that on your daily basis you are generally happier. But under that happiness and shyness you struggle with something. I may be wrong. Remember that I’m here for you when ever you need it. Even if my life does come to an end I will always be here for you. My words of wisdom, my heart on a page. I will live forever and so will my kindness. Don’t forget this. I wish you luck on moving to Australia. I hope you find what you’re looking for. I’m sorry for the recent events you are going through and went through.

Yelm31,

It aces in my heart knowing that you are going through so much right now. I am not you, but I know this. Having these ‘mental disorders’ are extremely difficult to deal with. I don’t know what caused you to take this path recently, I wish there was something I could do. I’m clueless right now. I image something overcame the best of you. I remeber reading about you struggling with depression, anxiety, and PTSD. I am “diagnosed” with the same ‘illnesses’. Don’t let those titles take over who you are. They consume you. But taking action in getting past these things that consume you (weather it be your ptsd, events that have happened, pressing that blade to your skin, or you’re just not feeling like going forward into another day.) seems impossible. Ungraspable. You have made it this far in life. Struggling or not you’re still alive right now. For that I believe that subconsciously or consciously you still have fight in you. I believe in you Yelm.

October_rain,

I’ve never been able to really speak with you. We’ve replied to each other’s post every now an again. You always have songs to share, and from what I remember you draw. Because I posted something for you that I though you would enjoy. I’ve always looked forward to seeing what new songs you’ve had to share. You were actually one of the first people I met on Suicide Project, and you cross my mind from time to time when I don’t see an update.

Darktide,

Even if you don’t feel loved, wanted, cared for. Remember that so many of us actually feel that way towards you. I know its it’s hard struggling with self harm. It can be addictive in some cases. No matter how many scars you have though, you’re beautiful. Those scars don’t make you who you are. They are only an illusion of what has overcome you. You’re worth the space in this world, remember that.

Notinterestedinlife,

You are different, which isn’t bad at all. It’s actually a great thing in it’s own. The life you are given may not be what you want. I believe that some people at birth are born into this world without a choice. Why live? What’s the point right? Well, the only thing I’ve managed to come up with is; live for the people in your life, to expierence things, finding that purpose in life for your individuality, giving life a new definition, making sure you’re able to live even past death. These things are what I feel appropriate to suggest to you. I wish you luck on your journey. It’s only the beginning.

Passionforalways,

I would like to thank you for reaching out for me. We’ve only just met and intertwined our paths. You have a generous heart. I would like to tell you that I will be able to talk with you one on one by the time I wake up. My count down has been put to a pause. I have much to say before I leave. I realized 24 hours wasn’t enough time for me. I do still plan on taking my own life. But I can’t do that until I’ve completed protocall. I follow a strict rule for suicide. Because I’ve made too many mistakes and failed attempts. You will become familiar soon. So this means there is still time. And there may be hope. I wanted you to be the first one I bare this need to. It would make you the happiest I believe.

Drowning,

We also were not able to speak much. You are such a sweetheart. I know that for sure. I’ve read a lot you’ve had to say. One of them being a recent failed suicide attempt. I imagine that it is still very rough for you curently. But know that you’re not trapped. It’s not your time to fall. It’s time for you to shine, start a new page. You are the ink and the world is your canvas. Make it beautiful. Make it yours. You can make it through your struggles.

Whiskered-fish,

I’ve know you since I first appeared on Suicide Project. I’ve come to really see your struggles you go through on almost a daily basis. I’ve noticed that you are trapped with yourself. Battling constantly. Suicide Project has became your safe haven. You’re always able to turn here when ever you’re not feeling so well. That my friend is strenght. Actively getting your story out there. Among this you also manage to talk about positive things. You have a lot of fight left in you, even if you don’t see it. I’m always glad to see you post another day. Keep on kicking, you can do it.

Bah,

You’re another person I had met on my first apperance here. I have no idea where you are right now and it’s scary. You told us goodbye without another word. It’s so strange to see you so idle after being so active. I loved reading all of your interactive posts, how every now and then you would throw something off of the topic of suicide. I’m sure it helped eased your mind along with many others. I loved seeing you happy. You inspired me to try my best some days to be happy. But besides this. I would like to say that the last I was able to hear from you on a recent post you had made was heart breaking. I won’t get into it because it’s not my place. But I read it all, I’m sorry I couldn’t do much of anything for you. I wish there was more I could have done. Forgive me bah. I miss you.

Totrees,

What stood out the most from you was the post about what you live for. It was simple and powerful. But I would like to say that you have nothing to be sorry for. You are always so apologetic. You’re scared almost, about what everyone thinks. Well I’ll tell you what, I think that you are fantastic. Coming up with suggestions and thoughts so easily. I have looked forward to being able to speak with you, yet I haven’t been completely there in my head lately, I wait for the day I’m able to. I feel as if you and I would have a lot to converse about. Keep on pushing Totrees, you’ve made it this far.

Sportsnut,

I am looking forward to speaking with you one on one. I have great sorrow for your recent loss. Just think of it this way. The loss of one thing in this world creates something new. I would like to think that she became a beautiful flower. But to you she became a part of your heart to forever hold. It’s going to be excruciating for you. But hold her memory to your heart and don’t ever let go. Do it for her, do it for yourself. It’s not the end.

Rocketman,

You have helped me with so much when I first joined Suicide Project. I don’t see you around too terribly much but I hear from others that you have been spending time with your girlfriend. I am so happy for you. I hope things continue to look up for you.

Hazy Day Sunflower,

You’re a very strong woman. It’s marvellous to hear days you don’t vomit. I know everything has been at a stand still for you lately, but It’ll get better in time. I promise. You were one of the few people I really got to conncet with. I imagine if I ever met you in person it would be a life changing experience. For the better that is. I hope your days only get better from here.

Cordless,

You are an outstandingly considerate. You heart is humongous. The care you’ve shown towards me is more than I could ever ask for. You’re a diamond as well hun. But you belong on a necklace. Close to the heart. I’m so sorry I’ve caused you pain. I will do my very best to do better for you. I look at you like a close friend almost, even though we just only met. Don’t worry about me, you have enough you’re worrying about. I will be here to help as much as I can.

Wintergirl,

Thank you for all of your concern and kindness.

Mindlessganer619,

And everyone I failed to name,

(I’m still typing. Will update as I type every now and then. I’m tired and need sleep. To continue in the morning. I will be here I promise. I’m still not ok though. But i’m ok enough.)